i'm also glad the days are getting longer, again.

i think i'm pretty much used to that hour difference, now. it's from moving from one end of the same time zone to the other end. i'm used to the sun being up by 6:30 pretty much the entire year - and becoming visible not longer after 4:00 during the summer. here, it's quite often not up until well after 7:00. even at the peak of the summer, you're pushing 6:00, which kind of makes it feel like spring the whole year. i made it home in the dark from a compost-drop at 7:45 the other day.

the flip of that is that the sun is still up at 5:30 for pretty much the whole year. which has got me feeling like fall never ended, because i never got the cue of night time at 4:00 on a cloudy day.

i've actually tried switching to central time to recapture the difference, but i just found myself constantly converting in my head. it was just reminding me of it, rather than helping me forget it.

so, i think i'm used to it. but i'd still be nice to get the sun up a bit earlier...

you know, i was going to say something about how people have to go to work in the dark here.

but i guess it's also true that people have to go home in the dark in ottawa. i can remember getting off work in the dark quite frequently.

i think it's kind of better to get off work in the dark, because it just plunges you directly into the night, which is where you want to be when you're working during the day, anyways. but that's just a perception.

i think the more valid reflection is that you're stuck with one way or the other up to a relatively high longitude.

you know, it's true - cats really are always plotting to eat us. like, that cat that's been following me around..

see, i always knew that the cat was really stalking me as a possible prey item, but i was trying to rationalize ways around that obvious deduction, because it's not something you really want to come to terms with. that cat is following me around because it would like to eat me. how pleasant.

i think if it was a really serious concern to me, i'd of course react differently. but it's a cute, black and white furry cat with a bit of a swagger in it's steps. it doesn't really strike me as ominous, even if i know what it's really thinking.

when it comes down to it, though, do i really want to get into a fight with a cat? they seem cute and harmless. but, they're very agile and absolutely capable of catching you by surprise. we have a weak spot - our necks. and, cats are entirely aware of that weak spot. it doesn't take much to take you out through your neck. a smart cat would be able to exploit this.

you think past it, though. it's just a cute cat.

a cute cat that sees you as a possible prey item, if it can just get the right opportunity.

ok, i got the things done i wanted done this morning, meaning i now have a straight week with nothing else on my mind. i just need to get something to eat....

i need to point out that this page is going to change soon. i'm going to be moving the "journal" component off, restricting this to a strict musical timeline that is basically going to be little more than the rss feed from bandcamp...

i think it's probably beneficial. i mean, i'm keeping a journal because *i* want to keep a journal. you may be more interested in just knowing when the music comes up. which is what the rss feed is for. but it's also what a lot of people do with their facebook pages, and what i'm defaulting to.

that being said, i will post the link to the journal when i set it up.

it'll either be at tumblr or blogspot, depending on which gives me more of the options i want to integrate into my appspot site, which is where everything is moving.

there's just a lot of things about facebook i don't like. the spying is kind of a minor inconvenience. i'm more irritated by the lack of control.

it'll be a while, because i'm transferring my main profile first, but it's coming.

actually, i'm feeling a little tired right now from a lot of walking and just want to kind of curl up. i'll be back at this when i wake up.

so, i got my extension pretty easily. i didn't even have to ask for it. suggesting somebody's reading this....

hey, it's alright. it's evidence in my favour, right?

so, i have until april, now. camh is on the 12th of january. that gives me plenty of time to work something out in a less dramatic fashion and pushes possible appeals forward until july. that's actually enough time that i might get the discography done, at which point plans begin to shift.

i'm hoping i can get at least two more years on odsp, which should hopefully give me enough time to (1) complete the discography and (2) get a good chunk of the reading i want to do before i go back to school done. if i can get five years, it should transition me just about perfectly into a master's program somewhere. possibly in kitchener or london. there's reasons i moved to windsor, but the local place of higher education is not one of them. i stayed at carleton for a really long time because i was tied to the city and it was really a better option than ottawa for the things i was studying (and also because i liked the campus). but i think that going to a lower ranked school actually stifled me a little in terms of dealing with less than brilliant profs and slightly tedious curricula. if i'm going back to school, i'm going to go to a good one.

the flip side of that is that i really, really like where i'm staying. i wouldn't move unless i was pretty serious about it. and i'm projecting that forwards, but it's hard to predict where my head is going to be in 5 years.

and, if i can get permanent, i can basically just work out my ideas without the necessity of having to deal with the education system at all. i think there's something to be said for being the eccentric oddball that escapes peer review by publishing papers to appspot.

but, one thing at a time: i got my extension. so i can relax for the holidays and start scheming in january.

i've been playing with levels all night. and there's a nasty memory leak in my drum plugin causing me to stop and start. it's probably the last time i'm using it.

i've got a phone call to make at 8:30 and i think this should be done by then. and i think the final mix should be done by the time i leave for camh tomorrow, if i have to leave for camh tomorrow.

i was thinking i'd probably move some of the vst stuff over, but it's not going to be much, if it's anything at all.

well, i'm not particularly convinced that collusion is not taking place, but i got the refill....

when i got there, he told me it wasn't in yet. so i yelled and screamed for a few minutes, providing the ultimatum to provide me a refund or get on the phone and call around to get it in right away. the owner just coincidentally happened to be in the back, and she took care of it - the refill was there in about twenty minutes. that's how you have to deal with shit like that...

the excuse they gave me was they thought they gave me seven days (but i take them twice daily, so they gave me 3.5). it's a bad excuse, either way, because they told me it would be in by monday....

so, i dunno. all the information to conclude incompetence is there, but it's not really sitting right with me. for the immediate moment, it's sort of irrelevant.

i'm starting to think there's a conspiracy amongst the medical establishment in this town.

i went on saturday to fill my last refill on the emergency estrace prescription. they had 7 pills they could give me, and told me to come back on monday. i gave them a few extra days to make sure it was in. they didn't order it at all and told me to come back tomorrow...

i have a high expectation for incompetence in general, and am more than willing to assign it to the pharmacy at shopper's drug mart. but, there's a general pattern, here. did i upset somebody by going out of town for a rx? awww.

now, i have a new prescription and i haven't brought it in yet. if it's not there tomorrow, i'm going to have to take that prescription to a different pharmacy.

but i'm left wondering about collusion occurring. it's a small town....

then again, i know i get schizophrenic under stress. which is why i need to avoid stress. you dumb system, you.

we'll find out tomorrow...

i mean, they owe me 53 pills. i paid for them. i need to get them, eventually. but i need the refill by friday morning, too.

again: i think i might be dealing with a religious issue, which is the same problem i had with the local clinic. the main guy back there refuses to refer to me as jessica...

it seems to be a specifically muslim thing. i mean, i don't think one religion is more intolerant than the other with this. but it seems to be that some muslims in the community are having a hard time reconciling their religious value system with our dominant secular value system, and may be a little confused about what our law prioritizes when there's a conflict in place.

i don't have a lot of opposition to diversity. i don't think increasing immigration in a contracting economy is smart, but that has nothing to do with where people are coming from, it just has to do with the gross number of people in. given that we have little reason to think we can expect anything other than near zero to negative growth for the foreseeable future, i think restricting our immigration policy, overall, would be the preferable economic choice at this point in time. but that's an economic calculation, rather than a perspective on diversity.

however, i don't like this idea of religious people enforcing their value systems - regardless of the religion they're enforcing. and, i feel that may be a developing problem.

it's something that needs to be dealt with by the courts, who need to strongly enforce access to health care as a priority over religious objections to providing it. that law needs to be laid down, with extreme force.

i'd argue that it should be an offense that should necessitate a loss of license.

but we'll see what happens tomorrow.

i see that this is actually a current issue...

http://rabble.ca/columnists/2014/08/doctors-do-not-have-right-to-discriminate-and-deny-basic-health-care

ok. it turns out that this is under review, and a set of stricter guidelines is likely to come into force in 2015.

so, that's good news. i'd expect some court cases out of it...

the court isn't going to think in terms of balancing one right against another - it's repeatedly rejected that kind of thinking. but there is a contradiction.

the way i see it is that people make a choice to be a doctor, and in doing so they waive their right to religious objections. doctors work in the service industry. they're required to provide the services they're requested. and if they can't carry out those requests, they should find a different job that doesn't conflict with their religious views.

what that means is that i think being licensed to practice medicine in canada should be attached to upholding a secular value system. you'd have to rephrase that in terms of upholding science to make it legal, but it's the essential idea.

another way you could look at it is that, in canada, doctors are quasi-employees of the government. they're not technically. they run private businesses and cash in insurance hours. but it's being paid for by tax money.

