Wednesday, October 29, 2014
it turns out the evaluation he wanted to send me to was to a couple of social workers with no medical credentials. the secretary and i agreed that this was essentially a waste of time, until i could state a goal to overcome - which in my case is not in a form that they can treat. if i tell them i have no motivation to live, they can try to help me work through the lack of motivation, but they can't diagnose me with anything or fill out my papers. their purpose is to help me overcome the existential dread, rather than put me on a path where i can live with it, which is not going to happen in my circumstance - because it's the consequence of a logical process.
in a statement, my position is too subtle for the workers to be able to treat. if they ask me "are you feeling suicidal?", the answer is yes. if they ask me "are you an imminent threat to harm yourself?", the answer is no - it depends on circumstances. they can't parse that because it's a logical statement, and they're trained to respond to irrational behaviour.
so, i need to speak with somebody with actual medical credentials first, to try and get a real diagnosis. if that doesn't work, i become an imminent threat to myself, and the doctor will have to determine if it's the result of a pathology that justifies disability or if i just need some "help" to "work through it".
i just hope the doctor they send me to can think in these shades of grey and put themselves into the space where they can deduce the proper conclusions from first principles. hand-waving this off to a social worker is giving me a death sentence.
stated another way, my "goal" is to have the disability papers processed - but they need a "goal" in a form that would negate the need for disability, which, in my case, does not exist.
the secretary agreed that this *sounded* pathological to her, but the social work process cannot deal with me if i have that "goal" in mind, i need a doctor.
so, i'll wait a few days and see what i hear back before i call odsp and tell them i can't see a doctor until the 12th.
for now, i need to get a drum part done...
in a statement, my position is too subtle for the workers to be able to treat. if they ask me "are you feeling suicidal?", the answer is yes. if they ask me "are you an imminent threat to harm yourself?", the answer is no - it depends on circumstances. they can't parse that because it's a logical statement, and they're trained to respond to irrational behaviour.
so, i need to speak with somebody with actual medical credentials first, to try and get a real diagnosis. if that doesn't work, i become an imminent threat to myself, and the doctor will have to determine if it's the result of a pathology that justifies disability or if i just need some "help" to "work through it".
i just hope the doctor they send me to can think in these shades of grey and put themselves into the space where they can deduce the proper conclusions from first principles. hand-waving this off to a social worker is giving me a death sentence.
stated another way, my "goal" is to have the disability papers processed - but they need a "goal" in a form that would negate the need for disability, which, in my case, does not exist.
the secretary agreed that this *sounded* pathological to her, but the social work process cannot deal with me if i have that "goal" in mind, i need a doctor.
so, i'll wait a few days and see what i hear back before i call odsp and tell them i can't see a doctor until the 12th.
for now, i need to get a drum part done...
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
i'm glad i got a nice walk in today, at least. judging from last year, talk of "last nice day of the year" doesn't really apply to windsor. we'll get days in the mid teens throughout the winter, here. it'll rain significantly through each of the winter months. the severity of the weather seems to be defined by the severity of the air masses moving south, with a moderately mild climate in between. that is to say that the average winter day here really hovers around 0, and we only get worse than that when we get blasted by that north wind - but we'll also get much, much nicer than that when humid air masses come from the south. that's a big difference from ottawa, where you can expect week long blasts of -30 in between weeks of highs around -10. but it may be the last day of 20+ weather for a while, so i'm glad i got out to enjoy it. even if i had to deal with some rain...
the rest of the day was a bit more frustrating.
i started with the odsp worker. she wasn't able to suggest a doctor, and even seemed somewhat taken aback by the suggestion, as though it was a corrupt request. after some prodding, i got the suggestion of trying the canadian association for mental health, as they may have better leads.
i spent a while talking to somebody there and the conclusion was twofold.
1) camh is indeed probably my best bet - certainly a better idea than randomly keying in on specific doctors. however,
2) i need to go through a lengthy process of analysis.
i have no doubt that i'm easily diagnosed, if you give me the proper session time. it's actually probably the best approach forward from a larger perspective, as once i get that more serious diagnosis it'll stick with me permanently. i want to get the fucking paperwork done and move on, but i need to be patient about it.
so it means i'm looking at what will probably be weekly sessions for the next few months and not having this worked out until the last minute. i won't be able to see an actual physician that can fill out the papers until jan 12, which is a day before i need to get them in.
if it works out, it's kind of perfect because i wanted to wait until the last minute, anyways. but if it doesn't work out this is probably the end of me...
again: i need to not let it stress me out too much, and just keep my head in the tunes. i just need to make some phone calls tomorrow, and then i should have it off my mind for a while.
i just hope they're not thinking that putting it to the last minute is going to alter my behaviour, because it isn't.
i've expressed myself clearly. i don't think the guy i was speaking to today was really taking me seriously. i think a substantial part of the diagnosis presenting itself needs to exist in believing me when i say this is it - this gets done, or i'm dead.
the moment that logical process is understood as more than a hollow threat is the moment a pathology is established.
the annoying thing about it is it always takes the same form "you should have a good job and be making significant money. you have so much potential. you're too smart to off yourself.". what has to be understood is that the reality is "no amount of income is sufficient to compensate for time wasted in employment. when presented with that choice, i'm too smart to not kill myself.".
the other thing is like....if i think the first couple of sessions are a waste of time, i won't bother completing them, i'll just set the gears in motion....
it's this or broke, really. there's not another option.
i'm resigned to this. i need to try, but i'm not confident in the outcome.
the rest of the day was a bit more frustrating.
i started with the odsp worker. she wasn't able to suggest a doctor, and even seemed somewhat taken aback by the suggestion, as though it was a corrupt request. after some prodding, i got the suggestion of trying the canadian association for mental health, as they may have better leads.
i spent a while talking to somebody there and the conclusion was twofold.
1) camh is indeed probably my best bet - certainly a better idea than randomly keying in on specific doctors. however,
2) i need to go through a lengthy process of analysis.
i have no doubt that i'm easily diagnosed, if you give me the proper session time. it's actually probably the best approach forward from a larger perspective, as once i get that more serious diagnosis it'll stick with me permanently. i want to get the fucking paperwork done and move on, but i need to be patient about it.
so it means i'm looking at what will probably be weekly sessions for the next few months and not having this worked out until the last minute. i won't be able to see an actual physician that can fill out the papers until jan 12, which is a day before i need to get them in.
if it works out, it's kind of perfect because i wanted to wait until the last minute, anyways. but if it doesn't work out this is probably the end of me...
again: i need to not let it stress me out too much, and just keep my head in the tunes. i just need to make some phone calls tomorrow, and then i should have it off my mind for a while.
i just hope they're not thinking that putting it to the last minute is going to alter my behaviour, because it isn't.
i've expressed myself clearly. i don't think the guy i was speaking to today was really taking me seriously. i think a substantial part of the diagnosis presenting itself needs to exist in believing me when i say this is it - this gets done, or i'm dead.
the moment that logical process is understood as more than a hollow threat is the moment a pathology is established.
the annoying thing about it is it always takes the same form "you should have a good job and be making significant money. you have so much potential. you're too smart to off yourself.". what has to be understood is that the reality is "no amount of income is sufficient to compensate for time wasted in employment. when presented with that choice, i'm too smart to not kill myself.".
the other thing is like....if i think the first couple of sessions are a waste of time, i won't bother completing them, i'll just set the gears in motion....
it's this or broke, really. there's not another option.
i'm resigned to this. i need to try, but i'm not confident in the outcome.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
shit, that cage performance is an extended five minute piece. i think i'm looking at ten-fifteen minutes, tops. i'm sure it'll be interesting, but i wish it were a ten minute walk rather than a three-four hour process to get back and forth under the tunnel. i can't help but feel my time is better spent at home.
worse, it's that time of year where 5-6 degrees over night seems like trudging through a -20 blizzard. another week or two and you're used to it, but it's *right* at that icky point.
so, i guess i'm staying in.
i just assumed it was a concert-length piece.
it's more of a lecture, and a short "performance".
worse, it's that time of year where 5-6 degrees over night seems like trudging through a -20 blizzard. another week or two and you're used to it, but it's *right* at that icky point.
so, i guess i'm staying in.
i just assumed it was a concert-length piece.
it's more of a lecture, and a short "performance".
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
so, they decided to make the forms due on my birthday. aren't they sweet....
if i wait until the very last minute, i should hopefully get another month or two while it's being processed.
i then get a three month grace period from the time a decision is made to figure something out.
i can also appeal. so, i could stretch this out to close to a year.
i'm thinking i should go in to see my worker within a few days to ask if she has any recs for doctors, because it's what it comes down to. all i've had here so far is grief (excluding that one er doctor). i'm actually even considering hitching back to ottawa to go back to the same doctor that signed off on me initially.
kind of cold to hitch, though.
no, really. there's inevitably sleeping outside involved.
i'm obviously crazy. you only need to follow my facebook feed for a few days to get that. but i come off as rather deceptively sane, both on paper and in person. this is why i wanted to get some serious shrink time in. my insanity may not be obvious in a ten minute conversation, which is how these things seem to work, but you can't miss it after you've known me for a few weeks.
like, i was so sane on first impression that the shrink i went to wouldn't even talk to me. if you've been following this for any length of time, you realize how surreal that is.
i suppose i can try another shrink, but....
i think the best diagnosis is just "mad".
