Sunday, July 21, 2013

music is the best medicine for depression. it's almost magic, really.

i'm ok. no, really. i am. i've had a long time to think about this. i was just overwhelmed for a moment, there.

it's mostly a coincidence that i'm skipping town almost exactly as my dad has given up. he fought as hard as he could. the truth is he never really had a chance. almost nobody survives brain cancer.

he stopped taking his meds last week, by conscious choice. the treatment was just overwhelming. over the last few hours, the paralysis has spread from his left side (the tumour is on the right side of his brain) to both sides of his body. he's likely to lose control of his face muscles while i'm gone this week, rendering him unable to speak, and possibly slip into a coma or die.

there's nothing of value that can be accomplished by me staying here this week and watching him die. all that can do is fuck me up. i could speak of many things right now regarding the nature of death, but the reality is that i do not believe any of them, nor do i believe they are of any consequence to a dead person. there is nothing at all of any consequence to a dead person, not even the fact that they are dead. i may wish it to come as painlessly as possible, but i know better. it's not even physical, but mental. yet, his mental state over the next few days is a temporary reality that only he has any real understanding of, and will not matter at all to any existing conscious being once he has passed.

such a state is devastating to contemplate. it's such an awful, gruesome way to die. seizures, treatment, surgery; slow paralysis, loss of speech, coma. i can only imagine the kind of fear that sets in as you slowly lose control of your ability to control your own muscles, as death slowly consumes your body. it must be like being eaten alive.

in truth, i don't want to imagine this kind of fear, especially in the mind of such a loved one. i want to move forwards.

we say goodbye to each other all of the time. it's reflexive. routine. meaningless, really.

sometimes the word actually means something. i couldn't handle saying it. i waited. that pause felt much longer than it was.

he said it first; a reflexive response. but it set me right off...

i'm ok. no, really, i am. the crying helped. but i think the music helped more.


not right this minute, please

ESA
ok I'm getting kinda stressed now.

Jessica Amber Murray
stressed about what, exactly? wait, don't answer. i'm really fucked up right now. want to think, not talk. talking's a bad idea.

ESA
what happun ?

mackaye still hasn't gotten back to me.

Jessica Amber Murray

i just had a very dramatic phone conversation with my dad. his left side has been paralyzed for a while. he just lost his right side. and he's afraid he's gone to lose his voice soon. it was the permanence of the word "bye" that set me off. the moment of silence that came before it, because i didn't want to say it. i'll be ok. this has been going on for two years. it's been a process. i'm at peace. i just need to cry a bit. and think a bit. not much use for planning for the night. sorry.

ESA
i'm so sorry Jess. :(

Let me know if you need to talk ever.

the plan

Jessica Amber Murray
ok, i'm going to modify my plan slightly.

i'll hitch from here to oshawa, through peterborough. then i'll take the go train (i'll hop it) from oshawa to toronto, then again from toronto to waterloo.

that will either get me to waterloo at 6:45 or 7:45 tomorrow night. i'll stay there for the night, check the town out.

waterloo's somewhere i've been thinking about checking out for years and years.

i can then hitch from there up to windsor.

(on tuesday morning)

meaning i'll be there tuesday afternoon.

i should have wifi access in waterloo, and maybe on the go train.

you'll go through waterloo on your way to windsor, so if shit hits the fan we can meet there.

that also means i need to be up early, so no open mic tonight for me.

ESA
lol ok cool. :D

contacting some wobblies in windsor

ESA
i haven't heard back from mackaye

maybe we should look into other arrrangements

like hostel or something

he'll probably get back to me. I'm just confused as to why its taking so long.

Anyways, gotta run!!!

Jessica Amber Murray
i think hostels are ok for walk-in, and i can claim the cash, but a hostel room is kind of bad for three people. i have $479 to play with. we're only going to be there a few days. i could conceivably get a cheap motel and then claim it. also, i'm ok, personally, with park sleeping. i've done it before.

....but calling ahead is likely unnecessary or even impossible.

ESA
It's not preferable to sleep in a park, because Windsor is all stabby

but i'l do it.

lol

Jessica Amber Murray
hrmmn. well, like i say, the motel option is available. i'd have to split and then pay back the claim, though.

ESA
k np np

well.

hmm. i'll figure something out.