it seemed flat, but i guess there was a steady incline. i guessed as much moving home, on the other side of it.
Friday, June 19, 2020
how far did i bike today?
i went there and i went back. so, that's 54.5*2 = 109 km. that's about 68 miles.
google says three hours, and maybe that might be true if literally biking at a constant rate, but i stopped repeatedly for hydration, which is a real-life adjustment. it took me about four hours in either direction.
i don't feel that this is the limit of what i could do on a bike over a day. rather, i'm sure i could do more. but, i worry about the safety of the roads. much further than leamington, and i'm going to have to take a freeway, and i don't want to.
i'm also rather sun burnt, and won't know the extent of it until tomorrow.
i got enough for 25 days. let's just hope there's a better answer in 25 days....
how do i feel after that? i think it'll hit me tomorrow...
i went there and i went back. so, that's 54.5*2 = 109 km. that's about 68 miles.
google says three hours, and maybe that might be true if literally biking at a constant rate, but i stopped repeatedly for hydration, which is a real-life adjustment. it took me about four hours in either direction.
i don't feel that this is the limit of what i could do on a bike over a day. rather, i'm sure i could do more. but, i worry about the safety of the roads. much further than leamington, and i'm going to have to take a freeway, and i don't want to.
i'm also rather sun burnt, and won't know the extent of it until tomorrow.
i got enough for 25 days. let's just hope there's a better answer in 25 days....
how do i feel after that? i think it'll hit me tomorrow...
Wednesday, June 17, 2020
so, what's going on with me?
yesterday, i got a little bit upset about the border being closed for another month and went to get something to eat to kind of let me head settle before i started strategizing, and i decided that i couldn't waste the solstice sitting inside complaining. so, i went and bought a quarter of what so far seems to be better quality marijuana, at a reasonable price. it worked out to $65 for the quarter after taxes, which is in line with expected costs. we'll see how i feel as the solstice contains to carry on, but i'm feeling alright for just right now.
i didn't get a thing done last night at all, i just got lost reading articles, and made a comment or two on them. but, i was more just baked and wanting to passively read. it happens, sometimes.
this afternoon, i finally started calling around about the estrace and found 100 pills in an undisclosed location that is going to require some travelling to get to tomorrow. google wants to either send me up this gravel dirt path (which is going to be awful bicycling through) or down this abandoned rural, forested road, presumably because it's the shortest path. but, i'd like to travel mostly through civilization of some sort, even if that civilization is just farmland. i'm not keen about getting eaten while bicycling to get estrace. so, i've been charting my own path through the essex back roads, to try to maximize human contact while travelling. i'm realizing that this region is far more populated than i imagined it was. i think i can do this fairly reasonably.
so, i'm off for an adventure tomorrow.
the good news is that that's another 25 days, so if i can get all of the running around i need done, hopefully i can finish that thought process i started the other day relatively quickly. i never got around to cleaning up the overposting on the deathtokoalas blog, and should get to doing that tonight, maybe.
yesterday, i got a little bit upset about the border being closed for another month and went to get something to eat to kind of let me head settle before i started strategizing, and i decided that i couldn't waste the solstice sitting inside complaining. so, i went and bought a quarter of what so far seems to be better quality marijuana, at a reasonable price. it worked out to $65 for the quarter after taxes, which is in line with expected costs. we'll see how i feel as the solstice contains to carry on, but i'm feeling alright for just right now.
i didn't get a thing done last night at all, i just got lost reading articles, and made a comment or two on them. but, i was more just baked and wanting to passively read. it happens, sometimes.
this afternoon, i finally started calling around about the estrace and found 100 pills in an undisclosed location that is going to require some travelling to get to tomorrow. google wants to either send me up this gravel dirt path (which is going to be awful bicycling through) or down this abandoned rural, forested road, presumably because it's the shortest path. but, i'd like to travel mostly through civilization of some sort, even if that civilization is just farmland. i'm not keen about getting eaten while bicycling to get estrace. so, i've been charting my own path through the essex back roads, to try to maximize human contact while travelling. i'm realizing that this region is far more populated than i imagined it was. i think i can do this fairly reasonably.
so, i'm off for an adventure tomorrow.
the good news is that that's another 25 days, so if i can get all of the running around i need done, hopefully i can finish that thought process i started the other day relatively quickly. i never got around to cleaning up the overposting on the deathtokoalas blog, and should get to doing that tonight, maybe.
there's a dog across the street, and the first couple of times it saw me walk by, it modulated between incessant yelping and curious distance. but, as it has seen me walk by a few times, it's grown accustomed to me, and is now approaching me with wagging tail and sagging tongue.
see, i think it's figured out what i'm doing when i go out. i don't want to say the magic w-word, it might know and get excited, and think....but alas, no. i will walk...shit...right by every time.
central to this change in reaction, i think, is the recognition that i live across the street. the dog seems to have noticed that, specifically, and been able to abstract close living conditions with pack membership. i live in this dog's hood, so i'm therefore cool to walk with.
it remains to be seen how the dog reacts to repeated rejection, as i continue to saunter by and leave it behind. in it's dog's mind, it no doubt believes it has an equal opportunity to walking, and it damned well knows i'm going for a walk - without him. behavioural tests on dogs have shown that they understand preferential treatment, and have an intuitive concept of justice around sharing, up to the point that they are, of course, immensely competitive for resources. it's the same contradictions we have, just in a more primal and less restrained form. so, the dog is going to no doubt feel left out, at some point.
the real revolution, of course, will come when the dog takes the initiative to walk itself. only then can there be true opportunity for all to engage in equal walking; for the dog to gain the freedom of a human to walk at will, it must seize it for itself. but, there is such a high level of responsibility to self-walking, including the need to regulate defecation, to avoid biting and to just plum out not run away, that it seems questionable whether self-walking is a realistic goal for the dog population at this point. there would really need to be a social revolution in doggy behaviour, and it would no doubt need to be expressed genotypically before it could be established with any force or regularity.
but, i wonder if the friendly dog again turns vicious in the end, due to dejection.
'cause i'm goin' for a walk. that's right. a walk. see ya doggy....
see, i think it's figured out what i'm doing when i go out. i don't want to say the magic w-word, it might know and get excited, and think....but alas, no. i will walk...shit...right by every time.
central to this change in reaction, i think, is the recognition that i live across the street. the dog seems to have noticed that, specifically, and been able to abstract close living conditions with pack membership. i live in this dog's hood, so i'm therefore cool to walk with.
it remains to be seen how the dog reacts to repeated rejection, as i continue to saunter by and leave it behind. in it's dog's mind, it no doubt believes it has an equal opportunity to walking, and it damned well knows i'm going for a walk - without him. behavioural tests on dogs have shown that they understand preferential treatment, and have an intuitive concept of justice around sharing, up to the point that they are, of course, immensely competitive for resources. it's the same contradictions we have, just in a more primal and less restrained form. so, the dog is going to no doubt feel left out, at some point.
the real revolution, of course, will come when the dog takes the initiative to walk itself. only then can there be true opportunity for all to engage in equal walking; for the dog to gain the freedom of a human to walk at will, it must seize it for itself. but, there is such a high level of responsibility to self-walking, including the need to regulate defecation, to avoid biting and to just plum out not run away, that it seems questionable whether self-walking is a realistic goal for the dog population at this point. there would really need to be a social revolution in doggy behaviour, and it would no doubt need to be expressed genotypically before it could be established with any force or regularity.
but, i wonder if the friendly dog again turns vicious in the end, due to dejection.
'cause i'm goin' for a walk. that's right. a walk. see ya doggy....
