i just find this so horribly frustrating. it's enough to make me want to just go out into the woods and hack them off with a fucking machete, then call an ambulance and let them deal with the blood loss, and then send the bill to the "specialist" that refused to do it.

and, as it is, i lost a week looking for hormones that should really be available over the counter to try and fight off a hormonal imbalance that should have been corrected eons ago. ugh.

so, what's happened since tuesday morning?

as mentioned, i went to an appointment on tuesday. my vitals are great, but my testosterone is...it's not as wonderfully low as it was previously, and it's been creeping up, which i need to put a stop to, immediately. the doctor suggested i move to spiro and i tentatively agreed without really looking into it. i also picked up some generic estrogen on the way home, after realizing how hard it's going to be to get the brand name product, which i later learned is on back-order for the foreseeable future.

i also picked up some red peppers when i was out, as i mentioned i would, to try to get the A up. but, it otherwise wasn't a very exciting day.

i was hoping to get a start on the court stuff overnight, but i got lost in researching the different anti-androgens, instead, and ended up sending a lengthy fax to my doctor, requesting we go back to cyproterone and boost the dose to try to stop the testosterone from creeping up further and potentially detransitioning me (which would be a deep existential crisis that probably would make me suicidal). in the afternoon, i ended up calling every store in town and finding 30 estrace pills at the furthest possible store.

how far? this far:

it actually wasn't that long a ride, and i found myself disappointed by the fact that i didn't even break a sweat. i'm not exaggerating - my brow was bone dry, after biking in the heat for an hour in either direction. a big part of the problem was that there was a cool breeze running the whole way. so, i was hoping for a nice sweaty ride in 40 degree humidity - exercising in sauna-like conditions - and instead ended up in a situation that was more like biking in an air conditioned room, which is pointless. in fact, it was sort of depressing. i didn't start to feel the heat until late in the afternoon, when it went over 30, but by then i was about to come in....

the doctor did reverse the prescription for me, but he didn't immediately boost the dosage. so, i picked up a refill for thirty days that is only going to last me 15, and i asked the pharmacy to fax the doctor, asking him if he got the dosage right.

i was at least tired when i got in, but, if anything, it seemed like i'd gained a few points from the mountain dew i was drinking as a pick-me-up. and i'm sort of distraught about it, as i may hardly get any exercise at all this summer, if they don't let me out to do stuff. i don't want to go out and ride my bike around in circles like a fucking retard to get my heart rate up; i'd feel like i'm wasting my time. and, i'm not interested in protest politics that aren't fundamentally about class, which seems to be out of fashion right now (i'll wait.). but, if i can get out to go to concerts and stuff, i can get a lot of exercise just by using my bike as a means of transportation. that's what i've been relying on for years. yesterday was my chance to sweat it out, and i feel it was wasted by the cool weather.

i mean, i could have picked up the pace, and that would have potentially got me sweating a little, but at the expense of building muscle. i'm interested in cardio; i'm not interested in weight gain. so, i don't want to do exercises designed to build muscle, which is what biking hard in a cool wind is. that's actually why i've been avoiding the bike all year - it's been too cold, and biking in the cold leads to weight gain, not weight loss.

*shrug*

i slept until early in the morning, and i've been kind of doing loose ends kinds of things since - putting away fruit, doing dishes, eating, cleaning up the blog, etc.

i got the replacement noise trade site up last night when i got out of the shower, and before i crashed. still no word back from them. and, it's still up. for now. i dunno....i really want them to write me some kind of essay, so i understand.

what's next?

well, i wanted to get a handle on the court stuff this week, but i guess that's done, now. it looks more like that's going to be a weekend thing. and, i should probably give paste another few days to respond before i give up on them and set up shop elsewhere.

as of right now, i should be in for another 15-20 days, until i need to get out to find more estrogen. so, let's hope i can get these things done with in that space, and get a good start on the last batch of liner notes to close the first reconstruction phase.

i am a voluntary celibate.

and, i don't want to end up an involuntary jerk-off.

people aren't worth the fucking effort; i couldn't be bothered. i'd rather read a book.

i have not had sex since george w. bush was president, which is when i was in my early 20s.

and, i do not want to ever have sex ever again.

i just want to turn it off completely.

the 2010s are now over.

i had sex zero times.

my 30s are almost over.

i had sex zero times.

like, get the point. i don't want to.

ugh.

my doctor doesn't want to increase my dosage of cyproterone. so, i'm going to have to find a way to get around him.

i sent him this today, and we'll see what he tells me, but i'll order it from out of the country if he doesn't prescribe it, that's fine.