as such, they really *ought* to be under the same legal purview as any other government body (and i don't know if they legally are). but, if they are, as they should be, the argument turns around the other way: conscientious objection becomes something that infringes on the patient's freedom of religion. which is kind of what i'm *feeling* about it...

when a doctor refuses treatment based on a religious view, they're enforcing their views on the patient as much as they're upholding their own. which is really what the actual problem is and really what needs to be addressed.

i mean, consider the issue applied to any other government service. could you imagine welfare refusing to hand out checks to single mothers because it feels their behaviour is sinful? city hall refusing to hand out drivers licenses to women because it believes women should stay at home? that's not the analogy people want to use because we have all these wonky class ideas. but, in canada, it's closer to the right one - whether it conforms to the legal technicality or not.

it was too cold to stand at a pay phone for an hour this morning....

and will be tomorrow, too. and probably also friday. it'll be nice on monday.

i still have over a month. and once i set this in motion there's not going to be any option but to work it out quickly. i mean, i'm not going to wait between attempts. i'm going to go back to camh and do it again the immediate moment i'm released, and i'm going to do it until they fill out the forms. they can't let that happen more than a few times...

i don't have any problems ruining everybody else's christmas, either. i mean, if you're still celebrating the birth of fictional characters, who can be bothered with your opinion? burn the tree already. yeesh.

bonus: if we were to collectively stop celebrating christmas, our entire economic system would collapse.

it's the wind rather than the temperature. it's actually been pleasant, temperature wise, all fall. it's hovering around 0 this week, which is fine. but the winds are coming in from the north at gale gusts and dropping the temperature to around -10. it's not fun to stand in...

it'll be nice when this pattern shifts.

i'm thinking the longer i leave it, the more likely i am to get an extension, as well. because they can tell me i still have a month. if i get an extension, it pushes the whole process forwards in time...that's what i really want...as far as i can push it...

i'm used to driving myself pretty hard to stay awake for long periods to accomplish things. coffee & nicotine are tools for this, and i'm admittedly not smoking right now. regardless, when i pass out early two nights in a row after mere 15 hour days, the truth is i'm subconsciously trying to avoid something...

i can't let that happen a third time. this call will be made tomorrow morning.

for today, i guess i can go back to digitizing files and do some laundry.

subconscious drivers and no nicotine aside, digitizing requires a lot of sitting around and waiting. and, when you sleep seldomly, your body learns to take advantage of down times, as well. if i can get the digitizing done quickly, chances of nodding off while i'm waiting for the channel to finish are minimized...

line is busy. i'll try again tomorrow at 8:30 sharp. i should clean and stuff today...

ok. time to make some phone calls. let's see what happens...

yeah. i'm not going to hear anything back from that psychiatrist. i've been working on a mix that has taken longer than i expected; when it's done, i'm going to have to make some calls.

i may have to fast forward my reaction a little, depending on what i hear when i call to ask for an extension.

i've been sort of contemplating just giving up and getting a job. see, the problem is that my perspective on labour is going to be very disappointing to people. it may be suggested that it's defeatist, but anybody reacting that way is missing the point. see, as i'd be working because i'm forced to, my desire would be to minimize the amount of effort i have to put into it, rather than maximize what i can get out of it. i already know that i can't get anything at all out of it - or at least nothing that i want. i can't make enough money fast enough to retire in a reasonable time frame, so what's the point? that's not a defeatist perspective, it's simply the reality of it. it doesn't really matter what the nature of the job is or how big the pay check is, it's all the same waste of time to me.

this isn't something new. i figured this out around 2006-2008ish. i had a few jobs over the period that required a larger amount of responsibility, which meant i had to spend more time on them. that meant i had less time to do the things i was actually interested in, which meant i was very unhappy. i ended up quitting these jobs to take lower paying jobs that were closer to where i lived. it might seem strange to quit a full time job at microsoft to take a survey job at half the pay, but it meant i had twice the time. i was much happier with less responsibility, and the lower pay check didn't affect me.

the crux is that you can't just put pressure on an anarchist to act like a capitalist and expect it to happen. this is actually a key point worked into the system. they call it "incentives", but.....they're not universal in their effectiveness, at least. i'm simply not driven by profit motives. i'm not interested in climbing a hierarchy. helping people doesn't excite me. when i say that i think labour in this society is a waste of time, i'm not just saying that. i really believe that, and my actions are going to reflect it.

so, i'd rather work a job with the lowest amount of responsibilities possible. i'm not going to apply for the kinds of jobs that my education prepared me for because i don't want the responsibilities attached to them; if i'm going to be forced to work, my preference would be to work part time in the service industry. i can pay my bills with about 20 hours a week at minimum wage, and i consequently wouldn't want to work more than that. of course, if i can work at a higher wage rate, it means i'd have to work less...

what that means is i'm taking hours away from somebody that has a family to feed or wants to build a resume to get somewhere. it's certainly not beneficial to me. it's not really beneficial to society, either.

my worker keeps telling me that she doesn't understand why i don't want to live up to my potential. but, i *do* want to live up to my potential. i just don't see any goals that i can accomplish in the workforce. and i work very hard on what i do.

the reality is that i haven't had a job since 2008. it's going to be a culture shock if it comes down to it, and i'm going to have to be very careful that i don't take a job with too much structure - because i won't last. if i don't quit, i'll get fired. because i don't want to be there.

as mentioned, i may have to fast forward the reaction. i'm going to do everything humanly possible to stay on odsp. it may get messy. i'll keep this space updated.

when i compare a job at statscan v. a job at mcdonalds, i don't look at the pay rate, i look at the responsibility level required.

if i'm working at mcdonalds, i can just go home at the end of the day and not worry about it - meaning what i've lost is the amount of time working, and that only.

but, working at statscan means i have assignments i need to take home, staff parties and all kinds of other things - meaning i'm going to lose far more time working there.

i'd consequently rather work at mcdonalds. and, there's plenty of logic in the decision. it just puts value on minimizing time lost working, rather than maximizing time converted into money.

again, the most rational thing to do is just to let me off the hook on this. we have a surplus of labour. and i'm producing a product with real value, even if the market isn't reacting to it. if it requires three or four suicide attempts, so be it.

i think i've mentioned this before...

i was hoping to see a psychiatrist over december, and either have the forms filled out by the person or take the information to have them filled out by camh at the beginning of january. i was going to determine if i needed an extension or not over the course of december.

but, the psychiatrist is not calling back.

so, i now need to call and ask for an extension. when i'm done this mix and can shower and stuff...

one of two things will happen.

1) if i get the extension,  i will wait until january before i react.

2) if i do not get the extension, i will need to have the forms filled out before january and will have to take extraordinary steps to have that happen. my plan is to go immediately to camh and demand to see a doctor. i will give them one hour to accommodate this. should they choose to not allow me to see a doctor, i will start popping aspirin in the foyer. i will make the condition known. hopefully, that will be enough to get the diagnosis. if it is not, i will repeat the same thing over and over again (go to camh, give them an hour, start popping aspirin) until i am able to get the forms filled out.

this is a recurrence problem, in terms of diagnosis, and i'm aware of it. i just need to be careful that i don't give them an excuse to put me in jail rather than fill out the forms.

it's not a question of if i belong on odsp. i do. anybody that knows me knows this. it's a question of demonstrating the fact.

the first time, they're probably going to tell me that i'm trying to get a reaction and am behaving rationally, and i'm going to agree with them - and suggest it's pathological behaviour. if they agree, that's the end of it. if they don't, then repeated occurrences have no end point but eventual diagnosis with some sort of personality disorder.

after the third or fourth time, they're going to have no option. i have no intention of hiding the fact that i'm being aggressive about this; to the contrary, i think it's the key point in the diagnosis.

could anybody do this? in theory, sure. but i think you'd by definition need to be crazy in order to actually go through with it.

in the end, this can be done the easy way or the hard way. and i have every intention of making the hard way very, very, very hard for camh....

in the end, i may end up in jail. on purpose. my concept of freedom aligns fairly well with free meals and infinite library access; certainly, it's closer to my idea of freedom than being forced to find a job. but, i'm not done my discography yet...

my plan after i finish my unfinished works is to lose myself in the books. and, when it comes down to it, jail might be the preferable option to do that.

i don't want to hurt anybody though. i'll have to study the legal code. i might pretend to rob a bank or something...

yeah, i'd want to be separated from the general population, i think. but the general condition doesn't really frighten me. if i decide to go to jail, i'll do the research in figuring out how to get to the condition i want to be in. that's not going to be for a few years.....

i was hoping to catch animals as leaders last night, but i ended up passing out. i'm not sure how exciting a live show it would have been. great guitarist, but it's headphone music.

i've got a new map up that organized things a little differently. as you can see, this is just loaded with guitar overdubs, a lot of them doubled or quintupled through separate effects paths. it seems like i'm hurtling towards 70 tracks. three more things to do there, down at the bottom.