Thursday, June 11, 2020
i got a little bit distracted yesterday by this playlist embedding feature on youtube, which has tended to be broken more often than not. i just realized it works again. i'm almost caught back up...
i was feeling great yesterday in the high humidity - finally - but i woke up to chapped lips from the fucking air conditioner upstairs, and i've been groggy and unfocused since. we're going to get a mild spike, but it's nothing like yesterday and that contraption might ruin it :(. but i want to wait until the sun comes down before i shower.
i've given it a few tries, and the red peppers are an acceptable change in taste. it's a little sweeter, but, really, it's the tomato that overpowers, in the mixture. so, it's less like i'm introducing something sweet in and more like i'm losing the bitter green pepper - which i actually like, but i'm more concerned about nutrients just right now. so, i'm going to stick with them for a while and see what it does in the long run...
how about the meds? it's been a week since i doubled the t-blockers, and i haven't notice a whole lot yet. it's got me wondering, though. what if this doesn't work? what if i'm doomed to detransitioning?
i never really experimented with homosexuality. i had one girlfriend, and the way that worked was that she went after me, and i relented at a weak point; i would have normally resisted her. but, i was just starting hormones, as a virgin. she talked me into it as an experiment; it wasn't supposed to be a long term relationship. but, i got very emotionally attached in a way that seemed to confuse her...she never really grasped the whole concept of transsexuality. i would have probably otherwise gone through with this years ago.
as it is, i've turned down a lot of girls since then (i don't tend to show up properly on the gaydar of women) and have long realized that i'm just not into them and am probably never going to be. but, i've never made an actual attempt to be a gay male.
if i'm stuck with these stupid things whether i like it or not....
let's hope it works and i can get to a surgeon sooner or later, so this isn't an actual issue. but, if i end up detransitioning, maybe i can try the whole gay dude thing out for a bit, at least. maybe it's worth a try. i dunno.
i was feeling great yesterday in the high humidity - finally - but i woke up to chapped lips from the fucking air conditioner upstairs, and i've been groggy and unfocused since. we're going to get a mild spike, but it's nothing like yesterday and that contraption might ruin it :(. but i want to wait until the sun comes down before i shower.
i've given it a few tries, and the red peppers are an acceptable change in taste. it's a little sweeter, but, really, it's the tomato that overpowers, in the mixture. so, it's less like i'm introducing something sweet in and more like i'm losing the bitter green pepper - which i actually like, but i'm more concerned about nutrients just right now. so, i'm going to stick with them for a while and see what it does in the long run...
how about the meds? it's been a week since i doubled the t-blockers, and i haven't notice a whole lot yet. it's got me wondering, though. what if this doesn't work? what if i'm doomed to detransitioning?
i never really experimented with homosexuality. i had one girlfriend, and the way that worked was that she went after me, and i relented at a weak point; i would have normally resisted her. but, i was just starting hormones, as a virgin. she talked me into it as an experiment; it wasn't supposed to be a long term relationship. but, i got very emotionally attached in a way that seemed to confuse her...she never really grasped the whole concept of transsexuality. i would have probably otherwise gone through with this years ago.
as it is, i've turned down a lot of girls since then (i don't tend to show up properly on the gaydar of women) and have long realized that i'm just not into them and am probably never going to be. but, i've never made an actual attempt to be a gay male.
if i'm stuck with these stupid things whether i like it or not....
let's hope it works and i can get to a surgeon sooner or later, so this isn't an actual issue. but, if i end up detransitioning, maybe i can try the whole gay dude thing out for a bit, at least. maybe it's worth a try. i dunno.
Wednesday, June 10, 2020
Sunday, June 7, 2020
i'm in an impossible situation with the smoke.
i'm pretty sure the smoke is coming from upstairs, mostly, but i've had mixed results with the windows open; sometimes, it seems like it's clearing the shit from upstairs out, and sometimes it seems like it's letting shit in.
but, if i close the window, it's going to get cold and dry in here, which is the worst.
it actually hasn't been that humid here recently. it's been hot, finally, but it's more of a dry heat. i prefer a humid heat to a dry one, myself. so, i'm not getting the turn over i really want, it's kind of just more like i've got the heat on to try to overpower the a/c.
but, my basic choice appears to be that i can close the window and suffer through the a/c or open the window and cough at the smokers on the street, which is as shitty an option as there could be. i think i hate smokers less than i hate air conditioning. which says something about how much i hate air conditioning....
i'm not sure if that's actually rigorous, though. i mean, i'm not going to swear on the directionality of my sense of smell. and, more often than not, it seems like the smoke is coming from upstairs, anyways.
i need to be clear: i've actually never seen anybody smoking anywhere near my window, in this unit. i'm pretty sure that the neighbours directly outside the window smoke, but i've never seen them outside smoking and i've seen at most two or three butts in what now amounts to almost two years. every time i've gone outside, i haven't smelled anything. i have no evidence that they're the cause of anything. in fact, they're exceedingly quiet, and i'm not sure if they're even home, or have been home for weeks.
the neighbours on the other side smoke rather heavily and the mom seems to be a "medicinal" marijuana addict. there's a family living there, at least part time, and she seems to have gotten the kids smoking at a young age. but, i'm also not sure if they're even home, and i've mostly avoided them by keeping the windows on that side of the house shut.
i suppose it's possible that what i think is coming from upstairs is actually coming from the other side, but i don't think that's actually true. while i might catch them out smoking sometimes, it's actually infrequent, and they tend to smoke in the back, on the far side. what i'm experiencing this weekend is relatively constant, and i don't think it's them.
there are heavy smokers across the street that are visible and noticeable, but they're up a hill and a ways away and it doesn't make sense to think it's seeping down in this direction. we don't get shit shinooks. the hill just isn't big enough.
so, if i could figure it out, right? if you could tell me who to yell at, i'd yell at them. but, the reality seems to be that it's somebody upstairs, and they just lie about it when confronted, so what's the point?
all i can do is clean more frequently, keep an eye out for slips i might capitalize on and otherwise wait for subsidized housing to call.
i'm pretty sure the smoke is coming from upstairs, mostly, but i've had mixed results with the windows open; sometimes, it seems like it's clearing the shit from upstairs out, and sometimes it seems like it's letting shit in.
but, if i close the window, it's going to get cold and dry in here, which is the worst.
it actually hasn't been that humid here recently. it's been hot, finally, but it's more of a dry heat. i prefer a humid heat to a dry one, myself. so, i'm not getting the turn over i really want, it's kind of just more like i've got the heat on to try to overpower the a/c.
but, my basic choice appears to be that i can close the window and suffer through the a/c or open the window and cough at the smokers on the street, which is as shitty an option as there could be. i think i hate smokers less than i hate air conditioning. which says something about how much i hate air conditioning....
i'm not sure if that's actually rigorous, though. i mean, i'm not going to swear on the directionality of my sense of smell. and, more often than not, it seems like the smoke is coming from upstairs, anyways.
i need to be clear: i've actually never seen anybody smoking anywhere near my window, in this unit. i'm pretty sure that the neighbours directly outside the window smoke, but i've never seen them outside smoking and i've seen at most two or three butts in what now amounts to almost two years. every time i've gone outside, i haven't smelled anything. i have no evidence that they're the cause of anything. in fact, they're exceedingly quiet, and i'm not sure if they're even home, or have been home for weeks.
the neighbours on the other side smoke rather heavily and the mom seems to be a "medicinal" marijuana addict. there's a family living there, at least part time, and she seems to have gotten the kids smoking at a young age. but, i'm also not sure if they're even home, and i've mostly avoided them by keeping the windows on that side of the house shut.
i suppose it's possible that what i think is coming from upstairs is actually coming from the other side, but i don't think that's actually true. while i might catch them out smoking sometimes, it's actually infrequent, and they tend to smoke in the back, on the far side. what i'm experiencing this weekend is relatively constant, and i don't think it's them.
there are heavy smokers across the street that are visible and noticeable, but they're up a hill and a ways away and it doesn't make sense to think it's seeping down in this direction. we don't get shit shinooks. the hill just isn't big enough.
so, if i could figure it out, right? if you could tell me who to yell at, i'd yell at them. but, the reality seems to be that it's somebody upstairs, and they just lie about it when confronted, so what's the point?
all i can do is clean more frequently, keep an eye out for slips i might capitalize on and otherwise wait for subsidized housing to call.
Saturday, June 6, 2020
it may have been psychological....
but, i could have sworn i felt my eyes refocus as i was eating the first red pepper, as though my body was saying thank you for getting me the nutrients you've been denying me. i'm sorry, ocular system; i'm sorry, brain. i didn't realize it. really.
your eyes are really a window into your brain, literally. it's like your brain burrowed out into the world through your skull and tried to eat the light...
i understand that it won't fix my broader vision problems, which are....this is a very sad story, actually....
i had surgery for a "lazy eye" when i was a kid, which was something my parents got into a heated argument about. basically, my mother decided that i should get the surgery because she had the surgery. that was the extent of her logic - she had it, so therefore i must have it. i don't know if this is a result of how alcoholics anonymous destroys your brain or if she was a genetic determinist to begin with, but she has little concept of the stochasticism and randomness that defines modern science, including modern genetics - she seems to think, essentially, that dna is some kind of god, and we have almost no ability to overturn it. in her estimation, we are entirely predetermined at birth, and that's all there is to it.
she had a lazy eye, therefore i have a lazy eye. qed.
as mentioned, i think the root cause of this weirdness is not some kind of calvinism, or at least not explicitly, but the 12-step program, which has brainwashed her into thinking that she has a genetic disease called alcoholism that she has no free will over. she has extrapolated that exceedingly widely, in absolutely absurd ways, and this is really just one example of it, however extreme it is.
my dad insisted on some kind of evidence and this is the crushingly sad part of it - he took me to doctor after doctor and they all actually told me that i don't have an eye condition. that's right - i saw roughly ten doctors, and they all told me my vision was great.
she finally found a doctor that would do it, and the result is that my eyesight has been relatively poor ever since.