"she's a mad hatter" kind of thing.
i'm calmed down, now. my threats aren't idle but i'm relaxed. i wish i didn't buy those cigarettes...
she's in tuesday mornings...
guess i'll have to wait until next week. gives me time to think...
i'm just going to have to level with them.
i needed the doctor to play along, but what got me a huge slice of empathy from ontario works was a letter i wrote them where i just explained the reality of my existence in the most cold, dour way possible.
the truth is nothing has changed. i didn't choose to exist in this society, and i would have decided pretty squarely against it if i had the opportunity to make the choice. but, i'm here, and this is the only way i'm going to exist with any contentment. i can at least state that i've been considerate enough not to breed. signing me off into misery (which i will not accept. i will choose death.) isn't making anything better for anybody.
in the end, i have to convince them to choose compassion over calvinism.
90% of that is going to be determined by who i end up talking to....
if i wait until the very last minute, i should hopefully get another month or two while it's being processed.
i then get a three month grace period from the time a decision is made to figure something out.
i can also appeal. so, i could stretch this out to close to a year.
i'm thinking i should go in to see my worker within a few days to ask if she has any recs for doctors, because it's what it comes down to. all i've had here so far is grief (excluding that one er doctor). i'm actually even considering hitching back to ottawa to go back to the same doctor that signed off on me initially.
kind of cold to hitch, though.
no, really. there's inevitably sleeping outside involved.
i'm obviously crazy. you only need to follow my facebook feed for a few days to get that. but i come off as rather deceptively sane, both on paper and in person. this is why i wanted to get some serious shrink time in. my insanity may not be obvious in a ten minute conversation, which is how these things seem to work, but you can't miss it after you've known me for a few weeks.
like, i was so sane on first impression that the shrink i went to wouldn't even talk to me. if you've been following this for any length of time, you realize how surreal that is.
i suppose i can try another shrink, but....
i think the best diagnosis is just "mad".
"she's a mad hatter" kind of thing.
i'm calmed down, now. my threats aren't idle but i'm relaxed. i wish i didn't buy those cigarettes...
she's in tuesday mornings...
guess i'll have to wait until next week. gives me time to think...
i'm just going to have to level with them.
i needed the doctor to play along, but what got me a huge slice of empathy from ontario works was a letter i wrote them where i just explained the reality of my existence in the most cold, dour way possible.
the truth is nothing has changed. i didn't choose to exist in this society, and i would have decided pretty squarely against it if i had the opportunity to make the choice. but, i'm here, and this is the only way i'm going to exist with any contentment. i can at least state that i've been considerate enough not to breed. signing me off into misery (which i will not accept. i will choose death.) isn't making anything better for anybody.
in the end, i have to convince them to choose compassion over calvinism.
90% of that is going to be determined by who i end up talking to....
Monday, October 20, 2014
so, i got my letter of doom today. it's a package of forms to fill out.
considering the experiences i've had with doctors here, i'm expecting to be rejected, so i'm going to leave it to the last minute with the expectation that i'll have to launch an appeal. that means i have roughly six months left to live before i commit suicide. i'm planning something grizzly outside the odsp offices (or outside of a doctor's office) as a political statement. the purpose is to draw attention to the fact that the system has failed me, and hopefully to produce consequences for the people responsible for that.
the flip side of this is that i don't want to waste the last six months of my life fighting disability. so, i'm NOT going to try really hard to find a doctor to fill this out - i'm going to make sure i get as much music recorded as i can in the next six months, then go out in a truly spectacular mess...
if you have any really good suicide ideas, please post them here, maybe i can work them into the action.
see, then i wonder why i keep going back to smoking. what's the use of quitting, when there's no future?
i've been to doctors, they tell me i'm healthy. i guess i'll have to prove them wrong. maybe they'll be less stupid about it after they have to peel a severed arm off their front door.
"you're holding us up with a gun!"
it's reciprocating society's ultimatum of work or starve. it's incredibly aggressive, but we're born with these knives over our heads that give us no option but to sell our labour to survive. if rejecting this means producing a violent outburst, it's a reflection of my lack of options to live in real freedom. the desperate nature of slavery *justifies* this sort of response.
so, yes, i'm turning the gun back on society. and, rather than feel bad about this, i'd encourage others to do the same.
i need to finish inri035. yes, i'm smoking tonight. at least, i am NOW. then i need to eat. then i need to carefully read through the thing and see what i can do.
but i'm not wasting large amounts of time on this, only to be rejected in the end. i'm at peace with ending my existence in the short term, just so long as i can get the work done. i need to pick up the pace a bit...
i've been quiet on the activist front since i came down here. well, i got what i want. and, i'm aware that it's *why* we have assistance set up. if you set up a society that is structurally unequal (and then expect people to fight over the wealth), you're going to end up with disaffected masses that don't want to play the game and will fight back instead. the way to control those masses is to feed and shelter them. i'm willing to play along. but you pull that out from under me, and i'm back to fighting for principles.
it's martyr thinking, granted, but it's calculated for maximum effect. i've constructed my life goals with the intent of completing them within a year or two. once i get there, there's not much else to live for. so, i'm now in a race against time.
if things work out, i get a lot done. if they don't, i can at least go out knowing i got as much done as i could...
i mean, i've got over 24 hours worth of music completed, remastered and reconstructed over the last year and a bit. that's something to be proud of. at the least, i need to have *some* kind of way to present what's left.
considering the experiences i've had with doctors here, i'm expecting to be rejected, so i'm going to leave it to the last minute with the expectation that i'll have to launch an appeal. that means i have roughly six months left to live before i commit suicide. i'm planning something grizzly outside the odsp offices (or outside of a doctor's office) as a political statement. the purpose is to draw attention to the fact that the system has failed me, and hopefully to produce consequences for the people responsible for that.
the flip side of this is that i don't want to waste the last six months of my life fighting disability. so, i'm NOT going to try really hard to find a doctor to fill this out - i'm going to make sure i get as much music recorded as i can in the next six months, then go out in a truly spectacular mess...
if you have any really good suicide ideas, please post them here, maybe i can work them into the action.
see, then i wonder why i keep going back to smoking. what's the use of quitting, when there's no future?
i've been to doctors, they tell me i'm healthy. i guess i'll have to prove them wrong. maybe they'll be less stupid about it after they have to peel a severed arm off their front door.
"you're holding us up with a gun!"
it's reciprocating society's ultimatum of work or starve. it's incredibly aggressive, but we're born with these knives over our heads that give us no option but to sell our labour to survive. if rejecting this means producing a violent outburst, it's a reflection of my lack of options to live in real freedom. the desperate nature of slavery *justifies* this sort of response.
so, yes, i'm turning the gun back on society. and, rather than feel bad about this, i'd encourage others to do the same.
i need to finish inri035. yes, i'm smoking tonight. at least, i am NOW. then i need to eat. then i need to carefully read through the thing and see what i can do.
but i'm not wasting large amounts of time on this, only to be rejected in the end. i'm at peace with ending my existence in the short term, just so long as i can get the work done. i need to pick up the pace a bit...
i've been quiet on the activist front since i came down here. well, i got what i want. and, i'm aware that it's *why* we have assistance set up. if you set up a society that is structurally unequal (and then expect people to fight over the wealth), you're going to end up with disaffected masses that don't want to play the game and will fight back instead. the way to control those masses is to feed and shelter them. i'm willing to play along. but you pull that out from under me, and i'm back to fighting for principles.
it's martyr thinking, granted, but it's calculated for maximum effect. i've constructed my life goals with the intent of completing them within a year or two. once i get there, there's not much else to live for. so, i'm now in a race against time.
if things work out, i get a lot done. if they don't, i can at least go out knowing i got as much done as i could...
i mean, i've got over 24 hours worth of music completed, remastered and reconstructed over the last year and a bit. that's something to be proud of. at the least, i need to have *some* kind of way to present what's left.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
noise/punk night reveals cause for concern
that was fun, then unsettling.
had a bit of a last night drinking for a while, because it's a last night smoking. i wanted to get it out of the system. once i've quit smoking for a few months, i'll go back to normal.
i picked a noise punk show to work it out. seven drinks in four hours is not much, but it underwhelmed and then hit me near the end due to taking the first three as baileys in coffee. that phog. they tell you doors at 8, then don't start the show until 10:30. i'm learning...
the walk back was unfortunate. well, here's my story...
slates was coming through windsor fresh from recording an album with steve albini, which is certainly an impressive career move. they hit a few solid points in poppy not poppy hardcore, but they were, overall, sort of generic. a particular point that needs some work would be the drumming, which tends to just plod through simple beats that are unrelated to the rest of the song. you get this when a band lacks chemistry - the drummer ends up playing by himself, while the rest of the band does it's thing. it clicked at points, but they simply weren't tight.
i went out tonight to see life in vacuum, who were definitely a lot tighter. you're not really looking for originality out of this sound nowadays, what you're looking for is that right mix of carefully calculated chaos and cathartic release. they hit that sweet spot pretty well, actually. worth checking out.
here is a full set from about a year later:
i made a split decision to stay to see the headliner, but it required a quick trip to the bank machine; on the journey from a to b, i met some random hippies, who sent me on my way with a bit of that feeling that hippies are all about. but, that's also when the fact that i'd had six drinks already sunk in.
i had to sit down, so i found a spot to the side and remained there through the first song or two. it was actually fairly pleasant post-rock - i'm glad i bumped into those hippies. but, as the set unraveled it became clear that the band was mixing up tired indie rock cliches with tired post-rock ones. they've got the form nailed, but then they use it in every song.
i was in and out of the set, connecting with it at the crescendos and nodding off during the verses. they're worth not skipping...
then...
well, i had some fun tonight until some kids stopped and threw something at me.
it seems to have missed on purpose, indicating somebody was put up to something they didn't want to do, and accidentally messed up on purpose. see, when that happens, it's a group decision to accidentally mess up on purpose - a specific individual was assigned that responsibility, to accidentally miss on purpose. it's posteuring.
i'm still processing this. i understand i need to take it seriously,...
i was too drunk to process this. reality is difficult sometimes - and that's it.
i do not have the raw information necessary to properly understand what happened.
so, do i react over-cautiously or haphazardly? there's no middle point to anchor one's self in, it's necessary to choose one extreme or the other.
exact recollection of events, while i can...