...although i'm starting to wonder about maybe doubling a few more parts later in the song. we'll see how this goes....

that was a very long day, which required upwards of five hours of walking through some pretty nasty windchills and ran about 36 hours...

...but i got my prescription, in the end.

that's one of two medical issues i needed dealt with. now, i need to figure out how to get the odsp renewed for at least another year.

i have my doctor's appointment in london in a few hours and i'm incredibly nervous about it. the first time, i figured it was just a formality. this time, i'm really apprehensive...

of course, i've been thinking about it a lot. at the end of the day, regardless of the outcome, the decision i made is not reversible. denying me hormones isn't going to coerce me to change my name back. it's not going to make me more interested in living a male gender role. it's not going to change how i present myself, how i dress, how i identify or how i behave. it's just going to put me in the awkward position of needing to explain that the health system is denying me treatment when i show up to a job interview in a skirt.

so, i'm hoping it turns out well. but i've kind of put it aside. it's not the chemicals that define who i am, and not taking the chemicals isn't going to change who i am, either.

i do hope i can at least convince him to keep me on the androgen blockers. i hate masturbating, and i'm very happy that i haven't had to in well over a year. i don't want to go back to having to deal with that, it's such a waste of fucking time...

what i really aim for, i think, is total sexlessness. just the abolition of sexuality. i like the fact that the feminizing hormones make me a little prettier when i want to be, but it's really the testosterone blockers that are giving me what i really want.

i spent 25 some odd years realizing i'm not very good at being a dude, and don't have any interest in being one, either. that's not just going to change overnight…

and the reality is that i will eventually get access to hormones, even if it takes a few weeks to figure out how.

ok, it's the first few minutes that are pissing me off.

and i can probably reconstruct the first few minutes. it just means cross fading the end.

which is easy to do anyways.

i need to go to london (ontario) tomorrow, so i won't be working on this much longer tonight. but i think i've got a successful tactic, here.

i'm very sensitive to the weather...

i had set the condition on myself this morning that if i finish the song then i can go to the punk show tonight. i instead ended up falling asleep, and now i'm afraid to go outside. and i'm still sleepy.

it's only -10 with the windchill. but i'm actually getting the feeling that i may not leave the house at all until it's passed next week.

this is why i always have extra spaghetti.

the song is legitimately almost done. i want to add some extra guitar parts. it'll only take a few hours from the time i sit down to do it. but right now i'm still nodding off...

i knew what i was walking into, but i'm still constantly amazed by what i'm seeing.

i actually wouldn't want to travel to this place on foot. i need to get a bicycle...it's clear....top priority in the spring...

it's amazing how much of detroit has this "old country road" feel, given that it's a substantial metropolitan center. areas in the center of the city look and feel like isolated, trapped-in-time towns in central ontario.

i haven't spent enough time yet to know if i'm walking into a village mentality.

i'm actually a big city person. i like the egalitarianism that comes with anonymity.

excerpt from catch-22

"You mean there's a catch?"

"Sure there's a catch", Doc Daneeka replied. "Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn't really crazy."

There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane, he had to fly them. If he flew them, he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to, he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.

escaping the studio for a familiar blast of new york at trinosophes in detroit

looking at his biography, it's surprising that i'd never heard of virgil moorefield before yesterday. well, the name is vaguely familiar, but i couldn't have placed it to anything. however, the biography (along with a bit of youtube sleuthing) made it clear that i'd better show up, as that slice of the history of new york's music scene is really exactly precisely where my brain lives.

he was performing a new piece, and while i got the impression that the band might not be entirely into it yet, i have to point out that it was a little bit generic in terms of minimalist post-rock, broken only by the inclusion of a sax player. it swayed and rocked like you'd expect it would, but that's just it: very predictable. there wasn't really anything new to it. the melodic lines weren't anything much to react to, either. it's one thing to be predictable and be good, it's another to be predictable and sort of mediocre at it.

listen. it happens. there are beethoven pieces that flat out suck. i wasn't going to make too much of a judgment on the basis of one piece.

the second piece (apparently a reinstrumentation of "i wish i'd thought of it sooner") was a lot more creative. it definitely exists in the space i referenced, but it was noisy and erratic and just overall worked very well.

the third piece (the one posted) was somewhere in between, in that it went back to the predictability of the first piece while maintaining some of the excitement of the second. it was more along the lines of being predictable and good. but, there were also some jazzy curve balls in there.

overall? i didn't get the same kind of raw power i get out of swans, the atonal mess of zorn, the messy dynamics of branca or even the glacial harmonies of steve reich. what i heard tonight was kind of reaching into all these places and pulling a little out of all of them without really hitting any serious high points. i didn't hear anything to define virgil moorefield, so much as i heard a lot of bits of things i'm familiar with from elsewhere - none of it really put together in a way that really grabbed me. i'm sure there's far more to his work than i heard tonight...

....but i can't help but think it was a good explanation of how i could be so into so much of what came out of that scene without having ever heard of him.

that being said? it was worth the $10. i'm glad i went, and i'd make the same choice next time. maybe i'll check out some more of his work in the meantime hoping to find the best of it...

http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2014/11/08.html

ok, i'm coming to terms with the fact that i'm probably not hearing back from the psychiatrist and i'm going to have to wait until the 12th to get somebody to fill out the forms.

i'm expecting that the forms will not be filled out. if so, i will immediately attempt suicide in the doctor's office. so, you can pencil in the first suicide attempt for jan 12, 2015. i expect that this attempt will be stopped, but it seems as though i'm going to have to actually go through with it.

i'm also going to have to sit down over the weekend and explore artist grant options. it's not what i want. what i want is long term odsp. but if i get the grants, and it lets me live an extra year or two to get the work i want done done, then it's a better option for future generations. so i'm obligated to do this.

i mean, if the point of this is to save money, they may want to recalculate that because it's going to cost money and resources to pump my stomach and put me through all this processing. if somebody ends up dying in the meantime, i'd argue the doctors should be held liable for it. there's no reason to play out this pointless drama.

but, you know. world. stage. actors. yeah.

i just wish people had more foresight and were able to make decisions more rationally.

i mean, i don't want to spend the weekend in the hospital any more than the system wants to expend the resources on me for it....if i can find even one doctor willing to dislodge head from ass and get a grip on the reality of the situation, i won't have to.

i'm not expecting this.

so, you can pencil in an acetaminophen overdose on jan 12th at the windsor branch of the canadian association of mental health.

treatment

hi

i'm going to send a duplicate over facebook, as i hope to get a referral out by monday if i need to do it that way. however, i suspect it may be easier to simply book an appointment.

the purpose of contacting you is to get my hormone prescription renewed. i've already been through all of the mtf transgender diagnosis - and a very long time ago at that. i've been on hormones absolutely steadily since 2010.

i was previously dealing with a doctor in ottawa. about a year ago, i moved to windsor. last month, i had my prescription renewal denied due to the doctor no longer practicing. i've had *general* difficulties with the doctors in windsor - they won't take my odsp seriously, and they won't write me hormone prescriptions. i'm really at a loss of understanding.

i couldn't even contemplate how i'd react if i were to stop taking them. i've been on them five years! my entire life exists in a female identity. i simply don't understand why the doctor in windsor is refusing to prescribe, but it's forcing me to look outside the city.

i was able to get an emergency prescription to the end of december from the hospital ER room. that's an extreme step, but i had nowhere else to go to get the extension. what that means is i'm hoping to see somebody before the new year.

i'll have to take the bus down, which shouldn't be a problem so long as i have enough time to plan. again: my records are with the doctor in ottawa. would you be willing to see me?

jessica

ok, i've freaked out enough today, and my creative aids are slow to arrive, so i guess it's time to get to work.

it turns out the evaluation he wanted to send me to was to a couple of social workers with no medical credentials. the secretary and i agreed that this was essentially a waste of time, until i could state a goal to overcome - which in my case is not in a form that they can treat. if i tell them i have no motivation to live, they can try to help me work through the lack of motivation, but they can't diagnose me with anything or fill out my papers. their purpose is to help me overcome the existential dread, rather than put me on a path where i can live with it, which is not going to happen in my circumstance - because it's the consequence of a logical process.

in a statement, my position is too subtle for the workers to be able to treat. if they ask me "are you feeling suicidal?", the answer is yes. if they ask me "are you an imminent threat to harm yourself?", the answer is no - it depends on circumstances. they can't parse that because it's a logical statement, and they're trained to respond to irrational behaviour.

so, i need to speak with somebody with actual medical credentials first, to try and get a real diagnosis. if that doesn't work, i become an imminent threat to myself, and the doctor will have to determine if it's the result of a pathology that justifies disability or if i just need some "help" to "work through it".