i was too young to really put up much of a fight. and, the court gave my mom custody, despite her history of substance dependence and mental illness, because a child should be with their mother - my dad had no legal ability to stop it.
so, the vitmain a won't undo a surgery that should have never been done or fix my eyesight that was ruined at the end of a knife blade.
but, i swear that i felt it sharpen in focus. for a minute.
it was getting pretty bad for a bit. really. i can handle being near-sighted, but i'd like the distance before it clicks in to be more than a foot. if it helps even a little, that's welcome.
but, i could have sworn i felt my eyes refocus as i was eating the first red pepper, as though my body was saying thank you for getting me the nutrients you've been denying me. i'm sorry, ocular system; i'm sorry, brain. i didn't realize it. really.
your eyes are really a window into your brain, literally. it's like your brain burrowed out into the world through your skull and tried to eat the light...
i understand that it won't fix my broader vision problems, which are....this is a very sad story, actually....
i had surgery for a "lazy eye" when i was a kid, which was something my parents got into a heated argument about. basically, my mother decided that i should get the surgery because she had the surgery. that was the extent of her logic - she had it, so therefore i must have it. i don't know if this is a result of how alcoholics anonymous destroys your brain or if she was a genetic determinist to begin with, but she has little concept of the stochasticism and randomness that defines modern science, including modern genetics - she seems to think, essentially, that dna is some kind of god, and we have almost no ability to overturn it. in her estimation, we are entirely predetermined at birth, and that's all there is to it.
she had a lazy eye, therefore i have a lazy eye. qed.
as mentioned, i think the root cause of this weirdness is not some kind of calvinism, or at least not explicitly, but the 12-step program, which has brainwashed her into thinking that she has a genetic disease called alcoholism that she has no free will over. she has extrapolated that exceedingly widely, in absolutely absurd ways, and this is really just one example of it, however extreme it is.
my dad insisted on some kind of evidence and this is the crushingly sad part of it - he took me to doctor after doctor and they all actually told me that i don't have an eye condition. that's right - i saw roughly ten doctors, and they all told me my vision was great.
she finally found a doctor that would do it, and the result is that my eyesight has been relatively poor ever since.
i was too young to really put up much of a fight. and, the court gave my mom custody, despite her history of substance dependence and mental illness, because a child should be with their mother - my dad had no legal ability to stop it.
so, the vitmain a won't undo a surgery that should have never been done or fix my eyesight that was ruined at the end of a knife blade.
but, i swear that i felt it sharpen in focus. for a minute.
it was getting pretty bad for a bit. really. i can handle being near-sighted, but i'd like the distance before it clicks in to be more than a foot. if it helps even a little, that's welcome.
Friday, June 5, 2020
i just find this so horribly frustrating. it's enough to make me want to just go out into the woods and hack them off with a fucking machete, then call an ambulance and let them deal with the blood loss, and then send the bill to the "specialist" that refused to do it.
and, as it is, i lost a week looking for hormones that should really be available over the counter to try and fight off a hormonal imbalance that should have been corrected eons ago. ugh.
so, what's happened since tuesday morning?
as mentioned, i went to an appointment on tuesday. my vitals are great, but my testosterone is...it's not as wonderfully low as it was previously, and it's been creeping up, which i need to put a stop to, immediately. the doctor suggested i move to spiro and i tentatively agreed without really looking into it. i also picked up some generic estrogen on the way home, after realizing how hard it's going to be to get the brand name product, which i later learned is on back-order for the foreseeable future.
i also picked up some red peppers when i was out, as i mentioned i would, to try to get the A up. but, it otherwise wasn't a very exciting day.
i was hoping to get a start on the court stuff overnight, but i got lost in researching the different anti-androgens, instead, and ended up sending a lengthy fax to my doctor, requesting we go back to cyproterone and boost the dose to try to stop the testosterone from creeping up further and potentially detransitioning me (which would be a deep existential crisis that probably would make me suicidal). in the afternoon, i ended up calling every store in town and finding 30 estrace pills at the furthest possible store.
how far? this far:
it actually wasn't that long a ride, and i found myself disappointed by the fact that i didn't even break a sweat. i'm not exaggerating - my brow was bone dry, after biking in the heat for an hour in either direction. a big part of the problem was that there was a cool breeze running the whole way. so, i was hoping for a nice sweaty ride in 40 degree humidity - exercising in sauna-like conditions - and instead ended up in a situation that was more like biking in an air conditioned room, which is pointless. in fact, it was sort of depressing. i didn't start to feel the heat until late in the afternoon, when it went over 30, but by then i was about to come in....
the doctor did reverse the prescription for me, but he didn't immediately boost the dosage. so, i picked up a refill for thirty days that is only going to last me 15, and i asked the pharmacy to fax the doctor, asking him if he got the dosage right.
i was at least tired when i got in, but, if anything, it seemed like i'd gained a few points from the mountain dew i was drinking as a pick-me-up. and i'm sort of distraught about it, as i may hardly get any exercise at all this summer, if they don't let me out to do stuff. i don't want to go out and ride my bike around in circles like a fucking retard to get my heart rate up; i'd feel like i'm wasting my time. and, i'm not interested in protest politics that aren't fundamentally about class, which seems to be out of fashion right now (i'll wait.). but, if i can get out to go to concerts and stuff, i can get a lot of exercise just by using my bike as a means of transportation. that's what i've been relying on for years. yesterday was my chance to sweat it out, and i feel it was wasted by the cool weather.
i mean, i could have picked up the pace, and that would have potentially got me sweating a little, but at the expense of building muscle. i'm interested in cardio; i'm not interested in weight gain. so, i don't want to do exercises designed to build muscle, which is what biking hard in a cool wind is. that's actually why i've been avoiding the bike all year - it's been too cold, and biking in the cold leads to weight gain, not weight loss.
*shrug*
i slept until early in the morning, and i've been kind of doing loose ends kinds of things since - putting away fruit, doing dishes, eating, cleaning up the blog, etc.
i got the replacement noise trade site up last night when i got out of the shower, and before i crashed. still no word back from them. and, it's still up. for now. i dunno....i really want them to write me some kind of essay, so i understand.
what's next?
well, i wanted to get a handle on the court stuff this week, but i guess that's done, now. it looks more like that's going to be a weekend thing. and, i should probably give paste another few days to respond before i give up on them and set up shop elsewhere.
as of right now, i should be in for another 15-20 days, until i need to get out to find more estrogen. so, let's hope i can get these things done with in that space, and get a good start on the last batch of liner notes to close the first reconstruction phase.
and, as it is, i lost a week looking for hormones that should really be available over the counter to try and fight off a hormonal imbalance that should have been corrected eons ago. ugh.
so, what's happened since tuesday morning?
as mentioned, i went to an appointment on tuesday. my vitals are great, but my testosterone is...it's not as wonderfully low as it was previously, and it's been creeping up, which i need to put a stop to, immediately. the doctor suggested i move to spiro and i tentatively agreed without really looking into it. i also picked up some generic estrogen on the way home, after realizing how hard it's going to be to get the brand name product, which i later learned is on back-order for the foreseeable future.
i also picked up some red peppers when i was out, as i mentioned i would, to try to get the A up. but, it otherwise wasn't a very exciting day.
i was hoping to get a start on the court stuff overnight, but i got lost in researching the different anti-androgens, instead, and ended up sending a lengthy fax to my doctor, requesting we go back to cyproterone and boost the dose to try to stop the testosterone from creeping up further and potentially detransitioning me (which would be a deep existential crisis that probably would make me suicidal). in the afternoon, i ended up calling every store in town and finding 30 estrace pills at the furthest possible store.
how far? this far:
it actually wasn't that long a ride, and i found myself disappointed by the fact that i didn't even break a sweat. i'm not exaggerating - my brow was bone dry, after biking in the heat for an hour in either direction. a big part of the problem was that there was a cool breeze running the whole way. so, i was hoping for a nice sweaty ride in 40 degree humidity - exercising in sauna-like conditions - and instead ended up in a situation that was more like biking in an air conditioned room, which is pointless. in fact, it was sort of depressing. i didn't start to feel the heat until late in the afternoon, when it went over 30, but by then i was about to come in....
the doctor did reverse the prescription for me, but he didn't immediately boost the dosage. so, i picked up a refill for thirty days that is only going to last me 15, and i asked the pharmacy to fax the doctor, asking him if he got the dosage right.
i was at least tired when i got in, but, if anything, it seemed like i'd gained a few points from the mountain dew i was drinking as a pick-me-up. and i'm sort of distraught about it, as i may hardly get any exercise at all this summer, if they don't let me out to do stuff. i don't want to go out and ride my bike around in circles like a fucking retard to get my heart rate up; i'd feel like i'm wasting my time. and, i'm not interested in protest politics that aren't fundamentally about class, which seems to be out of fashion right now (i'll wait.). but, if i can get out to go to concerts and stuff, i can get a lot of exercise just by using my bike as a means of transportation. that's what i've been relying on for years. yesterday was my chance to sweat it out, and i feel it was wasted by the cool weather.
i mean, i could have picked up the pace, and that would have potentially got me sweating a little, but at the expense of building muscle. i'm interested in cardio; i'm not interested in weight gain. so, i don't want to do exercises designed to build muscle, which is what biking hard in a cool wind is. that's actually why i've been avoiding the bike all year - it's been too cold, and biking in the cold leads to weight gain, not weight loss.