1) i'm walking home up wyandotte, a little drunk. i can walk straight. i can talk. i can get home - no worries. but complicated events aren't a good idea for me, right now.
2) a minivan - grey, i didn't get plates, that's the best i can do in descriptive terns - slows down a little and asks me to come near it.
3) i decline. something like "no, but i can answer your questions from a distance".
4) he asks me where drouillard is. there were two passengers in the front and at least one in the back. i would describe the driver as asian-indian (or pakistani) descent, male, under 30. that's all i can provide, as it's blurry.
5) i hear a smash beyond me - possibly a rock going through a window.
6) i say "that's not cool, guys."
7) the driver repeats back "that's not cool, guys?"
8) i hear a second smash behind me.
9) the van speeds off.
10) i walk home.
it seems violent, but i don't otherwise understand. at all.
is it a transgender hate attack? was i mistaken for a prostitute? did i even connect unrelated sounds? i can't make sense of this.
i was simply too drunk to process what happened. so, now i don't know how to react.
maybe it will be more clear in the morning.
i'm leaning towards it being kids with a warped perception of "cool", which is why i think what i said worked in scaring them off. which puts me in a trap, because i'm a bleeding heart liberal with kids.
this kind of shit comes from such weird places, and is carried out by people that are so badly manipulated...the system catches the fall idiot, while the structure remains intact. you're not getting anywhere hardening the idiot into a repeat offender. it's to the point where you want to just fucking boycott the legal system altogether.
maybe i'm naive, but i want to think that "that's not cool" was the most effective corrective procedure possible.
and hence the situation is dealt with.
but, i have my safety to be concerned with.
and, in truth, i have the safety of others to be concerned with, as well.
i'm not anti-incarceration. in fact, i'm pretty strict with it. i just demand a stricter set of reasons for it - specifically, the safety of the community and only that reason. incarceration should be used when the community is convinced that the individual is a permanent or imminent threat to others. at that point, it's self defense. not punishment. not deterrence. containment. banishment is not realistic in today's world.
so, my own legal leanings suggest to me the necessity of some reaction...
it's the *one* situation where i feel a legal response is justified and necessary.
but i know how this works.
and i don't think creating enemies behind the fall idiot is that smart.
you want to say "if it happens again...."
but you know you might not be around to tell that story.
i don't think anybody followed me home.
i don't have any useful information. a south asian dude in a minivan. it's useless. i can do nothing.
so, there's no use in agonizing over the right thing to do.
in truth, nothing can be done at all.
i'll just have to keep an eye out for grey minivans.
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2014/10/18.html
had a bit of a last night drinking for a while, because it's a last night smoking. i wanted to get it out of the system. once i've quit smoking for a few months, i'll go back to normal.
i picked a noise punk show to work it out. seven drinks in four hours is not much, but it underwhelmed and then hit me near the end due to taking the first three as baileys in coffee. that phog. they tell you doors at 8, then don't start the show until 10:30. i'm learning...
the walk back was unfortunate. well, here's my story...
slates was coming through windsor fresh from recording an album with steve albini, which is certainly an impressive career move. they hit a few solid points in poppy not poppy hardcore, but they were, overall, sort of generic. a particular point that needs some work would be the drumming, which tends to just plod through simple beats that are unrelated to the rest of the song. you get this when a band lacks chemistry - the drummer ends up playing by himself, while the rest of the band does it's thing. it clicked at points, but they simply weren't tight.
i went out tonight to see life in vacuum, who were definitely a lot tighter. you're not really looking for originality out of this sound nowadays, what you're looking for is that right mix of carefully calculated chaos and cathartic release. they hit that sweet spot pretty well, actually. worth checking out.
here is a full set from about a year later:
i made a split decision to stay to see the headliner, but it required a quick trip to the bank machine; on the journey from a to b, i met some random hippies, who sent me on my way with a bit of that feeling that hippies are all about. but, that's also when the fact that i'd had six drinks already sunk in.
i had to sit down, so i found a spot to the side and remained there through the first song or two. it was actually fairly pleasant post-rock - i'm glad i bumped into those hippies. but, as the set unraveled it became clear that the band was mixing up tired indie rock cliches with tired post-rock ones. they've got the form nailed, but then they use it in every song.
i was in and out of the set, connecting with it at the crescendos and nodding off during the verses. they're worth not skipping...
then...
well, i had some fun tonight until some kids stopped and threw something at me.
it seems to have missed on purpose, indicating somebody was put up to something they didn't want to do, and accidentally messed up on purpose. see, when that happens, it's a group decision to accidentally mess up on purpose - a specific individual was assigned that responsibility, to accidentally miss on purpose. it's posteuring.
i'm still processing this. i understand i need to take it seriously,...
i was too drunk to process this. reality is difficult sometimes - and that's it.
i do not have the raw information necessary to properly understand what happened.
so, do i react over-cautiously or haphazardly? there's no middle point to anchor one's self in, it's necessary to choose one extreme or the other.
exact recollection of events, while i can...
1) i'm walking home up wyandotte, a little drunk. i can walk straight. i can talk. i can get home - no worries. but complicated events aren't a good idea for me, right now.
2) a minivan - grey, i didn't get plates, that's the best i can do in descriptive terns - slows down a little and asks me to come near it.
3) i decline. something like "no, but i can answer your questions from a distance".
4) he asks me where drouillard is. there were two passengers in the front and at least one in the back. i would describe the driver as asian-indian (or pakistani) descent, male, under 30. that's all i can provide, as it's blurry.
5) i hear a smash beyond me - possibly a rock going through a window.
6) i say "that's not cool, guys."
7) the driver repeats back "that's not cool, guys?"
8) i hear a second smash behind me.
9) the van speeds off.
10) i walk home.
it seems violent, but i don't otherwise understand. at all.
is it a transgender hate attack? was i mistaken for a prostitute? did i even connect unrelated sounds? i can't make sense of this.
i was simply too drunk to process what happened. so, now i don't know how to react.
maybe it will be more clear in the morning.
i'm leaning towards it being kids with a warped perception of "cool", which is why i think what i said worked in scaring them off. which puts me in a trap, because i'm a bleeding heart liberal with kids.
this kind of shit comes from such weird places, and is carried out by people that are so badly manipulated...the system catches the fall idiot, while the structure remains intact. you're not getting anywhere hardening the idiot into a repeat offender. it's to the point where you want to just fucking boycott the legal system altogether.
maybe i'm naive, but i want to think that "that's not cool" was the most effective corrective procedure possible.
and hence the situation is dealt with.
but, i have my safety to be concerned with.
and, in truth, i have the safety of others to be concerned with, as well.
i'm not anti-incarceration. in fact, i'm pretty strict with it. i just demand a stricter set of reasons for it - specifically, the safety of the community and only that reason. incarceration should be used when the community is convinced that the individual is a permanent or imminent threat to others. at that point, it's self defense. not punishment. not deterrence. containment. banishment is not realistic in today's world.
so, my own legal leanings suggest to me the necessity of some reaction...
it's the *one* situation where i feel a legal response is justified and necessary.
but i know how this works.
and i don't think creating enemies behind the fall idiot is that smart.
you want to say "if it happens again...."
but you know you might not be around to tell that story.
i don't think anybody followed me home.
i don't have any useful information. a south asian dude in a minivan. it's useless. i can do nothing.
so, there's no use in agonizing over the right thing to do.
in truth, nothing can be done at all.
i'll just have to keep an eye out for grey minivans.
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2014/10/18.html
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
so, i've settled on getting one of those epsons tomorrow.
i could have gotten a cheaper canon for $40, but it didn't have a scanner and if i'm going to get a device like this it really ought to have one. i literally have no use for a fax, but the scanner is worth a few dollars. there's also the new factor.
now that i have a better understanding of costs, i've revised prices and added a few new aleph-numbers.
not the work i had in mind when i promised, granted, but it took some time to do.
