again: i slept all day. and, i wish i knew why i'm so physically exhausted recently.

it's cold in here and it's cold outside, and i think that's a big part of it. i felt better last week when the humidity briefly peaked, and i feel better wrapped up in a hot blanket where i can sweat. so, that's really what i've been doing all day - trying to escape the cold by hiding in a hot blanket. it's going to warm up tomorrow, finally.

but, whether it's the weather or something else, i feel tense and frustrated and depressed and angry, and it's been constant now for weeks and i don't really understand it. i have a lot of work to do, but i'm not able to do it because i'm not able to mentally focus.

the best way to describe the situation is that i feel like i'm on drugs, but i'm not doing any drugs, so i don't understand.

let's just hope it gets better.

i'm going to try to wake up, take a shower, get my hydration up and get to finishing this up.

this is complete nonsense.

what are they going to do if i just ignore them and walk right in? are they going to call the police? are they going to charge me with not wearing a mask?

you can be sure they'll end up with a charter case, if they do.

they have no enforcement rights, here. at all. nor does their status as private businesses give them the right to discriminate against customers based on their clothing - that's what human rights laws are for.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/mask-rights-covid-questions-answered-1.5590534

so, i've been sleepy since wednesday morning and have largely blown the last few days. i mean, i've been working at it, but i've only gotten a few hours done.

the temperature crashed by ten degrees celsius yesterday afternoon, which messed with me, and we're getting a cold and gross weekend. i'm not going to ask for the heat to come on, but it's cold in here, and it really sucks.

i've already used the stove a few times, and i'm going to have to take...i'm probably going to have to shower a few times to warm up. it's just the facts of it.

i've got one last section to cross-reference, and it could really, honestly be done by the morning, or by the afternoon.

would you hold in your urine? your shit?

no?

then why would you hold in your sweat?

i need to be able to sweat in the summer.

it's so weird and unnatural - and unhealthy - to stop yourself from sweating. i don't understand why anybody would do such a weird thing to their environment and their body...

i guess it's a male thing, in the end, isn't it? men are taught to bottle everything up inside - their emotions, their feelings, and, i guess, their sweat, too.

but, they need to let it out.

they need to relearn to cry and stink at the same time, it would seem.

but, i don't want to turn off my glands - i want to sweat. and i will.

i was feeling better earlier in the week when the humidity first came in and warmed the place up, but i've been tired and having difficulty focusing over the last few days, as the machines upstairs have adjusted. i'm going to keep the windows open as the humidity falls, in order to short them out. if i'm stuck with cooler air one way or the other, i'd rather have fresh air from outside than dry air from the refrigerants.

it's different this year. last year, i was able to get outside quite a bit, so that when i did come in, i didn't notice the air as much. this year, i'm going to be inside for 98 out of 100 days and i'm going to need to find ways to acclimatize the surroundings. otherwise, i'm just going to sleep all summer as i hide from the air under hot blankets, and i don't want to do that.

for right now, i'm going to try to warm the place up by using the stove and then taking a hot shower. hopefully, i'll be more alert and focused when i get out of it.

we're all forced to sleep, sometimes. i had a nice, long day yesterday, at least, but it came to a really screeching halt with a hard pass out around 5:00, midway through eating.

i got all of my shopping done. all the fruit is put away. laundry is half done. and, i really just need to do lingering laundry before i finish up what i was doing.

soon.

let me try to get up to eat.

but, the other thing was with the doctor, today....

i went in today to rebook an appointment, because the line just rings when i call. i was told they're not booking until after covid-19 and i should come back later, which struck me as being runaround. i was told i could book by phone, but i can't reach them by phone, and, besides - the appointment is for a physical, which cannot and should not be done over the phone. anybody billing ohip for a "virtual physical" should be charged with fraud.

i offered to just rebook next year, and that was not met well. they told me to come back in a few weeks...

what i was concerned with was ensuring that i didn't lose my status as a patient, but that concern didn't seem to register with staff in a way that really rubbed me the wrong way.

so, am i potentially dealing with transphobic staff at the windsor family health centre? i don't know.

what i know is this: i deal with transphobia by rubbing my tits in your face. so, if they want to be stupid about it, i'll be happy to make a scene about it.

right now, i've decided to play stupid for a little while. i am awaiting results from this doctor on reassignment concerns (i am trying to get my testicles removed, and nobody seems to want to do it...), and i want to consider changing my hormones to prometrium.