*shrug*
i slept until early in the morning, and i've been kind of doing loose ends kinds of things since - putting away fruit, doing dishes, eating, cleaning up the blog, etc.
i got the replacement noise trade site up last night when i got out of the shower, and before i crashed. still no word back from them. and, it's still up. for now. i dunno....i really want them to write me some kind of essay, so i understand.
what's next?
well, i wanted to get a handle on the court stuff this week, but i guess that's done, now. it looks more like that's going to be a weekend thing. and, i should probably give paste another few days to respond before i give up on them and set up shop elsewhere.
as of right now, i should be in for another 15-20 days, until i need to get out to find more estrogen. so, let's hope i can get these things done with in that space, and get a good start on the last batch of liner notes to close the first reconstruction phase.
ugh.
my doctor doesn't want to increase my dosage of cyproterone. so, i'm going to have to find a way to get around him.
i sent him this today, and we'll see what he tells me, but i'll order it from out of the country if he doesn't prescribe it, that's fine.
===
hi.
i feel it's my responsibility as a patient to let you know that i began doubling my dosage of cyproterone yesterday, and will be continuing to take 200 mg a day until my next bloodwork. i have enough supply to last me until the end of june and will find some other way to secure a sufficient amount of t-blockers if you won't prescribe it.
i was also able to find enough brand name estrogen to take me until the end of june, and was consequently only on the generics for 24 hours. we'll have to see if i can secure a larger supply of the brand name after that.
i do not want my testosterone to continue to increase, or to continue suffering any of the side effects that seem to be associated with the creeping testosterone levels. i will let you know at our next appointment if the increased dosage of cyproterone has ameliorated any of the side effects i was associating with it, and we'll have to see if it takes it back towards 0, where it was before.
i do not want a male sex drive.
i do not want penile function, in any way at all.
i am not interested in sex, in any context.
i do not want to masturbate. at all.
i do not want muscle mass.
i do not want body hair.
i do not want testosterone. at all.
my doctor doesn't want to increase my dosage of cyproterone. so, i'm going to have to find a way to get around him.
i sent him this today, and we'll see what he tells me, but i'll order it from out of the country if he doesn't prescribe it, that's fine.
===
hi.
i feel it's my responsibility as a patient to let you know that i began doubling my dosage of cyproterone yesterday, and will be continuing to take 200 mg a day until my next bloodwork. i have enough supply to last me until the end of june and will find some other way to secure a sufficient amount of t-blockers if you won't prescribe it.
i was also able to find enough brand name estrogen to take me until the end of june, and was consequently only on the generics for 24 hours. we'll have to see if i can secure a larger supply of the brand name after that.
i do not want my testosterone to continue to increase, or to continue suffering any of the side effects that seem to be associated with the creeping testosterone levels. i will let you know at our next appointment if the increased dosage of cyproterone has ameliorated any of the side effects i was associating with it, and we'll have to see if it takes it back towards 0, where it was before.
i do not want a male sex drive.
i do not want penile function, in any way at all.
i am not interested in sex, in any context.
i do not want to masturbate. at all.
i do not want muscle mass.
i do not want body hair.
i do not want testosterone. at all.
if somebody is smoking a foot from your window and you ask them to stop and they refuse (because they're too shit-faced drink all of the time to form a cogent thought process), what do you do?
if you're going to tell me they have the right to smoke and i have the obligation to accept it, i'm going to disagree with you, and call you a moron.
i asked nicely, and they just swore at me and told me i use "big words". this woman was probably clinically retarded, from however many years of heavy alcoholism, and who knows what else. she could not be reasoned with. and i did try.
so, what do you do?
i'm an activist, and i resorted to direct action; what i did was what i could in that legal grey area between protest and technical illegality, and i was in the right to do it, and she was in the wrong to resist it.
i would have been happy to fight this in court, and i would have won.
if you're going to tell me they have the right to smoke and i have the obligation to accept it, i'm going to disagree with you, and call you a moron.
i asked nicely, and they just swore at me and told me i use "big words". this woman was probably clinically retarded, from however many years of heavy alcoholism, and who knows what else. she could not be reasoned with. and i did try.
so, what do you do?
i'm an activist, and i resorted to direct action; what i did was what i could in that legal grey area between protest and technical illegality, and i was in the right to do it, and she was in the wrong to resist it.
i would have been happy to fight this in court, and i would have won.
and, if you're curious, the "medical" marijuana user that i called the police on to get a report to take to the landlord & tenant board was very white. i'd guess she was polish, or otherwise of eastern european extraction.
she looked a lot like andrea horwath, during one of her between-elections fat phases:
the woman that called the police on me for "harassing" her when she ignored me when i asked her to smoke away from my window, however, was black. i was blaring loud music out my window whenever she sat outside (it was merzbow.) and otherwise making her smoking experience uncomfortable as a disincentive for her to smoke there, so she called me in for bothering her. i don't think i had an obligation to sit there and breathe in her filth, and am not sorry for making her life unpleasant, as she was polluting my living space and refused to adjust to requests not to.
when the cops arrived, i argued that my behaviour was justified by her insistence on smoking near my window and told them point blank that i was trying to chase her off, and i wasn't going to stop. i was willing to take the fight to court; if she didn't like what i was doing, she should smoke somewhere else. i also suggested that they file charges against her for causing a nuisance, which is defined in canadian law as follows:
Common nuisance
180 (1) Every person is guilty of an indictable offence and liable to imprisonment for a term of not more than two years or is guilty of an offence punishable on summary conviction who commits a common nuisance and by doing so
(a) endangers the lives, safety or health of the public, or
(b) causes physical injury to any person.
(2) For the purposes of this section, every one commits a common nuisance who does an unlawful act or fails to discharge a legal duty and thereby
(a) endangers the lives, safety, health, property or comfort of the public; or
(b) obstructs the public in the exercise or enjoyment of any right that is common to all the subjects of Her Majesty in Canada.
i don't know who, in 2020, can argue with a straight face that second-hand smoke is not endangering the health of the public. however, i was unable to convince any of the officers to file charges against her.
as she continued to smoke in a way that bothered me, i did threaten to take the issue directly to the justice of the peace if she didn't smoke somewhere else, but this was after she called the cops on me for trying to chase her off with the merzbow. in the end, my threats do seem to have been effective in coercing her to smoke elsewhere. for the last several weeks of my tenancy in the unit, she smoked in the front of the house, away from my window.
so, i did a lot of things to piss this woman off, and i also attempted to get bylaw involved under anti-smoking regulations, but i did not call the police to deal with the smoke complaint, as i realized they had no actionable cause without clear evidence of intentional harm. and, i had actually decided to bypass the cops (who are useless.) and go directly to the judge. but, i didn't have to, in the end - she realized what she was doing was wrong and modified her behaviour. eventually...
it should not have taken weeks of yelling and screaming to get her to react responsibly, but she did the right thing in the end.
however, if i thought they could have done something, if there was a law around second-hand smoke in residential areas that they could actually enforce, then i might have called them, sure.
my preference was direct action against the smoker, and that's what i did, and, in the end, it did work. she called them on me, not the other way around.
and, while the issue is not cited in the harassment charge against me that was eventually dropped (i was charged with repeatedly applying for housing. i kept applying because i claimed the property owner was discriminating against me. the property owner, who is rich and powerful and therefore a friend of the police, essentially argued that my claims of discrimination were harassment. because she was upper class, she got the cops to go for that very stupid argument, which was instantly laughed at by the court, and eventually retracted by the prosecutor. conversely, my much stronger legal argument for criminal nuisance around secondhand smoke was not accepted by the police, because i'm poor. do you see how class is important, here?), it is clear enough that it had a lot to do with the illegal arrest that eventually happened, as it was the same officers involved. and, i have in fact cited the officer's behaviour, in context, as reasoning for my request that he be charged with harassment, for repeatedly coming to my house and bothering me.
just in case that's unclear.
she looked a lot like andrea horwath, during one of her between-elections fat phases:
the woman that called the police on me for "harassing" her when she ignored me when i asked her to smoke away from my window, however, was black. i was blaring loud music out my window whenever she sat outside (it was merzbow.) and otherwise making her smoking experience uncomfortable as a disincentive for her to smoke there, so she called me in for bothering her. i don't think i had an obligation to sit there and breathe in her filth, and am not sorry for making her life unpleasant, as she was polluting my living space and refused to adjust to requests not to.
when the cops arrived, i argued that my behaviour was justified by her insistence on smoking near my window and told them point blank that i was trying to chase her off, and i wasn't going to stop. i was willing to take the fight to court; if she didn't like what i was doing, she should smoke somewhere else. i also suggested that they file charges against her for causing a nuisance, which is defined in canadian law as follows:
Common nuisance
180 (1) Every person is guilty of an indictable offence and liable to imprisonment for a term of not more than two years or is guilty of an offence punishable on summary conviction who commits a common nuisance and by doing so
(a) endangers the lives, safety or health of the public, or
(b) causes physical injury to any person.