====================
format / digital / physical:
single / $1.25 / $5
ep / $2.50 / $7
record / $5 / $10
double / $10 / $20
7.5 hour dvd-audio compilations: $50
13.5 hour flac compilation discs: $100
30 hour mp3 compilation discs: $200
note that flac is higher quality than mp3.
therefore, mp3 discs contain more music.
be sure to purchase what you WANT.
shipping:
$2 - can
$5 - us
$10 - intl
shipping rates are flat to the max, meaning i may gain slightly but i won't lose on shipping. it's otherwise about $3 to make a package. 20% of the sale price goes to transaction fees. this is as cheap as it can be while still being worthwhile to produce.
i could have gotten a cheaper canon for $40, but it didn't have a scanner and if i'm going to get a device like this it really ought to have one. i literally have no use for a fax, but the scanner is worth a few dollars. there's also the new factor.
now that i have a better understanding of costs, i've revised prices and added a few new aleph-numbers.
not the work i had in mind when i promised, granted, but it took some time to do.
====================
format / digital / physical:
single / $1.25 / $5
ep / $2.50 / $7
record / $5 / $10
double / $10 / $20
7.5 hour dvd-audio compilations: $50
13.5 hour flac compilation discs: $100
30 hour mp3 compilation discs: $200
note that flac is higher quality than mp3.
therefore, mp3 discs contain more music.
be sure to purchase what you WANT.
shipping:
$2 - can
$5 - us
$10 - intl
shipping rates are flat to the max, meaning i may gain slightly but i won't lose on shipping. it's otherwise about $3 to make a package. 20% of the sale price goes to transaction fees. this is as cheap as it can be while still being worthwhile to produce.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
i got the er to give me two months. that had better be sufficient; that is, i need to make sure it's sufficient, because it's not going to happen a second time.
1) absolute cold turkey on smoking from this point. i'm not giving them that as an excuse. nicotine is also an estrogen blocker; i have noticed that my breast size increases when i'm not smoking. it's like...i decided to quit smoking...and have....but shit keeps coming up that freaks me out. that's done. it's become a threat and needs to end.
2) i need to get on the phone tomorrow and pester for an appointment asap so i know if i need to get out of town for a third doctor or not. if i have to take a bus to london or something...
3) i'm going to have to look my best when i do walk in there.
in short, i'm going to take the hint and convert it into an incentive to better myself a little. i've maybe been stewing in my own bodily fluids a little too much recently. that's kind of a gender neutral conclusion. i've been eating well and walking a lot lately, but maybe i should be taking better care of myself in other ways, regardless.
i might look back on this as the kick in the ass that i needed to get things going again, after kind of stalling for a bit.
1) absolute cold turkey on smoking from this point. i'm not giving them that as an excuse. nicotine is also an estrogen blocker; i have noticed that my breast size increases when i'm not smoking. it's like...i decided to quit smoking...and have....but shit keeps coming up that freaks me out. that's done. it's become a threat and needs to end.
2) i need to get on the phone tomorrow and pester for an appointment asap so i know if i need to get out of town for a third doctor or not. if i have to take a bus to london or something...
3) i'm going to have to look my best when i do walk in there.
in short, i'm going to take the hint and convert it into an incentive to better myself a little. i've maybe been stewing in my own bodily fluids a little too much recently. that's kind of a gender neutral conclusion. i've been eating well and walking a lot lately, but maybe i should be taking better care of myself in other ways, regardless.
i might look back on this as the kick in the ass that i needed to get things going again, after kind of stalling for a bit.
ffs, nothing takes paypal or echeck...
excuse me while i throw myself through a window. no, honestly. i need to sit down and think how i'm going to do this.
maybe i can get a hold of somebody in ottawa.
i wonder how hard it is to synthesize it....
what's going to happen if i go off hormones?
- depression
- low self esteem
- mood swings
- anger management issues
- possibly suicidal behaviour
you know what i'm going to do? i'm going to go to the emergency room.
tomorrow.
i was not a happy person before i went on them. i'm not going to argue that i'm the happiest person in the world now, but it's a definite improvement in my well being and outlook on the world.
i may end up harming myself. i need to get that across.
no, i'm going to go now...
excuse me while i throw myself through a window. no, honestly. i need to sit down and think how i'm going to do this.
maybe i can get a hold of somebody in ottawa.
i wonder how hard it is to synthesize it....
what's going to happen if i go off hormones?
- depression
- low self esteem
- mood swings
- anger management issues
- possibly suicidal behaviour
you know what i'm going to do? i'm going to go to the emergency room.
tomorrow.
i was not a happy person before i went on them. i'm not going to argue that i'm the happiest person in the world now, but it's a definite improvement in my well being and outlook on the world.
i may end up harming myself. i need to get that across.
no, i'm going to go now...
ugh.
somehow, the files from the doctor i spoke to a few days ago ended up at the clinic i went to today. he was suggesting that there's a "health risk" involved in the estrace - even though i've been taking it for years and am in perfect health. so, the doctor at the clinic couldn't overrule the specialist.
i'm not wasting any more time trying to convince a doctor, i'm just going to order online. it's actually a little cheaper.
it means i'll have to put a few other things on hold, but so be it.
estrogen can be connected to blood clots in some cases. but that's true of everybody that takes it. it's bullshit, really. i don't know what's really going on, but i'm just not wasting any more time trying to figure it out.
i'm not angry so much as i'm annoyed. i mean, i'm of the opinion that these drugs should be available over the counter.
at this point, it would be a far greater health risk to go off of them all at once than it would be to continue with them.
somehow, the files from the doctor i spoke to a few days ago ended up at the clinic i went to today. he was suggesting that there's a "health risk" involved in the estrace - even though i've been taking it for years and am in perfect health. so, the doctor at the clinic couldn't overrule the specialist.
i'm not wasting any more time trying to convince a doctor, i'm just going to order online. it's actually a little cheaper.
it means i'll have to put a few other things on hold, but so be it.
estrogen can be connected to blood clots in some cases. but that's true of everybody that takes it. it's bullshit, really. i don't know what's really going on, but i'm just not wasting any more time trying to figure it out.
i'm not angry so much as i'm annoyed. i mean, i'm of the opinion that these drugs should be available over the counter.
at this point, it would be a far greater health risk to go off of them all at once than it would be to continue with them.
i'm dreading this - it's going to really kill my confidence and put me in a depressed state if i don't get this prescribed - but here i go...
it's such stupidity, ultimately. worst case, i'm going to order it from india. these doctors have no right to deny me access to medication i've been on for fourteen years because they don't like my hair.
i can’t be stopped. it can be made easy or hard.
it's such stupidity, ultimately. worst case, i'm going to order it from india. these doctors have no right to deny me access to medication i've been on for fourteen years because they don't like my hair.
i can’t be stopped. it can be made easy or hard.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
gah...
couldn't find lightscribe discs anywhere. the salesperson talked me into buying some discs i knew wouldn't work and they do, in fact, not work. have to bring those back on tuesday....
i think i've exhausted options in town. there's always detroit, but i may have to order them online. it's an older technology, now, that didn't really take off. but i can't afford the type of cd printer that did take off. i'll have to get one cheap eventually, but it's going to be a while...
well....unless i *can* find a printer for cheap, i guess.
see, here's the thing: i've sold one cd. i'm not yet optimistic that i'm going to sell a whole lot more. a printer is very useful and everything, but you have to put it in context. $200-300 on a printer (which would pretty much clear me out) isn't really a justified expense right now.
but if i can get one for $50....see, it's a general tool that is useful to have.
let's see what kijiji has to offer...
see, the actual printing is way better. lightscribe kind of fades after a while. i'm not putting any abstract art on it or anything, but the value of the commodity is the *number* that appears on the disc. that's what i'm selling, really, at this point - is having a numbered demo from somebody that may (or may not) end up being recognized as substantial.
my plan was to sell the number burnt with lightscribe (because that's what i have) until i've sold enough to buy the printer, then use the funds i've generated to buy the printer. but that might not really be feasible due to the difficulty finding the lightscribe media.
i have lightscribe dvds, but they're not going to read on all players. i don't really like the idea.
you have to put money down if you want to build something. i get that. it's just a question of return value. i'm happy to see the sale - and this guy is going to get something with a number burnt on it, he can be sure of that - but i'm not really convinced i'm going to see return value from the investment.
but, like i say, i need a printer anyway. just how much are they.....
couldn't find lightscribe discs anywhere. the salesperson talked me into buying some discs i knew wouldn't work and they do, in fact, not work. have to bring those back on tuesday....
i think i've exhausted options in town. there's always detroit, but i may have to order them online. it's an older technology, now, that didn't really take off. but i can't afford the type of cd printer that did take off. i'll have to get one cheap eventually, but it's going to be a while...
well....unless i *can* find a printer for cheap, i guess.
see, here's the thing: i've sold one cd. i'm not yet optimistic that i'm going to sell a whole lot more. a printer is very useful and everything, but you have to put it in context. $200-300 on a printer (which would pretty much clear me out) isn't really a justified expense right now.
but if i can get one for $50....see, it's a general tool that is useful to have.
let's see what kijiji has to offer...
see, the actual printing is way better. lightscribe kind of fades after a while. i'm not putting any abstract art on it or anything, but the value of the commodity is the *number* that appears on the disc. that's what i'm selling, really, at this point - is having a numbered demo from somebody that may (or may not) end up being recognized as substantial.
my plan was to sell the number burnt with lightscribe (because that's what i have) until i've sold enough to buy the printer, then use the funds i've generated to buy the printer. but that might not really be feasible due to the difficulty finding the lightscribe media.
i have lightscribe dvds, but they're not going to read on all players. i don't really like the idea.
you have to put money down if you want to build something. i get that. it's just a question of return value. i'm happy to see the sale - and this guy is going to get something with a number burnt on it, he can be sure of that - but i'm not really convinced i'm going to see return value from the investment.
but, like i say, i need a printer anyway. just how much are they.....