i'm going to send them a fax about the issue...

the fact is that montreal did everything right. it was maybe slower than it should have been to crack down on the religious minorities, but that's not something unique to it.

expect toronto to be next - i said mid-to-late-may, and it seems like it may be in the latter category.

https://montrealgazette.com/news/local-news/swamped-montreal-hospitals-told-to-send-covid-19-patients-to-off-island-centres/

this is better than the vox article, which says something about the vox article given the place that maclean's holds in canadian journalism, but even normalizing at 50 is pretty sketchy.

canada is the biggest country in the world. germany is roughly the size of one of the atlantic provinces. so, just in terms of the probability of getting from zero to fifty without it taking off, you could have all the way up to fifty different isolated deaths in canada before you get to an epidemic in germany.

i know you have to do the graph somehow, and this is purposefully extreme, but it gets the idea across.

to start with, if you're going to compare small countries to canada, you should begin by looking at provinces, or even regions, rather than the whole country - but that's just a start. while germany isn't much bigger than new brunswick, the population density is also astronomically higher - another incredibly important factor.

it's going to be hard to do this right until this is done, and until then the data is going to reflect the biases of the person that plotted it.

https://www.macleans.ca/society/health/coronavirus-deaths-these-charts-show-how-canada-compares-with-the-world/

so, i got the things i need done for the next roughly two weeks. i can now gorge myself and rest my weary body, after nine hours of walking and hauling around groceries.

i didn't go out on day one and buy out the store, but i've been slowly building up supplies of things over what is now two months of hermitting. yes, there's the four packages of toilet paper, but i actually would normally have two-three on hand anyways. i'm actually lower on pasta than usual; under normal circumstances, i like to have about 36 days worth in tupperware.

hey, i've been in the situation of it being the first of the month and trying to figure something out. it's easier if there's already food, so i don't fuck around when it comes to that - there's certain things i keep a surplus of, and some of it is dwindling more than i'd like. i should be ok for the rest of the month at least, before i crack and have to buy some of that cracked-out pasta, you know the kind with the weird swirls and shit, like it's trying to find an algebraic solution to your mother in law's nasty cooking, but is instead just spiraling out on means that it thought were golden, but are merely just pasty brown.

anyways.

i've now slowly squirreled away oddities such as four tubes of toothpaste, an entire fridge door worth of block cheese, three red hot sauces, three cans of coffee and who knows what else shuffled away on to the side. let us hope that this is the last nine hour day; let's hope i can just sneak out for some tomatoes, moving forward. my legs can only handle so much...

these days, though, are such total body exercises, they really are - you're walking, you're lifting, you're hauling for miles. you feel it in your calves, but this has to be hitting you everywhere. which is fine - i don't want to build muscle, but i'm happy to tone what i've got.

i need, however, to inform you that this whole "social distancing" thing is a charade. it is - it's absurd. whatever the merits of it's intentions were, what actually exists, what is really existing social distancing, is just nonsense, unfit to even display the label of whatever delusion, whatever pseudo-science, that may have birthed it.

you will begin this charade outside of the store, where people will smoke various things, while talking loudly to themselves, rarely more than a few inches from each other. if you have the audacity to inch ahead of them, they will take it as an invitation to move ahead in line, entirely oblivious as to why they're outside in the fucking first place. and, who are these people, exactly? my experience today was to be stuck in line between two absolutely hideously disgusting bearded men who were essentially transiting toilets on their faces not once but twice, none of whom seemed to understand basic personal space by somebody that was visibly disgusted by them, let alone what social distancing was or why they were outside. one of them repeatedly spat through his beard while standing in line.

under normal circumstances, i would not have gone within ten feet of these people, let alone six. but, because of the rules, i was forced against my will to stand in line with them for a period of time i would generally not have tolerated. i repeatedly felt more in danger of getting sick standing in line than i did once i was in the store, in addition to needing to suppress the need to vomit for being forced to tolerate them. yuck.

then, once you're in the store, nobody even cares anymore. people walk by each other, cough all over each other, make like bad zeppelin records and go down the wrong aisle, etc. you think you're in line for a real tight-ass establishment, but you get inside and it's like an insane class posse show.

they've got these plexi-glass windows installed to try to create a spit barrier, and it's maybe the most grounded idea i've seen yet, but it's like the cone of silence - the cashiers can't hear anything behind them, so they just poke their heads over to talk to you, as you're keying in your atm number on the device that thousands of people had already used just that day.