(2) For the purposes of this section, every one commits a common nuisance who does an unlawful act or fails to discharge a legal duty and thereby
(a) endangers the lives, safety, health, property or comfort of the public; or
(b) obstructs the public in the exercise or enjoyment of any right that is common to all the subjects of Her Majesty in Canada.
i don't know who, in 2020, can argue with a straight face that second-hand smoke is not endangering the health of the public. however, i was unable to convince any of the officers to file charges against her.
as she continued to smoke in a way that bothered me, i did threaten to take the issue directly to the justice of the peace if she didn't smoke somewhere else, but this was after she called the cops on me for trying to chase her off with the merzbow. in the end, my threats do seem to have been effective in coercing her to smoke elsewhere. for the last several weeks of my tenancy in the unit, she smoked in the front of the house, away from my window.
so, i did a lot of things to piss this woman off, and i also attempted to get bylaw involved under anti-smoking regulations, but i did not call the police to deal with the smoke complaint, as i realized they had no actionable cause without clear evidence of intentional harm. and, i had actually decided to bypass the cops (who are useless.) and go directly to the judge. but, i didn't have to, in the end - she realized what she was doing was wrong and modified her behaviour. eventually...
it should not have taken weeks of yelling and screaming to get her to react responsibly, but she did the right thing in the end.
however, if i thought they could have done something, if there was a law around second-hand smoke in residential areas that they could actually enforce, then i might have called them, sure.
my preference was direct action against the smoker, and that's what i did, and, in the end, it did work. she called them on me, not the other way around.
and, while the issue is not cited in the harassment charge against me that was eventually dropped (i was charged with repeatedly applying for housing. i kept applying because i claimed the property owner was discriminating against me. the property owner, who is rich and powerful and therefore a friend of the police, essentially argued that my claims of discrimination were harassment. because she was upper class, she got the cops to go for that very stupid argument, which was instantly laughed at by the court, and eventually retracted by the prosecutor. conversely, my much stronger legal argument for criminal nuisance around secondhand smoke was not accepted by the police, because i'm poor. do you see how class is important, here?), it is clear enough that it had a lot to do with the illegal arrest that eventually happened, as it was the same officers involved. and, i have in fact cited the officer's behaviour, in context, as reasoning for my request that he be charged with harassment, for repeatedly coming to my house and bothering me.
just in case that's unclear.
i haven't killed any cops yet. but, i've dealt with this twice, and i need to plead with people.
stop calling the fucking cops on people that you love. it's beyond fucking stupid.
when i first went back on hormones in 2009, i just bought a bunch of hormones from india. when my dad found out, he had a fit because he was concerned i might accidentally buy something like fentanyl (a concern tied into experiences with his own recreational drug use in the 70s). in a technical sense, he was sort of right - i wasn't testing the drugs. i didn't really know that the pills that said 'estrace' on them and that came in the estrace package were really estrace; they could have been heroin. but, i told him he was being paranoid.
he called the cops to try to convince me to go to a doctor. they treated it like a drug investigation, showed up at my front door, violently cuffed me and physically forced me to go to a hospital. when i got to a doctor, he was shocked. i told him that the cops had no right to do what they did, and he completely agreed with me. he did suggest i call a gp about the hormones. but, it was a thirty second doctor's appointment.
at the time, dr. barwin had a virtual monopoly on trans patients in ottawa. i did call him. i believe he's in jail now on a fraud conviction, due to mixing up sperm donations.
the second time, my mother called the cops on me for posting the following article to facebook:
https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/julian-baggini-suicide-can-be-a-rational-choice-1912358.html
the article is an argument in favour of assisted suicide which, as it happens to be, is actually legal in canada, now, after a series of court rulings
my mother - who is a heroin addict and an alcoholic and was probably shit-faced drunk at the time - called the windsor coast unit because she was concerned i was suicidal due to posting that link. which is ridiculous...
when questioned, my mother denied making the call, but i knew it was her (because she was the only person in my friends list with my address), so i deleted her from facebook for it. it otherwise seemed rather benign at first - until it showed up in the disclosure for the illegal arrest that i'm currently fighting, as justification for holding me.
unless you are rich and powerful, the police are not your friends. the police are a relatively recent human invention that was created and continues to exist for the sole and precise purpose of controlling working people. they are there to protect the rich from the poor; that is what the police were invented to do, it's what they're trained to do and it's what they actually do.
don't send them after your loved ones, under the idea that they'll help. they won't; they're not supposed to, and you're wrong to think otherwise.
so, i don't know what happened here, but i know that when my parents (on separate occasions) called the police on me, it left me feeling violated and angry. the second time, i had marijuana on the premises, before it was legal. her reaction may have been foolish, but was perhaps not irrational - i may have liked to go after the ones that showed up at my door with a knife, too, even if i knew better, and didn't.
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/new-brunswick/edmundston-police-shooting-fatal-1.5597994
stop calling the fucking cops on people that you love. it's beyond fucking stupid.
when i first went back on hormones in 2009, i just bought a bunch of hormones from india. when my dad found out, he had a fit because he was concerned i might accidentally buy something like fentanyl (a concern tied into experiences with his own recreational drug use in the 70s). in a technical sense, he was sort of right - i wasn't testing the drugs. i didn't really know that the pills that said 'estrace' on them and that came in the estrace package were really estrace; they could have been heroin. but, i told him he was being paranoid.
he called the cops to try to convince me to go to a doctor. they treated it like a drug investigation, showed up at my front door, violently cuffed me and physically forced me to go to a hospital. when i got to a doctor, he was shocked. i told him that the cops had no right to do what they did, and he completely agreed with me. he did suggest i call a gp about the hormones. but, it was a thirty second doctor's appointment.
at the time, dr. barwin had a virtual monopoly on trans patients in ottawa. i did call him. i believe he's in jail now on a fraud conviction, due to mixing up sperm donations.
the second time, my mother called the cops on me for posting the following article to facebook:
https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/commentators/julian-baggini-suicide-can-be-a-rational-choice-1912358.html
the article is an argument in favour of assisted suicide which, as it happens to be, is actually legal in canada, now, after a series of court rulings
my mother - who is a heroin addict and an alcoholic and was probably shit-faced drunk at the time - called the windsor coast unit because she was concerned i was suicidal due to posting that link. which is ridiculous...
when questioned, my mother denied making the call, but i knew it was her (because she was the only person in my friends list with my address), so i deleted her from facebook for it. it otherwise seemed rather benign at first - until it showed up in the disclosure for the illegal arrest that i'm currently fighting, as justification for holding me.
unless you are rich and powerful, the police are not your friends. the police are a relatively recent human invention that was created and continues to exist for the sole and precise purpose of controlling working people. they are there to protect the rich from the poor; that is what the police were invented to do, it's what they're trained to do and it's what they actually do.
don't send them after your loved ones, under the idea that they'll help. they won't; they're not supposed to, and you're wrong to think otherwise.
so, i don't know what happened here, but i know that when my parents (on separate occasions) called the police on me, it left me feeling violated and angry. the second time, i had marijuana on the premises, before it was legal. her reaction may have been foolish, but was perhaps not irrational - i may have liked to go after the ones that showed up at my door with a knife, too, even if i knew better, and didn't.