Saturday, October 11, 2014
i'm shocked. i sold something. woo!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roRQ2mNwMMQ
it felt good building up that cover art. first time i've done that in years. inri029 now has a sleeve.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/to-spin-inside-dull-aberrations
next thing is to try and find some lightscribe discs around here. windsor is kind of notorious for being low in stock on...everything. it's one of the tomato producing capitals in the world, and half the time the stores are out or full of mouldy stock from mexico (drives me nuts). it's detroit, canada, basically. hey, that's why i moved down here...
i'm sure i'll find them somewhere and be able to print it off on tuesday (monday, here, is canadian thanksgiving. bullshit holiday, but it means everything is closed.). it's going to take far too long to order something...
apparently, 40% of the population of windsor doesn't live within walking distance of a grocery store.
compute that.
major retailers (rona, for one) have recently left the city because they can't police the stores. i went into the rona about a year ago to get some exacto knives, and i had to be escorted by security past an armed guard because people were using them to rob the place.
there's still a semblance of peace on the surface, but it's really a pretty crazy place.
but i can integrate the walk to drop off compost with a lightscribe run, which will take me to one of the less crazy areas where there's a radio shack and a staples and stuff...gotta be some in one of those stores...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roRQ2mNwMMQ
it felt good building up that cover art. first time i've done that in years. inri029 now has a sleeve.
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/to-spin-inside-dull-aberrations
next thing is to try and find some lightscribe discs around here. windsor is kind of notorious for being low in stock on...everything. it's one of the tomato producing capitals in the world, and half the time the stores are out or full of mouldy stock from mexico (drives me nuts). it's detroit, canada, basically. hey, that's why i moved down here...
i'm sure i'll find them somewhere and be able to print it off on tuesday (monday, here, is canadian thanksgiving. bullshit holiday, but it means everything is closed.). it's going to take far too long to order something...
apparently, 40% of the population of windsor doesn't live within walking distance of a grocery store.
compute that.
major retailers (rona, for one) have recently left the city because they can't police the stores. i went into the rona about a year ago to get some exacto knives, and i had to be escorted by security past an armed guard because people were using them to rob the place.
there's still a semblance of peace on the surface, but it's really a pretty crazy place.
but i can integrate the walk to drop off compost with a lightscribe run, which will take me to one of the less crazy areas where there's a radio shack and a staples and stuff...gotta be some in one of those stores...
ugh. fine.
blonding and maybe also redding tomorrow. it's been a while since i dyed....two years almost...it makes a big difference, though. my natural hair colour is kind of ratty looking, and there's not really any way to style it away.
i guess i've just been sitting in my room by myself. i've been to some shows, but they're the kind where i'd rather not get hit on by smelly indie boys. few incentives to care. i'm really not that vain.
it's been a while since i updated my profile pic, too. bloody patriarchy. but i'll play along for a few weeks...
i have the dye already, i've been meaning to, just never really got around to it.
it should be nice enough on monday, even, to go out in shorts and a tanktop.
blonding and maybe also redding tomorrow. it's been a while since i dyed....two years almost...it makes a big difference, though. my natural hair colour is kind of ratty looking, and there's not really any way to style it away.
i guess i've just been sitting in my room by myself. i've been to some shows, but they're the kind where i'd rather not get hit on by smelly indie boys. few incentives to care. i'm really not that vain.
it's been a while since i updated my profile pic, too. bloody patriarchy. but i'll play along for a few weeks...
i have the dye already, i've been meaning to, just never really got around to it.
it should be nice enough on monday, even, to go out in shorts and a tanktop.
Friday, October 10, 2014
the doctors in this city are real hard asses.
so, i went down on tuesday to refill my estrogen (specifically) and learned i was on my last refill. so, i asked them to send a fax to the ottawa doctor, as they had previously done. i got something back from the doctor indicating he's no longer practicing, along with my last refill (from him). that meant i had to find a doctor here.....
i was able to quickly set up an appointment for this afternoon with an endocrinologist that deals with gender transitions. it was the same process i went through with the shrink i saw a few months ago - he decided he didn't like my attitude, accused me of having a personality disorder (which is probably true, that's why i went to see the shrink, although he wouldn't diagnose it) and tossed me from his office.
what led to the conflict was the suggestion that generally people that come in looking for prescriptions are "already living in a female role", to which i retorted that i am and have been living in a female role for many years. apparently, he didn't find it convincing. it's true that i'm not the hyper-feminine type. but it's also true that if you pulled a dozen random women off the street, i'd be somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum presented. lots of women walk around in jeans and cons and no make-up. it's entirely "normal". so, no, i'm not the hysterical trans stereotype, but the hysterical trans stereotype really isn't at all representative of women of my generation, either. the hysterical trans stereotype is actually probably indicative of a greater psychological issue than gender dysphoria, at this point, but the literature (that i've seen) is just absurdly stuck in the past. i'm really a pretty "normal", "average" kind of late 20s or early 30s woman of my age and peer group. i guess that wasn't good enough for this guy.
there's also the fact that i'm in my 30s, even if i happen to look many years younger. i've kind of grown out of the heavy-make-up-frilly-socks stage of life. i know the hysterical trans stereotype is attached to not growing out of that at all, but it's also attached to really gross sexual fetishes that i simply don't have. further, i have to be honest that i really don't like being put in a situation where i have to defend the fact that being transgendered does not imply anything about sexual preferences. at all. i'm a very sexually conservative person that has consciously chosen to not have a sex life, and it's really....gross...to have to justify my gender identification in the face of not being perceived as a tranny slut. i'm not going to walk around presenting myself as an insecure teenager, or, worse, a street walker. i'm just not that person. i like comfortable clothes that minimize my sexuality, and i'm old enough to walk around in them without giving a fuck.
i then suggested that it's not his role to act as a psychiatrist, that i've already been through that process and he really has no place in undoing an existing psychological diagnosis. that's when he started to get standoffish, but the fact is that i'm absolutely right. if the guy thinks he can undo twenty-five years worth of thinking and months of talking it over with a shrink (it was a long time ago, but it happened), in well under an hour (more like ten minutes) then he's simply an idiot. i'm sorry. it's utter stupidity.
so, i went back to the clinic that sent me there in the first place. i was able to determine that the doctor there *could* refill the medication for me, but has decided to *not* do so. as far as i could tell, it was a religious thing. she repeatedly stated that she had to be at a mosque for 2:00, which strongly suggested to me that she's opposed to the whole thing and referring me to somebody else out of principle.
i got a new referral in. but i'm very skeptical that it's going to get me the refill before nov 1. i at least now know that virtually any doctor *could* do this refill for me, for at least one month. i'm going to have to get out on monday and try to find one that will.
i didn't have makeup on, and i'm older than the model here (although don't really look it), but i otherwise didn't look that different than her:
https://www.thebudgetfashionista.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/White-Tee.jpg
is there something unfeminine about that, or is it actually a pretty "nomal" outfit?
i'd argue the latter.
it was probably *too* normal. but i'm not a drag performer. i'm the girl next door.
the literature is just really fucked.
well, i had pink shoes. and a pink sweater around my waist. that matches the shoes. minor detail.
in addition, i wasn't going to a job interview or a party or on a date. i was going to a dr's appointment. is it not far more bizarre to dress provocatively to see a doctor than it is to dress down?
would you not expect a mostly transitioned, integrated transperson to dress "normally"? would a really colourful or brazen outfit not be evidence of difficulty integrating?
but i've been to these doctors and they expect transgendered people to show up dressed provocatively. i'm not going on a feminist rant about this, what i'm thinking is obvious, it doesn't need to be stated.
i think i have to be rational about it. i've spoken to two doctors so far. one seems to have been enforcing patriarchal expectations. the other seems to have had religious objections. surely, i can find one with neither bias.
i'll point out that the nurse at the clinic indicated that the endocrinologist has a history of this kind of bullshit. i'm not the first person that's gone through this with him. so, that's another rational consideration - he's reacted like this before.
but, the doctors here that i've seen so far sure are hard asses, wow....
i guess it reinforces the importance of finding a good doctor.
which is something i have no choice but to do, now.
--
i need to stress this point: you'd think if i showed up in fishnets or something, at the age of 33, i'd be bipolar or something. honestly. you don't see women my age walking around like that to go to a doctor's appointment.
but that might be my error. maybe i'm so comfortable with myself in an essentially post-transition space that it never crossed my mind that i had something to prove to this guy.
i don't have any "business attire" to wear to the next appointment, which is a more suitable wardrobe for somebody of my age and experience. but i need to be more conscious of the fact that the guy is going to be analyzing me relative to where i was in transition five years ago, rather than where i am now.
it's bullshit. i'm mad at myself for compromising my values like this, but i think i'm going to have to.
like, i'm already transitioned. i've been transitioned for a couple of years, now. it's not a question of progressing through stages, it's a question of maintaining access to medication.
i just happen to be a chick that looks a little like a dude, and there's not really anything i can do that's within my budget to reverse that.