and, then, you're off to leave your cart with the attendant, who touches every single one of them when he sanitizes them entirely haphazardly, between smoke breaks.

a charade.

it's all it is.

get ready for this thing, canada. your puny social distancing does nothing.

you need to be looking at death rates, not case counts.

the case counts are completely worthless.

the reason that canada has fewer cases is that we're undertesting - particularly in ontario.

this is absolute nonsense.

we're about a month behind the united states in terms of the epidemic curve, and we have roughly 10% of the population. so, if we were exactly on par with the united states, we'd have something less than 7,000 deaths. there's currently around 4,000.

i would expect 20,000 deaths in canada minimum by the time this is done.

https://www.vox.com/2020/5/4/21242750/coronavirus-covid-19-united-states-canada-trump-trudeau

in the end, we might learn this is a counter-intuitive consequence of something called sudden stratospheric warming, which is at least consistent, even if the outcome is confusing.

that would be the case where it's essentially bad luck, and it may be good news in the long run.

it could be that what is happening with the polar vortex is some ramification of a changed climate interacting with an increased level of sunlight. it is possible that it's actually breaking up and we're essentially seeing chunks of it fall off.

or, this might be less unusual than we think it is.

what's clear is that it isn't entirely clear, and that there isn't any reason to think it's permanent.

so, why are we dealing with record-breaking cold in canada, when the rest of the world is dealing with extreme heat, and the hottest year on record?

it's not cold in sweden or russia. it's only cold here.

we were at the bottom of the solar cycle, which was skewing the weather. anthropogenic climate change doesn't change the solar cycle - that still happens, for better or worse. as we are getting out of that funk, we should expect these extremes to reverse and the warming to reassert itself, but this is the worst spring yet, and nobody saw that coming.

i kept saying that it looked good but it was too early and may have, in the end, jumped the gun a little.

still - why is it twenty-thirty degrees below normal here? is the pole wandering, or what?

when the solar cycle picks up, you should expect a more intense polar vortex; let's remember that the cause of the polar vortex expanding is an absence of sunlight, so it does follow that when you bring in more sunlight you should bottle it back up, which is what it looked like was happening for most of the winter. but, then, it just kind of imploded...

it's not expanding - it's even warm in nunavut. it's only cold right here.

so, did the culmination of factors kind of break it, then? like if you spin a top too fast and it runs off the axis?

if so, is that the end of our polar vortex? hmm. stay tuned...

note: it could just be bad luck.

this is weird, no doubt. everything right now is kind of weird. but, my analysis has not changed - you should continue to expect an acceleration of warming in this region as the sun comes back, even if it takes a while to kick in.

the aura has been threatening me this morning, but has not crashed my consciousness. let us hope i can exist free of it for the rest of the day.

i got the sleep i needed, and i was feeling better until a few seconds ago.

is the migraine coming back again? i dunno.

let me try to get some cleaning done in here and go from there.

actually, i'd say you're looking at at least 200,000 deaths in the united states as a best case scenario, with potentially as many as a million.

but, i don't think these hippie measures are grounded in science - that's just herd immunity.

i'm not arguing against the fascist lockdowns because i think the economy is more important than health, i'm pointing out that there's no reasonable expectation that they're going to work, and presenting you with a more realistic and, what i think is inevitable, number, instead.

we need to get away from this idea that we're in control; we're not, and, if there's anything positive that comes out of this, let us hope that it is a tendency to relinquish control more readily to science, to logic and to randomness.

maybe this will act as our collective exit from the era of classical science and into the era of modern science, where we no longer pretend we are at the top of some kind of hierarchy, or that we are here to protect the earth, as we have since the days of aristotle, but instead understand our need to see ourselves as equal with the other life forms on this planet, in a web rather than a chain, and in a relationship of mutual need rather than one of dominance or extraction. this is a myth that the science has let go of, but that the culture trails behind on, often reinforced by a religion that crowns us as special, as different.

we're not special. we're not different....

this shift in mindset away from anthropic dominance and towards a concept of ecological interdependence is necessary if we wish to survive the rest of the century. it will be resisted, but such resistance is futile; the other option is extinction.

there's a lot more people that are going to die from this, and there's nothing that can be done or could have been done or even should have been done about it.