i just hope the doctor they send me to can think in these shades of grey and put themselves into the space where they can deduce the proper conclusions from first principles. hand-waving this off to a social worker is giving me a death sentence.

stated another way, my "goal" is to have the disability papers processed - but they need a "goal" in a form that would negate the need for disability, which, in my case, does not exist.

the secretary agreed that this *sounded* pathological to her, but the social work process cannot deal with me if i have that "goal" in mind, i need a doctor.

so, i'll wait a few days and see what i hear back before i call odsp and tell them i can't see a doctor until the 12th.

for now, i need to get a drum part done...

i'm glad i got a nice walk in today, at least. judging from last year, talk of "last nice day of the year" doesn't really apply to windsor. we'll get days in the mid teens throughout the winter, here. it'll rain significantly through each of the winter months. the severity of the weather seems to be defined by the severity of the air masses moving south, with a moderately mild climate in between. that is to say that the average winter day here really hovers around 0, and we only get worse than that when we get blasted by that north wind - but we'll also get much, much nicer than that when humid air masses come from the south. that's a big difference from ottawa, where you can expect week long blasts of -30 in between weeks of highs around -10. but it may be the last day of 20+ weather for a while, so i'm glad i got out to enjoy it. even if i had to deal with some rain...

the rest of the day was a bit more frustrating.

i started with the odsp worker. she wasn't able to suggest a doctor, and even seemed somewhat taken aback by the suggestion, as though it was a corrupt request. after some prodding, i got the suggestion of trying the canadian association for mental health, as they may have better leads.

i spent a while talking to somebody there and the conclusion was twofold.

1) camh is indeed probably my best bet - certainly a better idea than randomly keying in on specific doctors. however,
2) i need to go through a lengthy process of analysis.

i have no doubt that i'm easily diagnosed, if you give me the proper session time. it's actually probably the best approach forward from a larger perspective, as once i get that more serious diagnosis it'll stick with me permanently. i want to get the fucking paperwork done and move on, but i need to be patient about it.

so it means i'm looking at what will probably be weekly sessions for the next few months and not having this worked out until the last minute. i won't be able to see an actual physician that can fill out the papers until jan 12, which is a day before i need to get them in.

if it works out, it's kind of perfect because i wanted to wait until the last minute, anyways. but if it doesn't work out this is probably the end of me...

again: i need to not let it stress me out too much, and just keep my head in the tunes. i just need to make some phone calls tomorrow, and then i should have it off my mind for a while.

i just hope they're not thinking that putting it to the last minute is going to alter my behaviour, because it isn't.

i've expressed myself clearly. i don't think the guy i was speaking to today was really taking me seriously. i think a substantial part of the diagnosis presenting itself needs to exist in believing me when i say this is it - this gets done, or i'm dead.

the moment that logical process is understood as more than a hollow threat is the moment a pathology is established.

the annoying thing about it is it always takes the same form "you should have a good job and be making significant money. you have so much potential. you're too smart to off yourself.". what has to be understood is that the reality is "no amount of income is sufficient to compensate for time wasted in employment. when presented with that choice, i'm too smart to not kill myself.".

the other thing is like....if i think the first couple of sessions are a waste of time, i won't bother completing them, i'll just set the gears in motion....

it's this or broke, really. there's not another option.

i'm resigned to this. i need to try, but i'm not confident in the outcome.

shit, that cage performance is an extended five minute piece. i think i'm looking at ten-fifteen minutes, tops. i'm sure it'll be interesting, but i wish it were a ten minute walk rather than a three-four hour process to get back and forth under the tunnel. i can't help but feel my time is better spent at home.

worse, it's that time of year where 5-6 degrees over night seems like trudging through a -20 blizzard. another week or two and you're used to it, but it's *right* at that icky point.

so, i guess i'm staying in.

i just assumed it was a concert-length piece.

it's more of a lecture, and a short "performance".

lost yesterday. things. i hope to get the 9:46 instrumental synced and at least thought through (or composed) before i head out to see a john cage piece on sunday night.

so, they decided to make the forms due on my birthday. aren't they sweet....

if i wait until the very last minute, i should hopefully get another month or two while it's being processed.

i then get a three month grace period from the time a decision is made to figure something out.

i can also appeal. so, i could stretch this out to close to a year.

i'm thinking i should go in to see my worker within a few days to ask if she has any recs for doctors, because it's what it comes down to. all i've had here so far is grief (excluding that one er doctor). i'm actually even considering hitching back to ottawa to go back to the same doctor that signed off on me initially.

kind of cold to hitch, though.

no, really. there's inevitably sleeping outside involved.

i'm obviously crazy. you only need to follow my facebook feed for a few days to get that. but i come off as rather deceptively sane, both on paper and in person. this is why i wanted to get some serious shrink time in. my insanity may not be obvious in a ten minute conversation, which is how these things seem to work, but you can't miss it after you've known me for a few weeks.

like, i was so sane on first impression that the shrink i went to wouldn't even talk to me. if you've been following this for any length of time, you realize how surreal that is.

i suppose i can try another shrink, but....

i think the best diagnosis is just "mad".

"she's a mad hatter" kind of thing.

i'm calmed down, now. my threats aren't idle but i'm relaxed. i wish i didn't buy those cigarettes...

she's in tuesday mornings...

guess i'll have to wait until next week. gives me time to think...

i'm just going to have to level with them.

i needed the doctor to play along, but what got me a huge slice of empathy from ontario works was a letter i wrote them where i just explained the reality of my existence in the most cold, dour way possible.

the truth is nothing has changed. i didn't choose to exist in this society, and i would have decided pretty squarely against it if i had the opportunity to make the choice. but, i'm here, and this is the only way i'm going to exist with any contentment. i can at least state that i've been considerate enough not to breed. signing me off into misery (which i will not accept. i will choose death.) isn't making anything better for anybody.

in the end, i have to convince them to choose compassion over calvinism.

90% of that is going to be determined by who i end up talking to....

so, i got my letter of doom today. it's a package of forms to fill out.

considering the experiences i've had with doctors here, i'm expecting to be rejected, so i'm going to leave it to the last minute with the expectation that i'll have to launch an appeal. that means i have roughly six months left to live before i commit suicide. i'm planning something grizzly outside the odsp offices (or outside of a doctor's office) as a political statement. the purpose is to draw attention to the fact that the system has failed me, and hopefully to produce consequences for the people responsible for that.

the flip side of this is that i don't want to waste the last six months of my life fighting disability. so, i'm NOT going to try really hard to find a doctor to fill this out - i'm going to make sure i get as much music recorded as i can in the next six months, then go out in a truly spectacular mess...

if you have any really good suicide ideas, please post them here, maybe i can work them into the action.

see, then i wonder why i keep going back to smoking. what's the use of quitting, when there's no future?

i've been to doctors, they tell me i'm healthy. i guess i'll have to prove them wrong. maybe they'll be less stupid about it after they have to peel a severed arm off their front door.

"you're holding us up with a gun!"

it's reciprocating society's ultimatum of work or starve. it's incredibly aggressive, but we're born with these knives over our heads that give us no option but to sell our labour to survive. if rejecting this means producing a violent outburst, it's a reflection of my lack of options to live in real freedom. the desperate nature of slavery *justifies* this sort of response.

so, yes, i'm turning the gun back on society. and, rather than feel bad about this, i'd encourage others to do the same.

i need to finish inri035. yes, i'm smoking tonight. at least, i am NOW. then i need to eat. then i need to carefully read through the thing and see what i can do.

but i'm not wasting large amounts of time on this, only to be rejected in the end. i'm at peace with ending my existence in the short term, just so long as i can get the work done. i need to pick up the pace a bit...

i've been quiet on the activist front since i came down here. well, i got what i want. and, i'm aware that it's *why* we have assistance set up. if you set up a society that is structurally unequal (and then expect people to fight over the wealth), you're going to end up with disaffected masses that don't want to play the game and will fight back instead. the way to control those masses is to feed and shelter them. i'm willing to play along. but you pull that out from under me, and i'm back to fighting for principles.

it's martyr thinking, granted, but it's calculated for maximum effect. i've constructed my life goals with the intent of completing them within a year or two. once i get there, there's not much else to live for. so, i'm now in a race against time.

if things work out, i get a lot done. if they don't, i can at least go out knowing i got as much done as i could...

i mean, i've got over 24 hours worth of music completed, remastered and reconstructed over the last year and a bit. that's something to be proud of. at the least, i need to have *some* kind of way to present what's left.

noise/punk night reveals cause for concern

that was fun, then unsettling.

had a bit of a last night drinking for a while, because it's a last night smoking. i wanted to get it out of the system. once i've quit smoking for a few months, i'll go back to normal.