....but the doctor might not realize that. i'll argue strenuously that it's not his place to question it, but it's not going to get me closer to getting what i need to maintain the post-transition state.
i can't really dress for work, because i don't have a work wardrobe.
i don't want to dress like i'm going to a party, that's revolting.
but i can dress for a casual date. he fucking starts hitting on me, though, and i'm strangling him with his fucking stethoscope...
--
there's another sort of nagging concern in the back of my mind.
i've been around enough "trans support" groups to know that a lot of them are actually fronts for prostitution. his language of "i don't get a good vibe from you" and the tone of voice that he said it in kind of immediately set off those bells.
it sounds off the wall libellous, but trust me when i say it isn't: the guy very well might be a pimp, and he may have quickly determined i wasn't likely to work for him, and tossed me on my ear because of it.
i need to stop flipping out over it, though, and just get to work in finding a better doctor on monday....
i mean, the first thing he asked me was if i was bisexual. normally, they ask about it, but they don't make assumptions, and the way he asked was sort of slimy.
i responded with the truth: i'm asexual. well, i've been on testosterone blockers for four years. i don't even masturbate any more - i probably couldn't, at this point, if i tried, but i haven't tried in....a long time. i get the odd dream, but they're separated by months. and while the refrain for the last few decades has been "actually, women LIKE sex"....the truth is you need to put a "some" in there. i don't really have much interest in lying around while somebody else gets off on me. sorry.
i hadn't had sex in almost five years before i went on the testosterone blockers in the first place. the transition hasn't altered my sex life in any way, because there wasn't one to begin with. and, going off hormones isn't going to have me develop one - i'd just start masturbating again. the reasons i'm not interested in sex aren't at all connected to my gender identity. i went through a relationship about ten years ago that just completely soured me on the whole idea of relationships, and i've been single by choice ever since. they're really completely unrelated things.
but, i got a huge frown from it, as though i was stating i wasn't of any use to him.
--
just to clarify: i have absolutely no sex drive, but i actually prefer it that way, as it clears up more energy for other things. i'm not asexual because of the lack of sex drive, but the lack of a sex drive makes me more comfortable in my asexuality. you interact with people - of whatever gender - a whole lot differently when you already know that you'll never, ever have sex with them. sometimes, there's a little work in establishing that, but once it is established, it just really clears the air. there's no pretensions. no fantasies. and you figure out quickly who actually likes you for who you are and who has ulterior motives. call me a eunuch if you want, and tell me i'm an anomaly in our current culture if it makes you feel good about yourself, but i'm happier with no sex drive.
if i had to choose only one of the three drugs to take, i'd pick the testosterone blocker over the estrogen or progesterone immediately. that's one of the more profound conclusions i've come to. i haven't been reflecting here as much as i was a few years ago, but i've been thinking about that quite a bit. the feminizing aspects are desirable to me and everything, but i'm at the age where there's not really any actual consequence of them. if i were to go through the process of actual sexual reassignment now, i'd be in an age category where sex is infrequent by the time i got done, sort of thing. and, then, what have i accomplished besides having to squat in public? but the chemical castration has had really positive effects on my mental well being. that's the thing i'm going to fight the hardest to maintain.
i just find the whole thing to be such a huge waste of time. in the end, i'm going to die, and do i really want my life to have been focused on sex and labour? god, what a horribly trivial existence! i want there to be art, writings - things of substance left behind. this idea of life as a hedonistic adventure is just revolting to me. i know it's our culture. it's the way our society spins. but i'm really pretty comprehensive in my rejection of our culture and society, aren't i? it shouldn't really be that surprising, when you put it into the context of what i think about every other component of the world we inhabit.
i think i'd be more likely to fall in love with a robot than a human, but i doubt i'm going to live to see the day...
in the end, transhumanism will probably abolish sex.
i'm ahead of the curve on this and i know it. same as all the other things....
--
when i was a kid, i used to often hear that
"women can do anything men can do except pee standing up."
my dad told me that. often. i think there's quite a bit of truth to it.
if i really sit down and carefully weigh what life is going to be like pre and post srs, i have to honestly conclude that the only thing that's actually going to change is the peeing standing up part......and for the months of therapy and healing and everything else involved, it's hard to come up with a logical argument in favour of it.
there's an emotional component, but i've never been driven by emotion, i've always been driven by logic.
if it was 15 years ago, the calculation would be different, but it's pointless now, i'm too old.
--
so, i had a bad appointment today...
i'm done flipping out over it for now. back to work.
so, i went down on tuesday to refill my estrogen (specifically) and learned i was on my last refill. so, i asked them to send a fax to the ottawa doctor, as they had previously done. i got something back from the doctor indicating he's no longer practicing, along with my last refill (from him). that meant i had to find a doctor here.....
i was able to quickly set up an appointment for this afternoon with an endocrinologist that deals with gender transitions. it was the same process i went through with the shrink i saw a few months ago - he decided he didn't like my attitude, accused me of having a personality disorder (which is probably true, that's why i went to see the shrink, although he wouldn't diagnose it) and tossed me from his office.
what led to the conflict was the suggestion that generally people that come in looking for prescriptions are "already living in a female role", to which i retorted that i am and have been living in a female role for many years. apparently, he didn't find it convincing. it's true that i'm not the hyper-feminine type. but it's also true that if you pulled a dozen random women off the street, i'd be somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum presented. lots of women walk around in jeans and cons and no make-up. it's entirely "normal". so, no, i'm not the hysterical trans stereotype, but the hysterical trans stereotype really isn't at all representative of women of my generation, either. the hysterical trans stereotype is actually probably indicative of a greater psychological issue than gender dysphoria, at this point, but the literature (that i've seen) is just absurdly stuck in the past. i'm really a pretty "normal", "average" kind of late 20s or early 30s woman of my age and peer group. i guess that wasn't good enough for this guy.
there's also the fact that i'm in my 30s, even if i happen to look many years younger. i've kind of grown out of the heavy-make-up-frilly-socks stage of life. i know the hysterical trans stereotype is attached to not growing out of that at all, but it's also attached to really gross sexual fetishes that i simply don't have. further, i have to be honest that i really don't like being put in a situation where i have to defend the fact that being transgendered does not imply anything about sexual preferences. at all. i'm a very sexually conservative person that has consciously chosen to not have a sex life, and it's really....gross...to have to justify my gender identification in the face of not being perceived as a tranny slut. i'm not going to walk around presenting myself as an insecure teenager, or, worse, a street walker. i'm just not that person. i like comfortable clothes that minimize my sexuality, and i'm old enough to walk around in them without giving a fuck.
i then suggested that it's not his role to act as a psychiatrist, that i've already been through that process and he really has no place in undoing an existing psychological diagnosis. that's when he started to get standoffish, but the fact is that i'm absolutely right. if the guy thinks he can undo twenty-five years worth of thinking and months of talking it over with a shrink (it was a long time ago, but it happened), in well under an hour (more like ten minutes) then he's simply an idiot. i'm sorry. it's utter stupidity.
so, i went back to the clinic that sent me there in the first place. i was able to determine that the doctor there *could* refill the medication for me, but has decided to *not* do so. as far as i could tell, it was a religious thing. she repeatedly stated that she had to be at a mosque for 2:00, which strongly suggested to me that she's opposed to the whole thing and referring me to somebody else out of principle.
i got a new referral in. but i'm very skeptical that it's going to get me the refill before nov 1. i at least now know that virtually any doctor *could* do this refill for me, for at least one month. i'm going to have to get out on monday and try to find one that will.
i didn't have makeup on, and i'm older than the model here (although don't really look it), but i otherwise didn't look that different than her:
https://www.thebudgetfashionista.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/White-Tee.jpg
is there something unfeminine about that, or is it actually a pretty "nomal" outfit?
i'd argue the latter.
it was probably *too* normal. but i'm not a drag performer. i'm the girl next door.
the literature is just really fucked.
well, i had pink shoes. and a pink sweater around my waist. that matches the shoes. minor detail.
in addition, i wasn't going to a job interview or a party or on a date. i was going to a dr's appointment. is it not far more bizarre to dress provocatively to see a doctor than it is to dress down?
would you not expect a mostly transitioned, integrated transperson to dress "normally"? would a really colourful or brazen outfit not be evidence of difficulty integrating?
but i've been to these doctors and they expect transgendered people to show up dressed provocatively. i'm not going on a feminist rant about this, what i'm thinking is obvious, it doesn't need to be stated.
i think i have to be rational about it. i've spoken to two doctors so far. one seems to have been enforcing patriarchal expectations. the other seems to have had religious objections. surely, i can find one with neither bias.
i'll point out that the nurse at the clinic indicated that the endocrinologist has a history of this kind of bullshit. i'm not the first person that's gone through this with him. so, that's another rational consideration - he's reacted like this before.
but, the doctors here that i've seen so far sure are hard asses, wow....
i guess it reinforces the importance of finding a good doctor.
which is something i have no choice but to do, now.