it's too late to do the things we could have done that would have mattered.

that migraine was really vicious....

i'm in for the day, and maybe a little longer.

i'm going to have to sleep this afternoon, whether i like it or not.

so, these are the newest antibody numbers from new york, on saturday:

Bronx: 27.6%
Brooklyn: 19.2%
Manhattan: 17.3%
Queens: 18.4%
Staten Island: 19.2%

still no error bars, but the sample sizes in specific boroughs are much lower, so you could potentially add an extra 10% to any of those numbers (or remove as much).

those numbers are still lower than i expected, but it's high.

and, the decrease in transmission is no doubt resulting from increased presence of antibodies, at least partially.

note now that it seems as though an american firm is pushing an antibody test, so expect the msm to turn on a dime with this. they're terrible. consistently. but, we'll see if the yankee tests are as good as the other ones, now. i would hardly expect substantively different results, but we'll see.

the caveat from the start was always mutations and different strains. if there are multiple viruses going around rather than just one, which appears to be the case, then you would expect the tests to miss the infections that they weren't created for. further, you would expect a possibility of catching the various different stains, because they are no longer the same virus.

the mutation rate of this thing appears to be continually being revised upwards, meaning that these numbers might only be a half or a third of the story.

how do we find that out?

the answer is that we do more antibody testing.

are they peaking in montreal?

i'd hold off on that...i suspect it will be sooner than toronto, but i'm not there, yet.

lol.

dumb hippies.

(this is quebec)

ok.

it looks like the detroit area, which was earlier than other places, has finally come close to peaking. the numbers in detroit are not as clean as new york, apparently because the reporting is not as centralized, as opposed to in ontario where they're just being flat out fucked with. but, it looks like it peaked a few days ago, meaning that the city is probably dealing with high levels of immunity at this point.

due to the fragmented data, it's hard to tell if it went up and down or flattened out, but the former looks more real.

that said, it looks like it's spreading into places like flint, lansing and ann arbor, now. the same thing happened in new york, with a delayed outbreak in buffalo.

here in windsor, the initial infections seem to have actually been a corollary of the detroit outbreak, rather than it's own. as we are much smaller, and relatively isolated, we should not expect a serious outbreak until the tail end of this, which probably won't be a "second wave" but just the result of the first one playing out. we're more like a city like thunder bay - we're likely to be last, not first.

and, let's hope it doesn't get too bad in toronto and los angeles this week, although it doesn't look like a peak in either city is likely for another two-three weeks.

i've got a nasty headache still, but i'm a lot better.

i don't want to sit in bed, i wanted to do things today....

this has been a recurrent problem for years now, and it's a normal side effect of the worst type of migraines. the technical term is called "migraine with aura", because you get tracers, like you're on psychedelics. but, i could even deal with that if it wasn't for the blurred vision and, worse, the aphasia. it's the aphasia that is frightening and frustrating...

i have very, very low cholesterol. and, while my migraines tend to be hemiplegic, i don't think i'm having a stroke. it's just what is perhaps the absolute worst type of migraine.

what was it like trying to type this morning? i could think relatively well, but i had a very hard time typing the actual words, and if you look at the writing you can see that the words are replaced with other words. compare the original version with the correct one to see some of the concepts that got distorted and how they got distorted.

i'm not going to pretend that i fully understand this, but it is absolutely bizarre, and it hits you like a vicious attack that you just have to shake off.

i was considering doing some things today, but i think i may have to recover, instead. this headache was not the worst i've had (i could at least talk. i've had some where i try to say specific words and say unrelated things. so, i'll try to say 'dog' and instead say 'hyena', or something - and i can't get the right idea out), but it was pretty vicious nonetheless and it might last two or three days.

i've talked to some doctors, and they tell me they're just really bad headaches. there's no answer...

https://migraine.com/blog/migraine-symptoms-transient-aphasia/

ok, can i think straight yet?

====

ok.

so, i ended up with a brutal headache in here a little before 3:00, and it could be a while before i'm finished with it. i may have a hard time shaking it off for a little while. it's the dry air in here, and if i'm stuck inside all summer, i could end up fighting with it for months.

the guy upstairs thinks he gets migraines because of the humidity, which is maybe the most scientifically illiterate thing i've ever heard. but, i've noticed this before - as soon as he gets in, he turns the dehumidifer on, which gives me a headache, too. so, we both end up with headaches because he won't turn the fucking dehumidifier off.

like, i can't even think. it's like i have a vice squeezing my brain; it's a tension headache, and just vicious. i can't see, i can barely talk, it's just brutal. what he should be doing is the opposite - he should be turning the dry air off, and turning on the humidifier instead. we need more humidity, not less! i can't stand the dry air, it gives me a headache and just makes me horribly sick.

ok.

i can't type....clearly.....

i'll be back in a bit.

the problem is the lack of humidity.

but, i'm done the master document.