i picked a noise punk show to work it out. seven drinks in four hours is not much, but it underwhelmed and then hit me near the end due to taking the first three as baileys in coffee. that phog. they tell you doors at 8, then don't start the show until 10:30. i'm learning...

the walk back was unfortunate. well, here's my story...

slates was coming through windsor fresh from recording an album with steve albini, which is certainly an impressive career move. they hit a few solid points in poppy not poppy hardcore, but they were, overall, sort of generic. a particular point that needs some work would be the drumming, which tends to just plod through simple beats that are unrelated to the rest of the song. you get this when a band lacks chemistry - the drummer ends up playing by himself, while the rest of the band does it's thing. it clicked at points, but they simply weren't tight.

i went out tonight to see life in vacuum, who were definitely a lot tighter. you're not really looking for originality out of this sound nowadays, what you're looking for is that right mix of carefully calculated chaos and cathartic release. they hit that sweet spot pretty well, actually. worth checking out.

here is a full set from about a year later:

i made a split decision to stay to see the headliner, but it required a quick trip to the bank machine; on the journey from a to b, i met some random hippies, who sent me on my way with a bit of that feeling that hippies are all about. but, that's also when the fact that i'd had six drinks already sunk in.

i had to sit down, so i found a spot to the side and remained there through the first song or two. it was actually fairly pleasant post-rock - i'm glad i  bumped into those hippies. but, as the set unraveled it became clear that the band was mixing up tired indie rock cliches with tired post-rock ones. they've got the form nailed, but then they use it in every song.

i was in and out of the set, connecting with it at the crescendos and nodding off during the verses. they're worth not skipping...

then...

well, i had some fun tonight until some kids stopped and threw something at me.

it seems to have missed on purpose, indicating somebody was put up to something they didn't want to do, and accidentally messed up on purpose. see, when that happens, it's a group decision to accidentally mess up on purpose - a specific individual was assigned that responsibility, to accidentally miss on purpose. it's posteuring.

i'm still processing this. i understand i need to take it seriously,...

i was too drunk to process this. reality is difficult sometimes - and that's it.

i do not have the raw information necessary to properly understand what happened.

so, do i react over-cautiously or haphazardly? there's no middle point to anchor one's self in, it's necessary to choose one extreme or the other.

exact recollection of events, while i can...

1) i'm walking home up wyandotte, a little drunk. i can walk straight. i can talk. i can get home - no worries. but complicated events aren't a good idea for me, right now.
2) a minivan - grey, i didn't get plates, that's the best i can do in descriptive terns - slows down a little and asks me to come near it.
3) i decline. something like "no, but i can answer your questions from a distance".
4) he asks me where drouillard is. there were two passengers in the front and at least one in the back. i would describe the driver as asian-indian (or pakistani) descent, male, under 30. that's all i can provide, as it's blurry.
5) i hear a smash beyond me - possibly a rock going through a window.
6) i say "that's not cool, guys."
7) the driver repeats back "that's not cool, guys?"
8) i hear a second smash behind me.
9) the van speeds off.
10) i walk home.

it seems violent, but i don't otherwise understand. at all.

is it a transgender hate attack? was i mistaken for a prostitute? did i even connect unrelated sounds? i can't make sense of this.

i was simply too drunk to process what happened. so, now i don't know how to react.

maybe it will be more clear in the morning.

i'm leaning towards it being kids with a warped perception of "cool", which is why i think what i said worked in scaring them off. which puts me in a trap, because i'm a bleeding heart liberal with kids.

this kind of shit comes from such weird places, and is carried out by people that are so badly manipulated...the system catches the fall idiot, while the structure remains intact. you're not getting anywhere hardening the idiot into a repeat offender. it's to the point where you want to just fucking boycott the legal system altogether.

maybe i'm naive, but i want to think that "that's not cool" was the most effective corrective procedure possible.

and hence the situation is dealt with.

but, i have my safety to be concerned with.

and, in truth, i have the safety of others to be concerned with, as well.

i'm not anti-incarceration. in fact, i'm pretty strict with it. i just demand a stricter set of reasons for it - specifically, the safety of the community and only that reason. incarceration should be used when the community is convinced that the individual is a permanent or imminent threat to others. at that point, it's self defense. not punishment. not deterrence. containment. banishment is not realistic in today's world.

so, my own legal leanings suggest to me the necessity of some reaction...

it's the *one* situation where i feel a legal response is justified and necessary.

but i know how this works.

and i don't think creating enemies behind the fall idiot is that smart.

you want to say "if it happens again...."

but you know you might not be around to tell that story.

i don't think anybody followed me home.

i don't have any useful information. a south asian dude in a minivan. it's useless. i can do nothing.

so, there's no use in agonizing over the right thing to do.

in truth, nothing can be done at all.

i'll just have to keep an eye out for grey minivans.

http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2014/10/18.html

shipped.

and i feel good about it.

that was a rough week, actually, glad it's done.

first pressing done!

it's a small pressing: one copy for me, one copy for the dude. but it's done and will ship in the morning.

i like my disturbing photo.

i don't like people gendering me incorrectly.

so, due to the vast ubiquity of human stupidity, i feel forced to change it.

it's unfortunate. but i don't feel i'm to blame.

so, i've settled on getting one of those epsons tomorrow.

i could have gotten a cheaper canon for $40, but it didn't have a scanner and if i'm going to get a device like this it really ought to have one. i literally have no use for a fax, but the scanner is worth a few dollars. there's also the new factor.

now that i have a better understanding of costs, i've revised prices and added a few new aleph-numbers.

not the work i had in mind when i promised, granted, but it took some time to do.

====================

format / digital / physical:
 single / $1.25 / $5
ep / $2.50 / $7
record / $5 / $10
double / $10 / $20
7.5 hour dvd-audio compilations: $50
13.5 hour flac compilation discs: $100
30 hour mp3 compilation discs: $200

note that flac is higher quality than mp3.
therefore, mp3 discs contain more music.
be sure to purchase what you WANT.

shipping:
$2 - can
$5 - us
$10 - intl

shipping rates are flat to the max, meaning i may gain slightly but i won't lose on shipping. it's otherwise about $3 to make a package. 20% of the sale price goes to transaction fees. this is as cheap as it can be while still being worthwhile to produce.

i got the er to give me two months. that had better be sufficient; that is, i need to make sure it's sufficient, because it's not going to happen a second time.

1) absolute cold turkey on smoking from this point. i'm not giving them that as an excuse. nicotine is also an estrogen blocker; i have noticed that my breast size increases when i'm not smoking. it's like...i decided to quit smoking...and have....but shit keeps coming up that freaks me out. that's done. it's become a threat and needs to end.

2) i need to get on the phone tomorrow and pester for an appointment asap so i know if i need to get out of town for a third doctor or not. if i have to take a bus to london or something...

3) i'm going to have to look my best when i do walk in there.

in short, i'm going to take the hint and convert it into an incentive to better myself a little. i've maybe been stewing in my own bodily fluids a little too much recently. that's kind of a gender neutral conclusion. i've been eating well and walking a lot lately, but maybe i should be taking better care of myself in other ways, regardless.

i might look back on this as the kick in the ass that i needed to get things going again, after kind of stalling for a bit.

ffs, nothing takes paypal or echeck...

excuse me while i throw myself through a window. no, honestly. i need to sit down and think how i'm going to do this.

maybe i can get a hold of somebody in ottawa.

i wonder how hard it is to synthesize it....

what's going to happen if i go off hormones?