--
i need to stress this point: you'd think if i showed up in fishnets or something, at the age of 33, i'd be bipolar or something. honestly. you don't see women my age walking around like that to go to a doctor's appointment.
but that might be my error. maybe i'm so comfortable with myself in an essentially post-transition space that it never crossed my mind that i had something to prove to this guy.
i don't have any "business attire" to wear to the next appointment, which is a more suitable wardrobe for somebody of my age and experience. but i need to be more conscious of the fact that the guy is going to be analyzing me relative to where i was in transition five years ago, rather than where i am now.
it's bullshit. i'm mad at myself for compromising my values like this, but i think i'm going to have to.
like, i'm already transitioned. i've been transitioned for a couple of years, now. it's not a question of progressing through stages, it's a question of maintaining access to medication.
i just happen to be a chick that looks a little like a dude, and there's not really anything i can do that's within my budget to reverse that.
....but the doctor might not realize that. i'll argue strenuously that it's not his place to question it, but it's not going to get me closer to getting what i need to maintain the post-transition state.
i can't really dress for work, because i don't have a work wardrobe.
i don't want to dress like i'm going to a party, that's revolting.
but i can dress for a casual date. he fucking starts hitting on me, though, and i'm strangling him with his fucking stethoscope...
--
there's another sort of nagging concern in the back of my mind.
i've been around enough "trans support" groups to know that a lot of them are actually fronts for prostitution. his language of "i don't get a good vibe from you" and the tone of voice that he said it in kind of immediately set off those bells.
it sounds off the wall libellous, but trust me when i say it isn't: the guy very well might be a pimp, and he may have quickly determined i wasn't likely to work for him, and tossed me on my ear because of it.
i need to stop flipping out over it, though, and just get to work in finding a better doctor on monday....
i mean, the first thing he asked me was if i was bisexual. normally, they ask about it, but they don't make assumptions, and the way he asked was sort of slimy.
i responded with the truth: i'm asexual. well, i've been on testosterone blockers for four years. i don't even masturbate any more - i probably couldn't, at this point, if i tried, but i haven't tried in....a long time. i get the odd dream, but they're separated by months. and while the refrain for the last few decades has been "actually, women LIKE sex"....the truth is you need to put a "some" in there. i don't really have much interest in lying around while somebody else gets off on me. sorry.
i hadn't had sex in almost five years before i went on the testosterone blockers in the first place. the transition hasn't altered my sex life in any way, because there wasn't one to begin with. and, going off hormones isn't going to have me develop one - i'd just start masturbating again. the reasons i'm not interested in sex aren't at all connected to my gender identity. i went through a relationship about ten years ago that just completely soured me on the whole idea of relationships, and i've been single by choice ever since. they're really completely unrelated things.
but, i got a huge frown from it, as though i was stating i wasn't of any use to him.
--
just to clarify: i have absolutely no sex drive, but i actually prefer it that way, as it clears up more energy for other things. i'm not asexual because of the lack of sex drive, but the lack of a sex drive makes me more comfortable in my asexuality. you interact with people - of whatever gender - a whole lot differently when you already know that you'll never, ever have sex with them. sometimes, there's a little work in establishing that, but once it is established, it just really clears the air. there's no pretensions. no fantasies. and you figure out quickly who actually likes you for who you are and who has ulterior motives. call me a eunuch if you want, and tell me i'm an anomaly in our current culture if it makes you feel good about yourself, but i'm happier with no sex drive.
if i had to choose only one of the three drugs to take, i'd pick the testosterone blocker over the estrogen or progesterone immediately. that's one of the more profound conclusions i've come to. i haven't been reflecting here as much as i was a few years ago, but i've been thinking about that quite a bit. the feminizing aspects are desirable to me and everything, but i'm at the age where there's not really any actual consequence of them. if i were to go through the process of actual sexual reassignment now, i'd be in an age category where sex is infrequent by the time i got done, sort of thing. and, then, what have i accomplished besides having to squat in public? but the chemical castration has had really positive effects on my mental well being. that's the thing i'm going to fight the hardest to maintain.
i just find the whole thing to be such a huge waste of time. in the end, i'm going to die, and do i really want my life to have been focused on sex and labour? god, what a horribly trivial existence! i want there to be art, writings - things of substance left behind. this idea of life as a hedonistic adventure is just revolting to me. i know it's our culture. it's the way our society spins. but i'm really pretty comprehensive in my rejection of our culture and society, aren't i? it shouldn't really be that surprising, when you put it into the context of what i think about every other component of the world we inhabit.
i think i'd be more likely to fall in love with a robot than a human, but i doubt i'm going to live to see the day...
in the end, transhumanism will probably abolish sex.
i'm ahead of the curve on this and i know it. same as all the other things....
--
when i was a kid, i used to often hear that
"women can do anything men can do except pee standing up."
my dad told me that. often. i think there's quite a bit of truth to it.
if i really sit down and carefully weigh what life is going to be like pre and post srs, i have to honestly conclude that the only thing that's actually going to change is the peeing standing up part......and for the months of therapy and healing and everything else involved, it's hard to come up with a logical argument in favour of it.
there's an emotional component, but i've never been driven by emotion, i've always been driven by logic.
if it was 15 years ago, the calculation would be different, but it's pointless now, i'm too old.
--
so, i had a bad appointment today...
i'm done flipping out over it for now. back to work.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
real life things happened less this week than i was expecting.
things i got done:
1) groceries.
2) set a dr's apt
3) cleaned
4) laundry
*5) attend dr's apt
* tomorrow. no, our public health insurance up here isn't so outstanding that you get an appointment in a day, i happen to have been playing phone tag and she'd already pencilled me in because she couldn't get a hold of me. well, i don't actually have a phone, so reaching me in real time with a phone number is actually impossible at the moment. yeah, how's that for being a hipster? no phone. ahahaha...
i honestly don't want to pay for the phone. that's really the crux of it. i pay roughly $20/yr for a mailbox. i will eventually get a phone and connect it to the voip service; for now, i'm using the leave-a-message-i'll-call-back approach, which creates problems when the other side is always busy.
the other thing is that i don't trust phones. i'm in the "harmless, but monitored out of interest" category. i don't need the cia following my gps around. it's just unsettling. i don't know how so many people can just shrug it off.
things i didn't get done:
1) buying wood. i can't; the bus is on detour. in a few weeks.
2) compost dropoff. i would have had to go this morning, but i slept-in. i leave my compost in the freezer until it builds up, then drop it off to some kids that use it to feed hungry people. i think it's technically a muslim group, but i don't get the impression that they're proselytizing. i'm solely interested in the feeding hungry people part. yeah, the state should do it, but if you've been in a food bank you know that items like fresh vegetables aren't actually there. it's mostly about dumping near expired goods. i don't like it, but i understand that the thatcher-reagan system is designed for religious groups to fill this void. given that reality, i'd much rather support a minority muslim group than a dominant christian group. balances of power and whatnot. so, i've got these giant bags of frozen banana peels and stuff and i need to walk 2-3 km to get them to there. leaky banana peel juice is kind of nasty, so i tend to prefer to go in the spring and fall when it's close to 0 to minimize the melt. i'll take this out next week, when the temperature gets back down to 3 or 4.
anyways....that means i've got all day to record, and i will! some kind of clarity something or other should be up before midnight...
things i got done:
1) groceries.
2) set a dr's apt
3) cleaned
4) laundry
*5) attend dr's apt
* tomorrow. no, our public health insurance up here isn't so outstanding that you get an appointment in a day, i happen to have been playing phone tag and she'd already pencilled me in because she couldn't get a hold of me. well, i don't actually have a phone, so reaching me in real time with a phone number is actually impossible at the moment. yeah, how's that for being a hipster? no phone. ahahaha...
i honestly don't want to pay for the phone. that's really the crux of it. i pay roughly $20/yr for a mailbox. i will eventually get a phone and connect it to the voip service; for now, i'm using the leave-a-message-i'll-call-back approach, which creates problems when the other side is always busy.
the other thing is that i don't trust phones. i'm in the "harmless, but monitored out of interest" category. i don't need the cia following my gps around. it's just unsettling. i don't know how so many people can just shrug it off.
things i didn't get done:
1) buying wood. i can't; the bus is on detour. in a few weeks.
2) compost dropoff. i would have had to go this morning, but i slept-in. i leave my compost in the freezer until it builds up, then drop it off to some kids that use it to feed hungry people. i think it's technically a muslim group, but i don't get the impression that they're proselytizing. i'm solely interested in the feeding hungry people part. yeah, the state should do it, but if you've been in a food bank you know that items like fresh vegetables aren't actually there. it's mostly about dumping near expired goods. i don't like it, but i understand that the thatcher-reagan system is designed for religious groups to fill this void. given that reality, i'd much rather support a minority muslim group than a dominant christian group. balances of power and whatnot. so, i've got these giant bags of frozen banana peels and stuff and i need to walk 2-3 km to get them to there. leaky banana peel juice is kind of nasty, so i tend to prefer to go in the spring and fall when it's close to 0 to minimize the melt. i'll take this out next week, when the temperature gets back down to 3 or 4.
anyways....that means i've got all day to record, and i will! some kind of clarity something or other should be up before midnight...