===

hi.

i feel it's my responsibility as a patient to let you know that i began doubling my dosage of cyproterone yesterday, and will be continuing to take 200 mg a day until my next bloodwork. i have enough supply to last me until the end of june and will find some other way to secure a sufficient amount of t-blockers if you won't prescribe it.

i was also able to find enough brand name estrogen to take me until the end of june, and was consequently only on the generics for 24 hours. we'll have to see if i can secure a larger supply of the brand name after that.

i do not want my testosterone to continue to increase, or to continue suffering any of the side effects that seem to be associated with the creeping testosterone levels. i will let you know at our next appointment if the increased dosage of cyproterone has ameliorated any of the side effects i was associating with it, and we'll have to see if it takes it back towards 0, where it was before.

i do not want a male sex drive.
i do not want penile function, in any way at all.
i am not interested in sex, in any context.
i do not want to masturbate. at all.
i do not want muscle mass.
i do not want body hair.

i do not want testosterone. at all.

i'm bitching about it, but i still probably have less testosterone than your mom does.

just so you know.

i just want to clarify a point.

"normal" male t-levels are 10-25 nmol/L.
"normal" female t-levels are 0.5-2.5 nmol/L.

so, when i point out that my levels went from .1 to .2 to .4 to .8 this year, i'm still well in the female reference range.

but, i want it at 0.0.

i want it destroyed.

permanently.

we need much stronger legal protections for non-smokers in residential areas.

it's a deficit in the law, and it needs to be fixed.

if somebody is smoking a foot from your window and you ask them to stop and they refuse (because they're too shit-faced drink all of the time to form a cogent thought process), what do you do?

if you're going to tell me they have the right to smoke and i have the obligation to accept it, i'm going to disagree with you, and call you a moron.

i asked nicely, and they just swore at me and told me i use "big words". this woman was probably clinically retarded, from however many years of heavy alcoholism, and who knows what else. she could not be reasoned with. and i did try.

so, what do you do?

i'm an activist, and i resorted to direct action; what i did was what i could in that legal grey area between protest and technical illegality, and i was in the right to do it, and she was in the wrong to resist it.

i would have been happy to fight this in court, and i would have won.

i don't think i did anything wrong, and i'd do it again.

second-hand smoke in residential areas is a scourge on our society, and i'm happy to do what i can to fight to eradicate it; this is the right side of history, and if you disagree with me, you're just wrong, and will lose.

and, if you're curious, the "medical" marijuana user that i called the police on to get a report to take to the landlord & tenant board was very white. i'd guess she was polish, or otherwise of eastern european extraction.

she looked a lot like andrea horwath, during one of her between-elections fat phases:

the woman that called the police on me for "harassing" her when she ignored me when i asked her to smoke away from my window, however, was black. i was blaring loud music out my window whenever she sat outside (it was merzbow.) and otherwise making her smoking experience uncomfortable as a disincentive for her to smoke there, so she called me in for bothering her. i don't think i had an obligation to sit there and breathe in her filth, and am not sorry for making her life unpleasant, as she was polluting my living space and refused to adjust to requests not to.

when the cops arrived, i argued that my behaviour was justified by her insistence on smoking near my window and told them point blank that i was trying to chase her off, and i wasn't going to stop. i was willing to take the fight to court; if she didn't like what i was doing, she should smoke somewhere else. i also suggested that they file charges against her for causing a nuisance, which is defined in canadian law as follows:

Common nuisance

180 (1) Every person is guilty of an indictable offence and liable to imprisonment for a term of not more than two years or is guilty of an offence punishable on summary conviction who commits a common nuisance and by doing so

(a) endangers the lives, safety or health of the public, or

(b) causes physical injury to any person.