- depression
- low self esteem
- mood swings
- anger management issues
- possibly suicidal behaviour

you know what i'm going to do? i'm going to go to the emergency room.

tomorrow.

i was not a happy person before i went on them. i'm not going to argue that i'm the happiest person in the world now, but it's a definite improvement in my well being and outlook on the world.

i may end up harming myself. i need to get that across.

no, i'm going to go now...

here's an interesting promotion.

buy estrace, get free viagra. like i have any use for the viagra. so i may end up with some free viagra; if anybody wants it, let me know...

ugh.

somehow, the files from the doctor i spoke to a few days ago ended up at the clinic i went to today. he was suggesting that there's a "health risk" involved in the estrace - even though i've been taking it for years and am in perfect health. so, the doctor at the clinic couldn't overrule the specialist.

i'm not wasting any more time trying to convince a doctor, i'm just going to order online. it's actually a little cheaper.

it means i'll have to put a few other things on hold, but so be it.

estrogen can be connected to blood clots in some cases. but that's true of everybody that takes it. it's bullshit, really. i don't know what's really going on, but i'm just not wasting any more time trying to figure it out.

i'm not angry so much as i'm annoyed. i mean, i'm of the opinion that these drugs should be available over the counter.

at this point, it would be a far greater health risk to go off of them all at once than it would be to continue with them.

i'm dreading this - it's going to really kill my confidence and put me in a depressed state if i don't get this prescribed - but here i go...

it's such stupidity, ultimately. worst case, i'm going to order it from india. these doctors have no right to deny me access to medication i've been on for fourteen years because they don't like my hair.

i can’t be stopped. it can be made easy or hard.

it's not bad when it's dry; the way it spread out actually gives it a sort of natural/dirty look, with darker shades underneath. but i'm going to go red sooner than later.

well, i'm blonde again. sort of. i should have used two boxes. you're kind of helpless once you get to that point and can't go back.

gah...

couldn't find lightscribe discs anywhere. the salesperson talked me into buying some discs i knew wouldn't work and they do, in fact, not work. have to bring those back on tuesday....

i think i've exhausted options in town. there's always detroit, but i may have to order them online. it's an older technology, now, that didn't really take off. but i can't afford the type of cd printer that did take off. i'll have to get one cheap eventually, but it's going to be a while...

well....unless i *can* find a printer for cheap, i guess.

see, here's the thing: i've sold one cd. i'm not yet optimistic that i'm going to sell a whole lot more. a printer is very useful and everything, but you have to put it in context. $200-300 on a printer (which would pretty much clear me out) isn't really a justified expense right now.

but if i can get one for $50....see, it's a general tool that is useful to have.

let's see what kijiji has to offer...

see, the actual printing is way better. lightscribe kind of fades after a while. i'm not putting any abstract art on it or anything, but the value of the commodity is the *number* that appears on the disc. that's what i'm selling, really, at this point - is having a numbered demo from somebody that may (or may not) end up being recognized as substantial.

my plan was to sell the number burnt with lightscribe (because that's what i have) until i've sold enough to buy the printer, then use the funds i've generated to buy the printer. but that might not really be feasible due to the difficulty finding the lightscribe media.

i have lightscribe dvds, but they're not going to read on all players. i don't really like the idea.

you have to put money down if you want to build something. i get that. it's just a question of return value. i'm happy to see the sale - and this guy is going to get something with a number burnt on it, he can be sure of that - but i'm not really convinced i'm going to see return value from the investment.

but, like i say, i need a printer anyway. just how much are they.....

i'm shocked. i sold something. woo!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roRQ2mNwMMQ

it felt good building up that cover art. first time i've done that in years. inri029 now has a sleeve.

https://jasonparent.bandcamp.com/album/to-spin-inside-dull-aberrations



next thing is to try and find some lightscribe discs around here. windsor is kind of notorious for being low in stock on...everything. it's one of the tomato producing capitals in the world, and half the time the stores are out or full of mouldy stock from mexico (drives me nuts). it's detroit, canada, basically. hey, that's why i moved down here...

i'm sure i'll find them somewhere and be able to print it off on tuesday (monday, here, is canadian thanksgiving. bullshit holiday, but it means everything is closed.). it's going to take far too long to order something...

apparently, 40% of the population of windsor doesn't live within walking distance of a grocery store.

compute that.

major retailers (rona, for one) have recently left the city because they can't police the stores. i went into the rona about a year ago to get some exacto knives, and i had to be escorted by security past an armed guard because people were using them to rob the place.

there's still a semblance of peace on the surface, but it's really a pretty crazy place.

but i can integrate the walk to drop off compost with a lightscribe run, which will take me to one of the less crazy areas where there's a radio shack and a staples and stuff...gotta be some in one of those stores...

ugh. fine.

blonding and maybe also redding tomorrow. it's been a while since i dyed....two years almost...it makes a big difference, though. my natural hair colour is kind of ratty looking, and there's not really any way to style it away.

i guess i've just been sitting in my room by myself. i've been to some shows, but they're the kind where i'd rather not get hit on by smelly indie boys. few incentives to care. i'm really not that vain.

it's been a while since i updated my profile pic, too. bloody patriarchy. but i'll play along for a few weeks...

i have the dye already, i've been meaning to, just never really got around to it.

it should be nice enough on monday, even, to go out in shorts and a tanktop.

the doctors in this city are real hard asses.

so, i went down on tuesday to refill my estrogen (specifically) and learned i was on my last refill. so, i asked them to send a fax to the ottawa doctor, as they had previously done. i got something back from the doctor indicating he's no longer practicing, along with my last refill (from him). that meant i had to find a doctor here.....

i was able to quickly set up an appointment for this afternoon with an endocrinologist that deals with gender transitions. it was the same process i went through with the shrink i saw a few months ago - he decided he didn't like my attitude, accused me of having a personality disorder (which is probably true, that's why i went to see the shrink, although he wouldn't diagnose it) and tossed me from his office.

what led to the conflict was the suggestion that generally people that come in looking for prescriptions are "already living in a female role", to which i retorted that i am and have been living in a female role for many years. apparently, he didn't find it convincing. it's true that i'm not the hyper-feminine type. but it's also true that if you pulled a dozen random women off the street, i'd be somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum presented. lots of women walk around in jeans and cons and no make-up. it's entirely "normal". so, no, i'm not the hysterical trans stereotype, but the hysterical trans stereotype really isn't at all representative of women of my generation, either. the hysterical trans stereotype is actually probably indicative of a greater psychological issue than gender dysphoria, at this point, but the literature (that i've seen) is just absurdly stuck in the past. i'm really a pretty "normal", "average" kind of late 20s or early 30s woman of my age and peer group. i guess that wasn't good enough for this guy.

there's also the fact that i'm in my 30s, even if i happen to look many years younger. i've kind of grown out of the heavy-make-up-frilly-socks stage of life. i know the hysterical trans stereotype is attached to not growing out of that at all, but it's also attached to really gross sexual fetishes that i simply don't have. further, i have to be honest that i really don't like being put in a situation where i have to defend the fact that being transgendered does not imply anything about sexual preferences. at all. i'm a very sexually conservative person that has consciously chosen to not have a sex life, and it's really....gross...to have to justify my gender identification in the face of not being perceived as a tranny slut. i'm not going to walk around presenting myself as an insecure teenager, or, worse, a street walker. i'm just not that person. i like comfortable clothes that minimize my sexuality, and i'm old enough to walk around in them without giving a fuck.

i then suggested that it's not his role to act as a psychiatrist, that i've already been through that process and he really has no place in undoing an existing psychological diagnosis. that's when he started to get standoffish, but the fact is that i'm absolutely right. if the guy thinks he can undo twenty-five years worth of thinking and months of talking it over with a shrink (it was a long time ago, but it happened), in well under an hour (more like ten minutes) then he's simply an idiot. i'm sorry. it's utter stupidity.

so, i went back to the clinic that sent me there in the first place. i was able to determine that the doctor there *could* refill the medication for me, but has decided to *not* do so. as far as i could tell, it was a religious thing. she repeatedly stated that she had to be at a mosque for 2:00, which strongly suggested to me that she's opposed to the whole thing and referring me to somebody else out of principle.

i got a new referral in. but i'm very skeptical that it's going to get me the refill before nov 1. i at least now know that virtually any doctor *could* do this refill for me, for at least one month. i'm going to have to get out on monday and try to find one that will.

i didn't have makeup on, and i'm older than the model here (although don't really look it), but i otherwise didn't look that different than her:

https://www.thebudgetfashionista.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/White-Tee.jpg

is there something unfeminine about that, or is it actually a pretty "nomal" outfit?

i'd argue the latter.

it was probably *too* normal. but i'm not a drag performer. i'm the girl next door.

the literature is just really fucked.

well, i had pink shoes. and a pink sweater around my waist. that matches the shoes. minor detail.

in addition, i wasn't going to a job interview or a party or on a date. i was going to a dr's appointment. is it not far more bizarre to dress provocatively to see a doctor than it is to dress down?

would you not expect a mostly transitioned, integrated transperson to dress "normally"? would a really colourful or brazen outfit not be evidence of difficulty integrating?

but i've been to these doctors and they expect transgendered people to show up dressed provocatively. i'm not going on a feminist rant about this, what i'm thinking is obvious, it doesn't need to be stated.

i think i have to be rational about it. i've spoken to two doctors so far. one seems to have been enforcing patriarchal expectations. the other seems to have had religious objections. surely, i can find one with neither bias.

i'll point out that the nurse at the clinic indicated that the endocrinologist has a history of this kind of bullshit. i'm not the first person that's gone through this with him. so, that's another rational consideration - he's reacted like this before.

but, the doctors here that i've seen so far sure are hard asses, wow....

i guess it reinforces the importance of finding a good doctor.

which is something i have no choice but to do, now.