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/new-brunswick/edmundston-police-shooting-fatal-1.5597994
Thursday, June 4, 2020
i'm still hoping this is temporary, as i don't understand what's happened to the existing site. it seems to continue to exist, but i can't log into it. so, is it frozen? disabled? i've received no communication from them at all...
did i get hacked?
in the mean time, i've set up a new site. this is a sort of a test. i suppose that if the site ends up frozen like the other one, i'll know that noise trade has frozen it. but, if it doesn't, i'm going to start to wonder if i got hacked.
there are fake deathtokoalas out there, and some of them seem to be unhealthily obsessed about it.
http://books.noisetrade.com/jj/072013-012014-travel-blog
did i get hacked?
in the mean time, i've set up a new site. this is a sort of a test. i suppose that if the site ends up frozen like the other one, i'll know that noise trade has frozen it. but, if it doesn't, i'm going to start to wonder if i got hacked.
there are fake deathtokoalas out there, and some of them seem to be unhealthily obsessed about it.
http://books.noisetrade.com/jj/072013-012014-travel-blog
my noise trade site has kind of evaporated, and i don't know what's going on with it. i've sent an email to the site requesting some further clarification as to why i can't log in and why the files are unavailable.
in the mean time, i've put the files up at a google drive share.
this is temporary, but i don't want the files to be unavailable while i figure out if i'm being censored, or if there's some kind of systems glitch.
i wasn't on noise trade very long before they got bought by paste, but i'm not a fan of paste, and don't particularly like the fact that they're hosting the files on amazon. so, it's not exactly my preferred hosting solution. the question is whether there's anything better out there or not.
i'm not going to whine and bitch and fight with the server mods, i'll just post somewhere else, and encourage people to follow me there. it's just that they haven't communicated with me in any way at all, so i don't actually know what's even going on.
for now, the files are here. enjoy.
and, buy something at bandcamp if you want to throw me some cash.
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1vEisI6NCO3jPMOwOVwEEauwkdERXmM-A?usp=sharing
in the mean time, i've put the files up at a google drive share.
this is temporary, but i don't want the files to be unavailable while i figure out if i'm being censored, or if there's some kind of systems glitch.
i wasn't on noise trade very long before they got bought by paste, but i'm not a fan of paste, and don't particularly like the fact that they're hosting the files on amazon. so, it's not exactly my preferred hosting solution. the question is whether there's anything better out there or not.
i'm not going to whine and bitch and fight with the server mods, i'll just post somewhere else, and encourage people to follow me there. it's just that they haven't communicated with me in any way at all, so i don't actually know what's even going on.
for now, the files are here. enjoy.
and, buy something at bandcamp if you want to throw me some cash.
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1vEisI6NCO3jPMOwOVwEEauwkdERXmM-A?usp=sharing
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
i found 30 tablets at the furthest store in the exact opposite end of town.
it's a week's worth...
so, i'm going for a very long bike ride in the morning :)
it'll be good for me - some exercise. i'm overdue.
what's next, though? well, i've literally called every store in town. that was the last one in the list. so, what's next is that i'm going to need to keep calling around and see what i can find. i've at least ruled out a lot of places.
i guess i can start calling places that are a little further out. and, if i can find another week or two's worth somewhere, maybe i can get out to detroit near the end of the month.
it's a good excuse for a bike ride in the heat, and i'll take it for that alone.
it's a week's worth...
so, i'm going for a very long bike ride in the morning :)
it'll be good for me - some exercise. i'm overdue.
what's next, though? well, i've literally called every store in town. that was the last one in the list. so, what's next is that i'm going to need to keep calling around and see what i can find. i've at least ruled out a lot of places.
i guess i can start calling places that are a little further out. and, if i can find another week or two's worth somewhere, maybe i can get out to detroit near the end of the month.
it's a good excuse for a bike ride in the heat, and i'll take it for that alone.
oddly, the brand name estrogen has largely been removed from most online websites - they're only selling the generics. and, the few that are willing to sell the brand name are doing so at what seems like very high prices, but that might be more of a consequence of the low canadian dollar.
i wish i could just go over to detroit, but the border is closed until at least mid june.
i wish i could just go over to detroit, but the border is closed until at least mid june.
well, i contacted somebody at the company that resells this in canada, which is called acerus, and they explained that the supply issue is actually in europe. he doesn't think it's virus-related, because the issue precedes it. but he has no date of re-availability...
i don't know how seriously to take the response, but what he told me suggests that there's a relatively high demand for the product and he realizes that there's a lot of people looking for it. he's apparently getting a lot of calls about it.
there's some chance, i guess, that the company in europe is ultimately sourcing it from china, who of course had the virus earlier. the issue seems to have started around january or so, apparently. but, if that's the case, it's not clear. what's clear is that the supplier does not know when it's going to be available again.
what i want is to get around the hemi-hydrate, so i don't have to buy this specific brand of the drug, but it appears to be the only supplier in this province, so i might have to order it from out of province, or maybe from a different country, which i'm willing to do.
let's call some local pharmacies and see what's out there.
but, i'm ready to order.
i don't know how seriously to take the response, but what he told me suggests that there's a relatively high demand for the product and he realizes that there's a lot of people looking for it. he's apparently getting a lot of calls about it.
there's some chance, i guess, that the company in europe is ultimately sourcing it from china, who of course had the virus earlier. the issue seems to have started around january or so, apparently. but, if that's the case, it's not clear. what's clear is that the supplier does not know when it's going to be available again.
what i want is to get around the hemi-hydrate, so i don't have to buy this specific brand of the drug, but it appears to be the only supplier in this province, so i might have to order it from out of province, or maybe from a different country, which i'm willing to do.
let's call some local pharmacies and see what's out there.
but, i'm ready to order.
it's a known issue with a lot of drugs.
and, it makes you wonder why they even manufacture it at all. what's the point?
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2211383515001069
and, it makes you wonder why they even manufacture it at all. what's the point?
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2211383515001069
no. i'm weirded out about this. i'm taking the first pill and it's not dissolving, which is what the literature says - this formulation isn't water soluble. so, you can't absorb it through your digestive tract.....
but, i'm super sketchy about fucking with my existing estrone levels. like, i've been taking this every day for 11 years. what happens if i just stop? i don't want to know.
i'm going to double dose for today - i'm going to take it orally and sublingually. and, i'm going to call around and figure out what's going on.
i'm going to actually call the manufacturer directly, first, and see what they say..
but, i'm super sketchy about fucking with my existing estrone levels. like, i've been taking this every day for 11 years. what happens if i just stop? i don't want to know.
i'm going to double dose for today - i'm going to take it orally and sublingually. and, i'm going to call around and figure out what's going on.
i'm going to actually call the manufacturer directly, first, and see what they say..
so, i got the fax out.
i couldn't find any brand name 2 mg estrace yesterday, although i had to get to the appointment, as well. so, i got some generics. i'm about to try the first dose right now.
the issue with the generics is that it's bound to a different delivery agent that doesn't make it through your stomach acids, so you basically have to take it under your tongue or it's useless. sublingual administration results in higher spikes but lower plateaus. so, i might be a little bit moody for a while, until i get back on the brand name drugs.
i may notice a slight increase in feminization, but it will likely be at the expense of my mental health. i don't need or even want giant breasts; i have an athletic body type that is more slim and lean than curvy. i find curvy women to just look fat and gross; i'd rather look like a swimmer than a porn star. sorry.
but, this is what i have for at least the next week whether i like it or not, so i'm doing this experiment against my will (and definitely against my better judgement). i've got bloodwork papers for when i want to test, which i'll do before i switch back.
my estrogen levels were at 396 pmol/L when i tested on the 20th of may, which is about 110 pg/ml. the oral administration route plateaus, so this is all around a little bit low. based on what i'm feeling, i suspect that this is a little low because it's being counteracted by creeping testosterone levels, and it's the latter issue that i feel is a more pressing concern that i want to correct.
at the end of the day, i'd rather have zero testosterone and zero estrogen than ignore the creeping testosterone, or try to overpower it with estrogen. at this stage of my life, emasculation is actually more important to me than feminization - i want my testosterone annihilated more than i want my estrogen boosted.
but, we'll see where the sublingual experiment takes me. here i go...
in the mean time, i'm going to call around and see what i can find.
i couldn't find any brand name 2 mg estrace yesterday, although i had to get to the appointment, as well. so, i got some generics. i'm about to try the first dose right now.
the issue with the generics is that it's bound to a different delivery agent that doesn't make it through your stomach acids, so you basically have to take it under your tongue or it's useless. sublingual administration results in higher spikes but lower plateaus. so, i might be a little bit moody for a while, until i get back on the brand name drugs.
i may notice a slight increase in feminization, but it will likely be at the expense of my mental health. i don't need or even want giant breasts; i have an athletic body type that is more slim and lean than curvy. i find curvy women to just look fat and gross; i'd rather look like a swimmer than a porn star. sorry.
but, this is what i have for at least the next week whether i like it or not, so i'm doing this experiment against my will (and definitely against my better judgement). i've got bloodwork papers for when i want to test, which i'll do before i switch back.
my estrogen levels were at 396 pmol/L when i tested on the 20th of may, which is about 110 pg/ml. the oral administration route plateaus, so this is all around a little bit low. based on what i'm feeling, i suspect that this is a little low because it's being counteracted by creeping testosterone levels, and it's the latter issue that i feel is a more pressing concern that i want to correct.
at the end of the day, i'd rather have zero testosterone and zero estrogen than ignore the creeping testosterone, or try to overpower it with estrogen. at this stage of my life, emasculation is actually more important to me than feminization - i want my testosterone annihilated more than i want my estrogen boosted.
but, we'll see where the sublingual experiment takes me. here i go...
in the mean time, i'm going to call around and see what i can find.
i will fax this to the doctor in the morning.
