gah. and now my fingers are sore again. well, that's how this works until i get the calluses back up.

the library is, in fact, open today, so i'll have those scores printed, and i'll be focusing on the full version. that's pick work, mostly - quick to finish. i'm not going to hold my life up on this. i'll keep working at it sporadically.

it's not the speed that i keep fucking up, it's the dynamics. put bluntly, i need to practice this before i can produce a version i can upload. a lot.

then again, maybe getting some sleep would help.

today was a wash. i made it to the library for some printing, but it was closed. i'm not sure if it's because it's sunday (things still close on sunday? why?) or because it's holiday season here, but it was a piss off.

i lost most of the day to running around, and then got sucked into youtube. but i've got a few hours now and will hopefully have something up before the sun reappears.

people may have observed me running at full pace down the street today while pushing a shopping cart (it was starting to rain), and, if they did, they were no doubt struck by my wanton disrespect for rules and flat out rebellious behaviour.

yes, i was told not to run with a shopping cart, and warned of the dangers of doing so. yet, i heed the laws of no man!

in other news, the library was closed today, and i wasn't happy about it.

i'm going to need to print some more sheet music before i can record the live version, but it should actually be relatively quick - i'm just replacing five guitar tracks, and they're all short and relatively easy. i'll probably print them as soon as this afternoon.

but i'm going to want to work that reprise out first, probably. it'll be in it's own space on the single and attached to the full version on jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj, which will go to youtube as a 6-7 minute track, if i don't add a third section (and i'm thinking i might).

i've decided to wait.

if i only have a few months left, i don't want to waste it chasing around doctors.

i went back to the clinic to get a second rec and they suggested i go to a "crisis center" at the hospital. i'm debating it, and leaning towards doing it now rather than waiting for the decision and doing it then.

i don't know what the right diagnosis is either, but i'm certain that it's abundantly clear to any person that can analyze evidence that i'm not capable of or interested in participating in society, and anybody denying that clear and obvious truth must have a political motive in front of him.

bluntly: if you actually think i'm capable of properly functioning in this world, you're either stupid or ignorant of the facts.

i'm sick of struggling. if the system doesn't make the right decision, people are going to get hurt.

a life spent working is a life that is not worth living.

if this happens (and i'm hoping things are worked out, but, if odsp throws me off, i will almost certainly choose to end my life or do something that will place me in a jail cell for a long time), you need to think of it in terms of me ending my suffering. it will be for the best.

one day, people will look back at the barbarity of market societies and canonize those who resisted. hopefully, through suicide, as an act of defiance, i can provide inspiration for future generations.

well, that went terribly. and, all the peace and stability and happiness i've been feeling over the last few months just went up in a smoke of rage and anger and hopelessness.

some ideas floating through my mind.

1) show up at the psychiatrist's office with a butcher knife and saw my foot off in front of him. manipulating you? want me to prove otherwise, you producerist piece of fucking shit? how about we get your license taken away? ruining your career would give me more pleasure than my foot does. fucker. die. die. die.

2) taking baseball bats to the odsp building and just hanging out outside until the cops show up, and then admit it. when they release me, do it again. then again. and again. and again....

the bottom line that these fuckers have to come to is this: they can either sign my disability papers, or they can watch me kill myself and/or put me in jail, because i'm not participating in this society. it's a threat, but it's not an empty one. i'm at the end. there's no compromising. no trying to fit in. i'm on the fucking terrorists' side. this society needs to be incinerated. i'd rather bomb a walmart than work in one. and i'd rather read in a jail cell in peace than be forced to participate in the market.

got some life shit worked out today, things are continuing to come together.

1) got accepted by a psychiatrist around the corner. i'm hoping this guy can do two things for me. the first is diagnose me with something i can rely on for longer term disability - i'm thinking i'm probably clinically schizophrenic, even if it's only a problem when i'm thrust into the "real world". there is no real world. there. qed. i laugh, but it's self-deprecating. the second thing i'm thinking is that it'd be nice to have cheap, legal, easy access to marijuana. i'm actually *very* convinced that it helps keep me stable. i don't even need large doses, and i wouldn't really want to be stoned all the time, but i'm very strongly of the opinion that a bit of pot every few days is very good for mental health, and may go so far as to say i'd probably have harmed myself by now if it wasn't for the pot. further, i won't take drugs in the form of pills. i'm a hippie like that. so, if he tries to prescribe me wellbutrin or prozac or something, i won't fill the rx - i'll ask for pot instead.

2) stage one of my border documents have been approved. i think the combined governments of the united states and canada are real assholes for standing over the bridge with an ax declaring that none shall pass, but they're the fuckers with the weapons, so what to do but mutter under your breath? i've wasted almost a year of my time due to this stupidity, which isn't making anybody safer and really *should* be a political liability. but i can't even vote against it. one day, we'll tear these walls down. for now, it's relieving to be just about through the annoyance. i need to go for an interview to prove i'm not arabic, i mean a threat to security. catching the swans show is not looking likely. and there's not going to be too many more chances for it, either. ugh. fucking fascists.

i'm heading out to get this score printed...

thankfully, it's formatted well, unlike the last one. i'm hoping i can get a proper guitar version, however i idm it up in the end.

yeah. i've decided i'm not going to find the remaining furniture i need in here, so i'm going to wait until the beginning of august and take a shopping cart of wood home with me. i'll need to varnish it. and i'll probably get a drill, too.

i'm hoping i can find a coffee table before then, but i'm looking for something that's roughly 14x40 and they're just not out there. people want these gross square coffee tables. or glass ones. yuck. if not, it should cost me something like $6 to build one and polyurethane over it.

there's this kind of enclave that i wanted to put shelving into but my initial plan isn't the best one. there's a window in the corner. i was just going to put shelving in square over the window, which would eliminate the need for curtains and make it harder to break in here. i mean, there's bars, but that's merely a disincentive. i've learned over the spring that access to this window is important, due to the air upstairs. so, i'm going to frame around it, instead, and get some curtains after all. that's three walls of framing that has to go around the window. i'm thinking i could probably do it for around $50, which is considerably cheaper than trying to cram a dozen oddly shaped bookcases in - and better because there's no wasted space. i suppose it's sort of a gift to the unit, in the end, because i couldn't really take it with me. but i plan on staying for a while...

similarly for the corner shelving. i posted some pictures. the easiest thing to do will probably be to get some studs and just screw the shelves in, but it's going to depend on scrap wood from the other projects.

i want to build a simple three story desk to put near my bed to put a speaker unit up top, the laptop in the middle and various documents underneath. i've been hoping i can find something, but the space is only thirteen inches across.

the last thing is a cd shelf. the big problem has been "how do i get that much wood here". if i do it at once, i'll take the home depot cart back for the hour walk....

i'll just have to measure it all up in a few weeks.

which means i'm under budget for the first time since february and may be able to go catch a show, if an interesting one is happening this side of the river. actually, i'm still hoping i can catch swans in a few weeks. depends on customs. it'll be a few days one way or another. should put the cash aside for that....