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
lol. actually, no.
there's construction on the main street about a block from my place. normally, the bus would go right through there, but it's detoured quite a ways around due to the construction.
i'm going to be carrying a significant amount of wood home. i could handle a block or two, but it's simply too far to walk.
so, i guess i'll have to wait until the construction is done. it should only be a week or two.
guess i'll do laundry.
i mean, this shelf is going to hold nearly 2000 cds. i don't have that many anymore, but i'm thinking ahead. there's five lengthy pieces of wood and 22 shelves involved. i can't be walking over a kilometre back with it.
there's construction on the main street about a block from my place. normally, the bus would go right through there, but it's detoured quite a ways around due to the construction.
i'm going to be carrying a significant amount of wood home. i could handle a block or two, but it's simply too far to walk.
so, i guess i'll have to wait until the construction is done. it should only be a week or two.
guess i'll do laundry.
i mean, this shelf is going to hold nearly 2000 cds. i don't have that many anymore, but i'm thinking ahead. there's five lengthy pieces of wood and 22 shelves involved. i can't be walking over a kilometre back with it.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
doing real life things this week.
today, i got some serious groceries done. still have to clean, and finalize the schematics for the cd shelf. i also set a doctor's appointment.
tomorrow, i get the wood for the cd shelf. i'll probably also do laundry.
thursday morning, i'll be transporting compost out to the compost people. they're some kids that grow tomatoes and give it away to hungry people. it's better than dumping the coffee grinds and tomato ends in the dumpster, where the organic material simply becomes useless.
friday, i have a doctor's appointment.
seems trivial. but i actually have a hard time making sure i'm doing things like this regularly. they tend to sit. forever.
i might get a mix of clarity done over the next few days, but that's uncertain.
i'm still not clear what i'm doing about drilling.
i'm kind of hoping home depot has a drill bit where i can just get them to do the holes. even if it's a buck a hole or something, it's better and probably even cheaper in the long run.
if not, something i'll want to check when i'm there is the price of bits. there are $20 drills in the pawn shops, but they don't have bits. i only really need the one bit. there's consequently basically no chance i'm going to buy a drill set. if i can just get one bit there at a reasonable price, i probably will and then get the $20 drill.
if i can't get the one bit? at the moment, i'm leaning towards finding some kind of co-op as a preferable option. surely, there's somewhere around here where i can just take a few pieces of wood in and drill some holes in them.
the other stuff i built is just screwing screws into particle board. yes, it's cracked a little, but it's the kind of thing where it's like "who cares?" - so long as it's sturdy. a makeup shelf doesn't take a lot of force. the stove is holding up the piece with the coffee maker. the little table i'm going to make is likely going to be lodged between a chair and a wall. these are items that don't need to be particularly sturdy, so long as they're handled intelligently.
a cd shelf is a different animal because it has to be standalone and has to keep up quite a bit of weight. so, i need to be drilling cleaner holes into bigger pieces of actual wood. i'll probably use particle board for the shelves, but i want solid wood for the bases. i'm probably simply not going to be able to screw the pieces together by hand.
i might try, though, if it comes down to spending $100 on a drill and bit set that i'm going to use a handful of times and then toss in a closet for twenty years.
actually, i'm going to need to drill holes for the pegs, too...
hrmmn.
i don't even know what size they are. i should figure that out before i go.
those shoes are also dead, the rain exposed holes in the bottom of both shoes, but i wasn't expecting them to last long, with the amount of walking that i do. these were very cheaply made shoes. i'm going to let them dry out and keep them for short in/out use, but they're useless for going more than a block.
i got a pair of pink cons about the same time, but i haven't been wearing them much because i tend to get stuck in one pair. those are now the main shoes, but i want to keep them out of the wet, too. so i'm mostly moving to those children's rain boots i got for the fall/winter/spring.
the cheap shoes were actually 2 for 1 so i already have another pair of cheap shoes that i can wear down to nothing for next year....
today, i got some serious groceries done. still have to clean, and finalize the schematics for the cd shelf. i also set a doctor's appointment.
tomorrow, i get the wood for the cd shelf. i'll probably also do laundry.
thursday morning, i'll be transporting compost out to the compost people. they're some kids that grow tomatoes and give it away to hungry people. it's better than dumping the coffee grinds and tomato ends in the dumpster, where the organic material simply becomes useless.
friday, i have a doctor's appointment.
seems trivial. but i actually have a hard time making sure i'm doing things like this regularly. they tend to sit. forever.
i might get a mix of clarity done over the next few days, but that's uncertain.
i'm still not clear what i'm doing about drilling.
i'm kind of hoping home depot has a drill bit where i can just get them to do the holes. even if it's a buck a hole or something, it's better and probably even cheaper in the long run.
if not, something i'll want to check when i'm there is the price of bits. there are $20 drills in the pawn shops, but they don't have bits. i only really need the one bit. there's consequently basically no chance i'm going to buy a drill set. if i can just get one bit there at a reasonable price, i probably will and then get the $20 drill.
if i can't get the one bit? at the moment, i'm leaning towards finding some kind of co-op as a preferable option. surely, there's somewhere around here where i can just take a few pieces of wood in and drill some holes in them.
the other stuff i built is just screwing screws into particle board. yes, it's cracked a little, but it's the kind of thing where it's like "who cares?" - so long as it's sturdy. a makeup shelf doesn't take a lot of force. the stove is holding up the piece with the coffee maker. the little table i'm going to make is likely going to be lodged between a chair and a wall. these are items that don't need to be particularly sturdy, so long as they're handled intelligently.
a cd shelf is a different animal because it has to be standalone and has to keep up quite a bit of weight. so, i need to be drilling cleaner holes into bigger pieces of actual wood. i'll probably use particle board for the shelves, but i want solid wood for the bases. i'm probably simply not going to be able to screw the pieces together by hand.
i might try, though, if it comes down to spending $100 on a drill and bit set that i'm going to use a handful of times and then toss in a closet for twenty years.
actually, i'm going to need to drill holes for the pegs, too...
hrmmn.
i don't even know what size they are. i should figure that out before i go.
those shoes are also dead, the rain exposed holes in the bottom of both shoes, but i wasn't expecting them to last long, with the amount of walking that i do. these were very cheaply made shoes. i'm going to let them dry out and keep them for short in/out use, but they're useless for going more than a block.
i got a pair of pink cons about the same time, but i haven't been wearing them much because i tend to get stuck in one pair. those are now the main shoes, but i want to keep them out of the wet, too. so i'm mostly moving to those children's rain boots i got for the fall/winter/spring.
the cheap shoes were actually 2 for 1 so i already have another pair of cheap shoes that i can wear down to nothing for next year....
Thursday, October 2, 2014
the buses in detroit end ridiculously early. 9, 10 o'clock. yeah - absurd. i'm still mad that i can't take my bike under the tunnel, but it's been a non-issue so far because everything i've been to has been within walking distance from the tunnel. i was thinking about going to hamtramck tonight but it doesn't seem like i'm going to be able to get home until the morning - even if the show is over before 11:00. the show would have to actually end before 10:00 to catch the bus back...
it's not far, either - it's a twenty minute bus ride. the buses just end at 9 or 10.
i know, it's detroit - everybody has a car. says the 85 year-old. that hasn't been true in decades. it probably has more to do with public safety, but it's hardly safer to walk an hour and a half back to the tunnel.
they're building a light rail up woodward and i think this might help a bit. but i'm very seriously considering getting a bike and just parking it in the parking garage at the border.
there's advertisements all over the buses in ottawa - take the bus if you're out drinking. they even have free bus service on certain days where people are expected to drink a lot.
with a bus schedule that ends that early, i'd expect that detroit would have a pretty high dui rate.
i will probably purposefully strand myself in detroit over night at least once in the upcoming year, but the show tonight isn't worth stranding myself for.
it's not far, either - it's a twenty minute bus ride. the buses just end at 9 or 10.
i know, it's detroit - everybody has a car. says the 85 year-old. that hasn't been true in decades. it probably has more to do with public safety, but it's hardly safer to walk an hour and a half back to the tunnel.
they're building a light rail up woodward and i think this might help a bit. but i'm very seriously considering getting a bike and just parking it in the parking garage at the border.
there's advertisements all over the buses in ottawa - take the bus if you're out drinking. they even have free bus service on certain days where people are expected to drink a lot.
with a bus schedule that ends that early, i'd expect that detroit would have a pretty high dui rate.
i will probably purposefully strand myself in detroit over night at least once in the upcoming year, but the show tonight isn't worth stranding myself for.
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
took off for a few hours to see cloud nothings in detroit
i caught cloud nothings in detroit tonight....
i'm actually not going to write much of a review. i've been listening to their newest record quite a lot this year, so i was very familiar with the material; it was nicely loud, harmonically dissonant, ironically obnoxious and just a little bit catchy, and that's what you're looking for with this. did i mention it was loud?
they closed with wasted days, which was the most obvious thing possible, but a nice head cave, nonetheless.
obviously, the stage was a little smaller...
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2014/09/30.html
i'm actually not going to write much of a review. i've been listening to their newest record quite a lot this year, so i was very familiar with the material; it was nicely loud, harmonically dissonant, ironically obnoxious and just a little bit catchy, and that's what you're looking for with this. did i mention it was loud?
they closed with wasted days, which was the most obvious thing possible, but a nice head cave, nonetheless.
obviously, the stage was a little smaller...
http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2014/09/30.html
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