========
hi.
========
hi.
so, the short of this is that i'm requesting a reversal of the switch to spiro that we did yesterday and an increase in cyproterone to 200 mg/day, instead. while i tentatively consented, i didn't expect the order to come in so quickly, and didn't have time to do any kind of research of my own before i picked it up yesterday. after reviewing some research, i've decided that the switch to spiro would not be consistent with my transition goals, at this time. further, i would like to reiterate that i really should be looking at an orchiectomy, and not an increase in cyproterone, but my testosterone levels have been doubling yearly since they were at 0.1 (from 0.1 to 0.2 to 0.4 to 0.8), so it is past time to increase my dosage. i would appreciate it if you could send that request to the shopper's at university mall and contact me to let me know about it.
the long of it is...
the long of it is...
i first came in and asked to get my testicles out in 2017, when my t-levels were still almost zero. however, i was noticing an unwanted increase in male libido (no reason boners) that, after so many years of absolutely no male sexual activity, came in as exceedingly unwanted. i'd been on t-blockers for eight years at that point and had experienced almost no male libido for essentially that entire period. i had entirely stopped masturbating, even - i just had no penis at all, sexually speaking. so, after many years without it, i had absolutely no interest in a return of a male libido at all and wanted to stop it from happening before it started. after looking into it, i decided the orchiectomy was a better option than an increase in t-blockers, due to concerns about liver functions with high levels of cyproterone. while that seemed a long ways off, i decided that fighting an arms race with my testicles was pointless and it was time to go to the next step, instead.
within a few months, i saw a specialist in windsor, who denied my request for an orchiectomy. he was not explicit about it, but it seemed to be a rejection on religious grounds. while i found this deeply disappointing, the reality is that my t-levels were still so low as to be almost undetectable. further, i found myself in a fight with my landlord over the space of 2017 that was mostly about second hand smoke and made it impossible to put aside money for things like trips to toronto. i ended up moving at the end of 2017, and came back for my yearly in 2018.
i was in an even bigger fight with my new landlord, at that time. i was told the building was moving to nonsmoking, but i ended up directly on top of a 10 g/day "medical" marijuana user, in an old building with no flooring. i was experiencing frequent contact highs and a general level of unpleasantness that i associated with the second-hand marijuana smoke. but, i was also experiencing a range of symptoms that included random bouts of anger, frustration and anxiety - what are, in hindsight, "male emotions" that could be associated with an increase in testosterone. i also found myself sleeping more and having difficulty concentrating and focusing on day-to-day tasks. on a hunch, i had myself tested for meth, thinking maybe i was inhaling fumes from downstairs, and that came back negative. however, i tested positive for thc, apparently from the neighbour's habit - a reflection of the sheer bulk of smoke coming into my apartment. i did not, in the end, get tested for increased cortisol levels from the marijuana smoke (something that is a well understood consequence of marijuana use), but i was tested for heavy metal poisoning, which also came back negative. when my t-levels came back at .2, it didn't click that that was twice as much as .1 - it was still so low that it could just be error. however, given that my living situation was so unstable, i requested that we put off the issue for another year, until i could figure out what was going on. empirically speaking, .2 is still very low; i realize that. but, it seemed to be moving in the wrong direction.
over 2018, i also started to notice that my skin was getting rougher, that my facial hair was getting thicker and that my hair was knotting up more easily. i actually initially assigned most of this to the second-hand marijuana smoke, but when it didn't get better i became more suspicious. my male libido was also incrementally, if slowly, continuing to return, which remained deeply unwanted.
when i came back for my yearly tests in 2019, my living situation had stabilized enough that i was willing to look at booking an appointment in toronto for the orchiectomy, so we went through the process. we also increased my estrogen a second time from 6 mg/day to 8 mg/day, after noticing it was a little low. we also noticed that my testosterone had increased again to 0.4, which was still low, but twice as much. i still decided it was better to have a surgical than a chemical solution at this point, so i waited on the dose increase. but, i've been experiencing many of the same symptoms over the last year, and it's really just been getting worse and worse, even as the increase in estrogen has led to renewed breast growth, which had stopped for a while. are the creeping t-levels adversely affecting the estrogen levels?
when i came back in 2020, my t-levels had skyrocketed to 0.8, which is confirming to me that all of these symptoms i've been having are a result of unwanted testosterone levels. more frustrating, my estrogen levels are still low, after having been doubled over the last few years. and, there has been no progress on the preferred surgical solution.
if we were to plot the curve of t-levels since 2017, we would realize they've been doubling every year since. so, should i expect them to be 1.6 this time next year? that would be a 16 fold increase in four years, and i will no doubt have a list of terrible symptoms to look forward to. while i understand that 1.6 is still low, it is these symptoms that i am tying to the creeping testosterone that i want to reverse. this is, after all, ultimately a quality of life issue, right?
while what i want is the surgery, it doesn't seem likely that this will be available in the next 12-24 months. so, we decided to make a treatment option to move to spiro.
my research into the topic indicates that if i want to get my t-levels back under .5 and pushing towards .1 - or even an absolute 0 - then spiro would be the wrong decision, as spiro is less effective at blocking testosterone than cyproterone. a recent study is here: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6612061/.
while spiro may have comparable feminizing effects overall, it would seem that a reasonable expectation of t-levels would be around 2.0, which would actually be an increase. as my goal is very specifically to reduce the side effects associated with creeping t-levels, this would appear to be counter-productive. i've seen no research anywhere that suggests that i should expect the spiro to take me to the t-levels i want, which i admit is perhaps lower than most transfemales experience or even want.
i am also concerned about what spiro may do to my heart health. i eat a very large number of bananas and an unusually low level of processed foods (so i don't get much salt), so i would be a bad candidate for a drug that increases potassium levels. i survive largely on fresh fruits and vegetables. i would expect that my potassium levels are already high, as it is, and that my sodium levels are probably a little low. i also have low blood pressure, as it is, from diet and exercise, so i probably shouldn't be taking drugs that are likely to decrease my blood pressure - it could lead to dangerous hypotension, which is what i need to actually be concerned about.
this study also suggests that spiro may reduce my hdl, while cyproterone may increase it:
i know that it's easy enough to look at my cholesterol levels and tell me i have nothing to worry about, but i need to dissent. my father died of a brain tumour in his mid-50s, but he had already had several heart attacks by the time he turned 40, which i will do in january. his youngest brother died of a heart attack in his early 30s, and his father died of a heart attack in his early 50s. my cholesterol levels are low due to great amounts of effort on my behalf to keep them low with diet and lifestyle, which seems to be working. my genetic risk factors are so frightening, that i am very adverse to doing anything at all that might increase them. if my cholesterol is so great, maybe the cyproterone & estrogen is actually helping, and maybe i should keep at it.
lastly, i'm also dealing with an unwanted change in my estrogen delivery systems over the upcoming months that i want to isolate for testing. if i switch from cyproterone to spiro and my estrogen comes way down, i won't know if it's the switch to generics or the switch to spiro that's at fault. i'm also looking at switching back to prometrium, soon. i want to do one thing at a time to ensure that i can properly isolate and understand the effects.
my concern with cyproterone and liver functions was less immediate and more long term. i fully understand that i can't win an arms race with my testicles, in the long run, and that i'm not supposed to be in this situation, in the first place. 11 years on t-blockers is bizarre. my testicles should have been removed ages ago, and i shouldn't be in this mess. however, cancer patients can take up to 300 mg/day of cyproterone before they begin to suffer adverse effects and there is apparently essentially no risk of actual overdose:
https://pdf.hres.ca/dpd_pm/00022190.PDF
this isn't the right answer in the end, and it didn't seem necessary before, but it does now and it's not all that scary for the short term.
this isn't the right answer in the end, and it didn't seem necessary before, but it does now and it's not all that scary for the short term.
so, for all of these reasons, i am proposing that we go to 200 mg of cyproterone instead of switching to the spiro.
however, what i really want is to get them out and, while i understand that elective surgeries are not available right now, i would request some urgency be attached to the matter, as much as is possible. i think i've laid out my case, here.