--

i need to stress this point: you'd think if i showed up in fishnets or something, at the age of 33, i'd be bipolar or something. honestly. you don't see women my age walking around like that to go to a doctor's appointment.

but that might be my error. maybe i'm so comfortable with myself in an essentially post-transition space that it never crossed my mind that i had something to prove to this guy.

i don't have any "business attire" to wear to the next appointment, which is a more suitable wardrobe for somebody of my age and experience. but i need to be more conscious of the fact that the guy is going to be analyzing me relative to where i was in transition five years ago, rather than where i am now.

it's bullshit. i'm mad at myself for compromising my values like this, but i think i'm going to have to.

like, i'm already transitioned. i've been transitioned for a couple of years, now. it's not a question of progressing through stages, it's a question of maintaining access to medication.

i just happen to be a chick that looks a little like a dude, and there's not really anything i can do that's within my budget to reverse that.

....but the doctor might not realize that. i'll argue strenuously that it's not his place to question it, but it's not going to get me closer to getting what i need to maintain the post-transition state.

i can't really dress for work, because i don't have a work wardrobe.

i don't want to dress like i'm going to a party, that's revolting.

but i can dress for a casual date. he fucking starts hitting on me, though, and i'm strangling him with his fucking stethoscope...

--

there's another sort of nagging concern in the back of my mind.

i've been around enough "trans support" groups to know that a lot of them are actually fronts for prostitution. his language of "i don't get a good vibe from you" and the tone of voice that he said it in kind of immediately set off those bells.

it sounds off the wall libellous, but trust me when i say it isn't: the guy very well might be a pimp, and he may have quickly determined i wasn't likely to work for him, and tossed me on my ear because of it.

i need to stop flipping out over it, though, and just get to work in finding a better doctor on monday....

i mean, the first thing he asked me was if i was bisexual. normally, they ask about it, but they don't make assumptions, and the way he asked was sort of slimy.

i responded with the truth: i'm asexual. well, i've been on testosterone blockers for four years. i don't even masturbate any more - i probably couldn't, at this point, if i tried, but i haven't tried in....a long time. i get the odd dream, but they're separated by months. and while the refrain for the last few decades has been "actually, women LIKE sex"....the truth is you need to put a "some" in there. i don't really have much interest in lying around while somebody else gets off on me. sorry.

i hadn't had sex in almost five years before i went on the testosterone blockers in the first place. the transition hasn't altered my sex life in any way, because there wasn't one to begin with. and, going off hormones isn't going to have me develop one - i'd just start masturbating again. the reasons i'm not interested in sex aren't at all connected to my gender identity. i went through a relationship about ten years ago that just completely soured me on the whole idea of relationships, and i've been single by choice ever since. they're really completely unrelated things.

but, i got a huge frown from it, as though i was stating i wasn't of any use to him.

--

just to clarify: i have absolutely no sex drive, but i actually prefer it that way, as it clears up more energy for other things. i'm not asexual because of the lack of sex drive, but the lack of a sex drive makes me more comfortable in my asexuality. you interact with people - of whatever gender - a whole lot differently when you already know that you'll never, ever have sex with them. sometimes, there's a little work in establishing that, but once it is established, it just really clears the air. there's no pretensions. no fantasies. and you figure out quickly who actually likes you for who you are and who has ulterior motives. call me a eunuch if you want, and tell me i'm an anomaly in our current culture if it makes you feel good about yourself, but i'm happier with no sex drive.

if i had to choose only one of the three drugs to take, i'd pick the testosterone blocker over the estrogen or progesterone immediately. that's one of the more profound conclusions i've come to. i haven't been reflecting here as much as i was a few years ago, but i've been thinking about that quite a bit. the feminizing aspects are desirable to me and everything, but i'm at the age where there's not really any actual consequence of them. if i were to go through the process of actual sexual reassignment now, i'd be in an age category where sex is infrequent by the time i got done, sort of thing. and, then, what have i accomplished besides having to squat in public? but the chemical castration has had really positive effects on my mental well being. that's the thing i'm going to fight the hardest to maintain.

i just find the whole thing to be such a huge waste of time. in the end, i'm going to die, and do i really want my life to have been focused on sex and labour? god, what a horribly trivial existence! i want there to be art, writings - things of substance left behind. this idea of life as a hedonistic adventure is just revolting to me. i know it's our culture. it's the way our society spins. but i'm really pretty comprehensive in my rejection of our culture and society, aren't i? it shouldn't really be that surprising, when you put it into the context of what i think about every other component of the world we inhabit.

i think i'd be more likely to fall in love with a robot than a human, but i doubt i'm going to live to see the day...

in the end, transhumanism will probably abolish sex.

i'm ahead of the curve on this and i know it. same as all the other things....

--

when i was a kid, i used to often hear that

"women can do anything men can do except pee standing up."

my dad told me that. often. i think there's quite a bit of truth to it.

if i really sit down and carefully weigh what life is going to be like pre and post srs, i have to honestly conclude that the only thing that's actually going to change is the peeing standing up part......and for the months of therapy and healing and everything else involved, it's hard to come up with a logical argument in favour of it.

there's an emotional component, but i've never been driven by emotion, i've always been driven by logic.

if it was 15 years ago, the calculation would be different, but it's pointless now, i'm too old.

--

so, i had a bad appointment today...

i'm done flipping out over it for now. back to work.

real life things happened less this week than i was expecting.

things i got done:

1) groceries.
2) set a dr's apt
3) cleaned
4) laundry
*5) attend dr's apt

* tomorrow. no, our public health insurance up here isn't so outstanding that you get an appointment in a day, i happen to have been playing phone tag and she'd already pencilled me in because she couldn't get a hold of me. well, i don't actually have a phone, so reaching me in real time with a phone number is actually impossible at the moment. yeah, how's that for being a hipster? no phone. ahahaha...

i honestly don't want to pay for the phone. that's really the crux of it. i pay roughly $20/yr for a mailbox. i will eventually get a phone and connect it to the voip service; for now, i'm using the leave-a-message-i'll-call-back approach, which creates problems when the other side is always busy.

the other thing is that i don't trust phones. i'm in the "harmless, but monitored out of interest" category. i don't need the cia following my gps around. it's just unsettling. i don't know how so many people can just shrug it off.

things i didn't get done:

1) buying wood. i can't; the bus is on detour. in a few weeks.

2) compost dropoff. i would have had to go this morning, but i slept-in. i leave my compost in the freezer until it builds up, then drop it off to some kids that use it to feed hungry people. i think it's technically a muslim group, but i don't get the impression that they're proselytizing. i'm solely interested in the feeding hungry people part. yeah, the state should do it, but if you've been in a food bank you know that items like fresh vegetables aren't actually there. it's mostly about dumping near expired goods. i don't like it, but i understand that the thatcher-reagan system is designed for religious groups to fill this void. given that reality, i'd much rather support a minority muslim group than a dominant christian group. balances of power and whatnot. so, i've got these giant bags of frozen banana peels and stuff and i need to walk 2-3 km to get them to there. leaky banana peel juice is kind of nasty, so i tend to prefer to go in the spring and fall when it's close to 0 to minimize the melt. i'll take this out next week, when the temperature gets back down to 3 or 4.

anyways....that means i've got all day to record, and i will! some kind of clarity something or other should be up before midnight...

lol. actually, no.

there's construction on the main street about a block from my place. normally, the bus would go right through there, but it's detoured quite a ways around due to the construction.

i'm going to be carrying a significant amount of wood home. i could handle a block or two, but it's simply too far to walk.

so, i guess i'll have to wait until the construction is done. it should only be a week or two.

guess i'll do laundry.

i mean, this shelf is going to hold nearly 2000 cds. i don't have that many anymore, but i'm thinking ahead. there's five lengthy pieces of wood and 22 shelves involved. i can't be walking over a kilometre back with it.

doing real life things this week.

today, i got some serious groceries done. still have to clean, and finalize the schematics for the cd shelf. i also set a doctor's appointment.

tomorrow, i get the wood for the cd shelf. i'll probably also do laundry.

thursday morning, i'll be transporting compost out to the compost people. they're some kids that grow tomatoes and give it away to hungry people. it's better than dumping the coffee grinds and tomato ends in the dumpster, where the organic material simply becomes useless.

friday, i have a doctor's appointment.

seems trivial. but i actually have a hard time making sure i'm doing things like this regularly. they tend to sit. forever.

i might get a mix of clarity done over the next few days, but that's uncertain.

i'm still not clear what i'm doing about drilling.

i'm kind of hoping home depot has a drill bit where i can just get them to do the holes. even if it's a buck a hole or something, it's better and probably even cheaper in the long run.

if not, something i'll want to check when i'm there is the price of bits. there are $20 drills in the pawn shops, but they don't have bits. i only really need the one bit. there's consequently basically no chance i'm going to buy a drill set. if i can just get one bit there at a reasonable price, i probably will and then get the $20 drill.