(2) For the purposes of this section, every one commits a common nuisance who does an unlawful act or fails to discharge a legal duty and thereby

(a) endangers the lives, safety, health, property or comfort of the public; or

(b) obstructs the public in the exercise or enjoyment of any right that is common to all the subjects of Her Majesty in Canada.

i don't know who, in 2020, can argue with a straight face that second-hand smoke is not endangering the health of the public. however, i was unable to convince any of the officers to file charges against her.

as she continued to smoke in a way that bothered me, i did threaten to take the issue directly to the justice of the peace if she didn't smoke somewhere else, but this was after she called the cops on me for trying to chase her off with the merzbow. in the end, my threats do seem to have been effective in coercing her to smoke elsewhere. for the last several weeks of my tenancy in the unit, she smoked in the front of the house, away from my window.

so, i did a lot of things to piss this woman off, and i also attempted to get bylaw involved under anti-smoking regulations, but i did not call the police to deal with the smoke complaint, as i realized they had no actionable cause without clear evidence of intentional harm. and, i had actually decided to bypass the cops (who are useless.) and go directly to the judge. but, i didn't have to, in the end - she realized what she was doing was wrong and modified her behaviour. eventually...

it should not have taken weeks of yelling and screaming to get her to react responsibly, but she did the right thing in the end.

however, if i thought they could have done something, if there was a law around second-hand smoke in residential areas that they could actually enforce, then i might have called them, sure.

my preference was direct action against the smoker, and that's what i did, and, in the end, it did work. she called them on me, not the other way around.

and, while the issue is not cited in the harassment charge against me that was eventually dropped (i was charged with repeatedly applying for housing. i kept applying because i claimed the property owner was discriminating against me. the property owner, who is rich and powerful and therefore a friend of the police, essentially argued that my claims of discrimination were harassment. because she was upper class, she got the cops to go for that very stupid argument, which was instantly laughed at by the court, and eventually retracted by the prosecutor. conversely, my much stronger legal argument for criminal nuisance around secondhand smoke was not accepted by the police, because i'm poor. do you see how class is important, here?), it is clear enough that it had a lot to do with the illegal arrest that eventually happened, as it was the same officers involved. and, i have in fact cited the officer's behaviour, in context, as reasoning for my request that he be charged with harassment, for repeatedly coming to my house and bothering me.

just in case that's unclear.

i haven't killed any cops yet. but, i've dealt with this twice, and i need to plead with people.

stop calling the fucking cops on people that you love. it's beyond fucking stupid.

when i first went back on hormones in 2009, i just bought a bunch of hormones from india. when my dad found out, he had a fit because he was concerned i might accidentally buy something like fentanyl (a concern tied into experiences with his own recreational drug use in the 70s). in a technical sense, he was sort of right - i wasn't testing the drugs. i didn't really know that the pills that said 'estrace' on them and that came in the estrace package were really estrace; they could have been heroin. but, i told him he was being paranoid.

he called the cops to try to convince me to go to a doctor. they treated it like a drug investigation, showed up at my front door, violently cuffed me and physically forced me to go to a hospital. when i got to a doctor, he was shocked. i told him that the cops had no right to do what they did, and he completely agreed with me. he did suggest i call a gp about the hormones. but, it was a thirty second doctor's appointment.

at the time, dr. barwin had a virtual monopoly on trans patients in ottawa. i did call him. i believe he's in jail now on a fraud conviction, due to mixing up sperm donations.

the second time, my mother called the cops on me for posting the following article to facebook:
https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/julian-baggini-suicide-can-be-a-rational-choice-1912358.html

the article is an argument in favour of assisted suicide which, as it happens to be, is actually legal in canada, now, after a series of court rulings

my mother - who is a heroin addict and an alcoholic and was probably shit-faced drunk at the time - called the windsor coast unit because she was concerned i was suicidal due to posting that link. which is ridiculous...

when questioned, my mother denied making the call, but i knew it was her (because she was the only person in my friends list with my address), so i deleted her from facebook for it. it otherwise seemed rather benign at first - until it showed up in the disclosure for the illegal arrest that i'm currently fighting, as justification for holding me.

unless you are rich and powerful, the police are not your friends. the police are a relatively recent human invention that was created and continues to exist for the sole and precise purpose of controlling working people. they are there to protect the rich from the poor; that is what the police were invented to do, it's what they're trained to do and it's what they actually do.

don't send them after your loved ones, under the idea that they'll help. they won't; they're not supposed to, and you're wrong to think otherwise.

so, i don't know what happened here, but i know that when my parents (on separate occasions) called the police on me, it left me feeling violated and angry. the second time, i had marijuana on the premises, before it was legal. her reaction may have been foolish, but was perhaps not irrational - i may have liked to go after the ones that showed up at my door with a knife, too, even if i knew better, and didn't.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/new-brunswick/edmundston-police-shooting-fatal-1.5597994