Tuesday, June 2, 2020
the reason i didn't ask for a dose increase last year was that i decided to get the orchiectomy, instead. so, i waited. and waited.
he didn't even fucking mail it.
i should have just asked for the dose increase; i'd probably have avoided the year's worth of difficulty focusing. and, i'm almost certain that's what i'm doing.
he didn't even fucking mail it.
i should have just asked for the dose increase; i'd probably have avoided the year's worth of difficulty focusing. and, i'm almost certain that's what i'm doing.
i had a doctor's appointment today after getting my blood taken a few weeks ago.
my vitals are, as usual, outstanding. but, the t-blockers are decreasing their effectiveness in an increasingly worrying direction, and i found out that he didn't even send the fucking letter to the surgeon, yet.
i noticed this intuitively, to start with, and i actually think it's at the root cause of the problems i'm having with drowsiness and focus. i was feeling anxious and angry and frustrated, and thought i was dealing with cortisol issues or even lead poisoning. but, then i realized my testosterone was going up.
it was at 0.1 four years ago, .2 two years ago, .4 last year and .8 this year. this is the wrong direction!
but, it's not surprising, either. i'm developing a tolerance to the cyproterone acetate, which is a well understood reality of it.
so, if i'm developing a tolerance to the drug, i can either increase the dosage or i can just cut my testicles out. i desperately want my testicles to be put through a fucking incinerator. i want them gone. forever. but, i can't get a doctor to do it.
it's covered. it's simple. it's fast. but, they won't do it.
i was concerned about increasing the cyproterone due to eventual strain on my liver.
so, the doctor suggested i switch to spironolactone instead, and i said "ok", and i even filled a prescription today, but i'm looking into it and i think this was a stupid suggestion.
to begin with, clinical studies seem to suggest that the spironolactone is less effective than the cyproterone acetate, at the dosages i've been prescribed - with the spiro only reducing levels to 2.0, and the cyproterone generally coming in around the 0.8 i'm currently at. so, if i'm trying to get my testosterone back down to .1, the spiro seems unlikely to do it. it's probably going to actually increase it, from what i can see.
second, the spiro seems to reduce hdl, whereas the cyproterone seems to increase it. the doctor is consistently amazed at my cholesterol levels. the cyproterone - which he doesn't usually prescribe - may have something to do with it.
worse, the spiro is often prescribed for heart conditions, which is something i'm not sure i want to fuck with. the cyproterone is simply a safer drug at high concentrations. so, if i'm concerned about complications from high concentrations, moving me to spiro is backwards.
i'm going to do some more research, but i'm leaning heavily towards tossing the spiro and asking him to just boost my cyproterone instead. i'm only taking 100, which is usually considered a maximum dose for trans patients, but appears to be substantively below levels where liver complications are a serious problem.
my vitals are, as usual, outstanding. but, the t-blockers are decreasing their effectiveness in an increasingly worrying direction, and i found out that he didn't even send the fucking letter to the surgeon, yet.
i noticed this intuitively, to start with, and i actually think it's at the root cause of the problems i'm having with drowsiness and focus. i was feeling anxious and angry and frustrated, and thought i was dealing with cortisol issues or even lead poisoning. but, then i realized my testosterone was going up.
it was at 0.1 four years ago, .2 two years ago, .4 last year and .8 this year. this is the wrong direction!
but, it's not surprising, either. i'm developing a tolerance to the cyproterone acetate, which is a well understood reality of it.
so, if i'm developing a tolerance to the drug, i can either increase the dosage or i can just cut my testicles out. i desperately want my testicles to be put through a fucking incinerator. i want them gone. forever. but, i can't get a doctor to do it.
it's covered. it's simple. it's fast. but, they won't do it.
i was concerned about increasing the cyproterone due to eventual strain on my liver.
so, the doctor suggested i switch to spironolactone instead, and i said "ok", and i even filled a prescription today, but i'm looking into it and i think this was a stupid suggestion.
to begin with, clinical studies seem to suggest that the spironolactone is less effective than the cyproterone acetate, at the dosages i've been prescribed - with the spiro only reducing levels to 2.0, and the cyproterone generally coming in around the 0.8 i'm currently at. so, if i'm trying to get my testosterone back down to .1, the spiro seems unlikely to do it. it's probably going to actually increase it, from what i can see.
second, the spiro seems to reduce hdl, whereas the cyproterone seems to increase it. the doctor is consistently amazed at my cholesterol levels. the cyproterone - which he doesn't usually prescribe - may have something to do with it.
worse, the spiro is often prescribed for heart conditions, which is something i'm not sure i want to fuck with. the cyproterone is simply a safer drug at high concentrations. so, if i'm concerned about complications from high concentrations, moving me to spiro is backwards.
i'm going to do some more research, but i'm leaning heavily towards tossing the spiro and asking him to just boost my cyproterone instead. i'm only taking 100, which is usually considered a maximum dose for trans patients, but appears to be substantively below levels where liver complications are a serious problem.
this is the end of this for a while, as i pivot back into period three.
but, here is the complete readable archive of this blog for the first reconstruction phase, from july, 2013 to january, 2014.
the second reconstruction phase ran from february 1, 2014 to the end of june, 2015, when i looped back around to remaster the inri material from source. while the politics and music journal sites are largely reconstructed over this period, i do not intend to get back to rebuilding the travel or dtk blogs in any systematic matter or doing music journal releases until (1) i am in a comfortable flow with the alter-reality and (2) i am finished with period three, which ran roughly from the time i got back from bc in 2003 to the time i moved into the apartment on bronson in 2007. journal releases for the foreseeable future are going to be dated from 1988 or 1989 forwards.
so, that's what's coming up.
but, i need to get through another 11 liner note releases, and update at least inri022, probably others. the coming re-releases are inri031-inri034, inri036-inri041 and inri045.
http://books.noisetrade.com/j/072013-012014-travel-blog
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1026660
https://www.lulu.com/en/ca/shop/jessica-murray/full-first-reconstruction-phase-travel-blog/ebook/product-nm4jeq.html
https://drive.google.com/file/d/13M7Vvz2hLiuGdywPL2oNRgUY3nmn26E6/view
but, here is the complete readable archive of this blog for the first reconstruction phase, from july, 2013 to january, 2014.
the second reconstruction phase ran from february 1, 2014 to the end of june, 2015, when i looped back around to remaster the inri material from source. while the politics and music journal sites are largely reconstructed over this period, i do not intend to get back to rebuilding the travel or dtk blogs in any systematic matter or doing music journal releases until (1) i am in a comfortable flow with the alter-reality and (2) i am finished with period three, which ran roughly from the time i got back from bc in 2003 to the time i moved into the apartment on bronson in 2007. journal releases for the foreseeable future are going to be dated from 1988 or 1989 forwards.
so, that's what's coming up.
but, i need to get through another 11 liner note releases, and update at least inri022, probably others. the coming re-releases are inri031-inri034, inri036-inri041 and inri045.
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1026660
https://www.lulu.com/en/ca/shop/jessica-murray/full-first-reconstruction-phase-travel-blog/ebook/product-nm4jeq.html
https://drive.google.com/file/d/13M7Vvz2hLiuGdywPL2oNRgUY3nmn26E6/view
it's been years since we've had a nice, hot summer in this area of the world.
and i'm going to have to spend it sitting inside fighting with the fucking a/c :(.
with the return of the sun, let's hope the oscillations flip and it's even more humid next year. i want it to hit 20 degrees on april 1st and stay above it nonstop until nov 1st, even overnight.
it seems like i'm just going to have to postpone my 40th birthday until next year, i guess.
https://www.theweathernetwork.com/ca/news/article/canada-2020-summer-forecast
and i'm going to have to spend it sitting inside fighting with the fucking a/c :(.
with the return of the sun, let's hope the oscillations flip and it's even more humid next year. i want it to hit 20 degrees on april 1st and stay above it nonstop until nov 1st, even overnight.
it seems like i'm just going to have to postpone my 40th birthday until next year, i guess.
https://www.theweathernetwork.com/ca/news/article/canada-2020-summer-forecast
Monday, June 1, 2020
here, finally, is the link to the readable version of the january, 2014 archive of this blog.
http://books.noisetrade.com/j/012014-travel-blog
unfortunately, noise trade did not work out as a hosting solution, and i never got a clear answer as to why. but, i decided in the end that the site was full of ads and unworkable, anyways.
the readable version of the january 2014 archive for this blog is now available as a standalone in the music journal package at bandcamp:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/01-2014-music-journal
...or as a component in the full first reconstruction phase archive, available in the following places:
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1026660
https://www.lulu.com/en/ca/shop/jessica-murray/full-first-reconstruction-phase-travel-blog/ebook/product-nm4jeq.html
https://drive.google.com/file/d/13M7Vvz2hLiuGdywPL2oNRgUY3nmn26E6/view
unfortunately, noise trade did not work out as a hosting solution, and i never got a clear answer as to why. but, i decided in the end that the site was full of ads and unworkable, anyways.
the readable version of the january 2014 archive for this blog is now available as a standalone in the music journal package at bandcamp:
https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/01-2014-music-journal
...or as a component in the full first reconstruction phase archive, available in the following places:
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1026660
https://www.lulu.com/en/ca/shop/jessica-murray/full-first-reconstruction-phase-travel-blog/ebook/product-nm4jeq.html
https://drive.google.com/file/d/13M7Vvz2hLiuGdywPL2oNRgUY3nmn26E6/view
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