if i can't get the one bit? at the moment, i'm leaning towards finding some kind of co-op as a preferable option. surely, there's somewhere around here where i can just take a few pieces of wood in and drill some holes in them.

the other stuff i built is just screwing screws into particle board. yes, it's cracked a little, but it's the kind of thing where it's like "who cares?" - so long as it's sturdy. a makeup shelf doesn't take a lot of force. the stove is holding up the piece with the coffee maker. the little table i'm going to make is likely going to be lodged between a chair and a wall. these are items that don't need to be particularly sturdy, so long as they're handled intelligently.

a cd shelf is a different animal because it has to be standalone and has to keep up quite a bit of weight. so, i need to be drilling cleaner holes into bigger pieces of actual wood. i'll probably use particle board for the shelves, but i want solid wood for the bases. i'm probably simply not going to be able to screw the pieces together by hand.

i might try, though, if it comes down to spending $100 on a drill and bit set that i'm going to use a handful of times and then toss in a closet for twenty years.

actually, i'm going to need to drill holes for the pegs, too...

hrmmn.

i don't even know what size they are. i should figure that out before i go.

those shoes are also dead, the rain exposed holes in the bottom of both shoes, but i wasn't expecting them to last long, with the amount of walking that i do. these were very cheaply made shoes. i'm going to let them dry out and keep them for short in/out use, but they're useless for going more than a block.

i got a pair of pink cons about the same time, but i haven't been wearing them much because i tend to get stuck in one pair. those are now the main shoes, but i want to keep them out of the wet, too. so i'm mostly moving to those children's rain boots i got for the fall/winter/spring.

the cheap shoes were actually 2 for 1 so i already have another pair of cheap shoes that i can wear down to nothing for next year....

the buses in detroit end ridiculously early. 9, 10 o'clock. yeah - absurd. i'm still mad that i can't take my bike under the tunnel, but it's been a non-issue so far because everything i've been to has been within walking distance from the tunnel. i was thinking about going to hamtramck tonight but it doesn't seem like i'm going to be able to get home until the morning - even if the show is over before 11:00. the show would have to actually end before 10:00 to catch the bus back...

it's not far, either - it's a twenty minute bus ride. the buses just end at 9 or 10.

i know, it's detroit - everybody has a car. says the 85 year-old. that hasn't been true in decades. it probably has more to do with public safety, but it's hardly safer to walk an hour and a half back to the tunnel.

they're building a light rail up woodward and i think this might help a bit. but i'm very seriously considering getting a bike and just parking it in the parking garage at the border.

there's advertisements all over the buses in ottawa - take the bus if you're out drinking. they even have free bus service on certain days where people are expected to drink a lot.

with a bus schedule that ends that early, i'd expect that detroit would have a pretty high dui rate.

i will probably purposefully strand myself in detroit over night at least once in the upcoming year, but the show tonight isn't worth stranding myself for.

took off for a few hours to see cloud nothings in detroit

i caught cloud nothings in detroit tonight....

i'm actually not going to write much of a review. i've been listening to their newest record quite a lot this year, so i was very familiar with the material; it was nicely loud, harmonically dissonant, ironically obnoxious and just a little bit catchy, and that's what you're looking for with this. did i mention it was loud?

they closed with wasted days, which was the most obvious thing possible, but a nice head cave, nonetheless.

obviously, the stage was a little smaller...

http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2014/09/30.html

i'm going to have to come in soon and not buy anything.

actually, i need a chair with wheels on it. i somehow doubt you deliver. well, maybe you have a truck for delivery that doesn't work. so you "deliver", but only if we push the truck back and forth.

you're close enough that i can wheel it home. any with wheels?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLwOeNn_4sw

unexpected early crash.

i'm hitting a sort of neo riot grrl thing in windsor tonight and need to put a third coat of caulking on my window, but i'm hoping i can get at least one thing uploaded by the afternoon.

must have picked up a virus. it's weird though because it's only three symptoms: sore throat, sore muscles and tiredness. no coughing, fever, stuffinesss, anything like that. but it means i've been sleeping quite heavily since thursday. i wasn't sure at first that it was a virus, but i'm sure now...

so, it's going to get put back another day or two.

there's a yearly event in detroit tonight called the noise camp that i was going to check out, but the virus/rain/sunday combination is going to keep me in. the hope was that it would be done completely before i left; it's not even close. i may actually even crash (again) within minutes...

i'm at least more awake than i've been in a few days and think i can get some work done tonight....

experiencing some manchester in detroit

"you're in the wrong washroom, sweetheart."

as incredibly complex and slightly patronizing as that statement is, it actually means i'm in a cool place. i've been over this a few times, but allow me to reiterate why i usually (not always.) use the dude's room.

1) the primary reason is that i can use the urinals and will choose to in most circumstances. i find something disrespectful about forcing women to listen to it fall in the toilet, cause it's just obvious. the reality is that public washrooms are gross. if you did a random survey of women, you'd learn that something like 98% of them would urinate while standing if they could, because it avoids the ickiness of squatting. it would be irrational of me to not take advantage of my biology in this sense, considering virtually any woman would do the same thing if given the opportunity.

2) i transitioned late. it's generally clear that i'm trans, but few people are going to confuse me for a cis. i completely grasp why the idea of me walking into the women's washroom would be a little unsettling. if i were cis, would i want the actual me waltzing in there? the truth is that i probably wouldn't. i know there's going to be a spectrum of reactions, but i feel obligated to be respectful of this concern and aware of how other people feel about it. the converse is that the worst that's going to happen from using the men's room is a funny stare or a concerned reaction. in the end, it's not really important enough of a concern to me to start pissing people off.

i mean, i support the whole bathroom rights thing. but, personally? i don't really care if the bathroom door has an M or an F on it and i'm willing to compromise pretty dramatically to keep the peace on the issue.

it's not absolute. if i'm wearing a dress, or some other particularly effeminate clothing, and i feel safe in doing so, then i'll probably use the women's washroom. it's pretty rare, though. i really default to standing when i pee....

i actually had a good time tonight at the detroit museum of contemporary art. the drinks were exceedingly strong, it got me a little drunker than i planned to be and i ended up dancing a little. i actually kind of needed that, it'd been a while. reviews in the comments...

got distracted there...

so, the opening dj was actually mildly interesting. he was playing with max or audiomulch or something in real-time, which, yes, tends to unfold somewhat predictably. but it's not clear to me why people will knock some software for this, while not bothering with others. any software system is going to colour the output in a roughly equal manner.

he had some syncing going on with the background films. as one example - bucephalus or not - he had some kids bouncing balls synced to some beats bouncing.

http://shop.overlap.org/album/chris-mcnamara-vague-cities

this is what i pulled myself out to see, and it was quite enjoyable. there's a lot of process in their approach to deep bass music, which tends be very dark ambient and integrate a lot of glitchy noise. you can't dance to this, but it's nice to get as a blast of sound. it was plenty loud, but i do kind of wish it was just a bit louder.

there's an improv inherent in the design, but they did something quite similar to this.

here's a full set:

so, reading up a little on the show, it became apparent that what was driving it was an attempt to pull a little manchester into detroit house. true or not, detroit gets a lot of credit as being an epicentre of electronic music that has sort of lost it's way. so, from detroit's perspective, the idea is to try and bring a little bit of that british artistic genius in (a british invasion, if you will) to kickstart a more interesting electronic music scene in detroit.

but, i can only assume that the opposite perspective is of a sort of a pilgrimage to mecca - detroit being where it all came from. these are a bunch of lanky brits that have never been near to the city, remember.

so, you have to think that andy stott was maybe a bit nervous about playing detroit, and that the overly minimalist start to his set had something to do with playing to the audience - who was visibly a little restless, apparently looking for a drop. whether by design or reaction, he seemed to become very british all of a sudden and morphed into some solid danceable idm - we're talking amen breaks, autechre melodies and rdj basslines. in fact, it seemed like it was just about to break into some kind of totally mental squarepusher chiptune freakout before the clock turned to midnight and we all turned into pumpkins on the floor.

it really wasn't what i was expecting. andy stott is known for morphing minimalist house beats into these sort of impressionist soundscapes, which is something he leaned towards in the first half of the set but didn't really give enough time to develop as it's meant to. i've never heard of him being associated with that warp sound the way that demdike stare is often compared to autechre. unexpected or not, it sure was a lot of fun, though.....

i doubt i'll find much like what i heard out there. this is more the kind of thing he's known for - and did play around with a bit at the beginning of the set, although it was more stripped down.

http://dghjdfsghkrdghdgja.appspot.com/categories/shows/2014/09/17.html