===============

so, i cleaned that segment up, now, and i'm still hurting, but i seem to be much better.

i feel awful, but i'm not sick from the virus - it's the dry air. i haven't been outside at all since april 16th.

is it the vitamin d? no. it's the dry air...

my immediate concern is that i need to eat this morning.

but, i am done the master document. really. it's roughly 250 pages, and mostly music stuff....

just let me shake this off a bit more.

ok.

so, i ended up with a brutal headache end here a little before 3:00, and i could be a while before i finish with it. i may have a hard time shaking it off for a little while. up stairs the try air end here, and i if i end up here stuck in here all find, here it's care until an empty little winter.

the guy upstairs thinks he gets migraines because of the humidity, which is maybe the most scientifically illiterate thing i've heard. but, i've notice this before - as soon as he gets up, he turn the dehumidifer end, on which gives me a headache, too. so, we both end up with headaches because he wouldn't dd the fucking dehumidifier off.

like, i couldn't even think he's sorry here. what he should be doing is the opposite - he should be turning the dry air off, and doing on the humidifier instead. i can't stand the dry air, it gives me a headache and up makes up send.

ok.

i end can't type....clearly.....

i'll be back in a bit.

the probably is the humidity.

but, i'm done the master document.

i'm not starving myself.

it's just conservation of energy - if i expend less energy, i'll need to consume less, too.

and, i'm healthy enough that my body can tell me that, and i can hear it, and i'm able to listen.

and, why don't i go out and do something?

i like concerts, but that's really the only thing that has ever succeeded in getting me out of the house.

even in the best of times, i've never been an outside person - i've always preferred staying inside with technology, enough that i should watch the vitamin d, myself.

i will get some fresh air when i need to get groceries.

but, i'd rather sit in the dark and listen to gothic music than go outside and play in the sun - that's been true my whole life.

the sun is coming up, and i just finished consolidating everything for the master document from the laptop's drive.

there is one further step, and it requires making sure everything already posted to the internet is already in the document - facebook, partial rebuilds, etc.

i'm going to stop to eat, and i'm overdue. as i haven't been expending much energy, i haven't been eating much. so, i've gone from being a few days ahead of schedule last month to being three days behind schedule, this month.

that's ok; if i end up a week or more behind, i'll just scratch it off.

i mentioned once before that it is highly likely that i will eat a lot less than normal if i'm stuck inside for the next several months.

again: stop protesting.

just go live.

do you need the government to tell you what you are and aren't allowed to do? really?

https://globalnews.ca/news/6897862/doug-ford-2nd-anti-shutdown-protest-toronto/

so, snap out of it.

all you've ever gotten from doug ford is a constant stream of steady bullshit, it's all you're getting from him now and it's all you'll ever get from him in the future - because that's what he does, he bullshits.

you have to wonder.

if you could put him in some sort of squeeze device, and just compress his fat ass, would shit come out of his mouth?

if you can send me a link to a press conference where doug ford isn't talking out of his ass, a situation where he isn't blatantly bullshitting, i will buy you a beer when this is done.

i suspect it's never happened.

so, we need to consider the source when he speaks.

it's just bullshit after more bullshit after more bullshit....

he's head bullshitter.

we need to wise up, ontario.

every word out of doug ford's mouth is just a steady stream of complete bullshit - just like it has been for years and years.

he's only capable of doing one thing, and it's bullshitting people.

nothing's changed - it's bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

we have no idea what's going on here at all.

i don't want hope and bullshit.

i want facts and data.

when your leaders lie to you, withhold the facts, and talk down to you like you're children, you do not live in a free society - you are cattle, you are enslaved.

everything that doug ford says is the opposite of reality, but that was true before this started, wasn't it?

we need to build immunity faster, or we're going to be enslaved forever. if you want this to end sooner, then get out there and spread this faster.

https://toronto.ctvnews.ca/ontario-premier-says-province-will-open-sooner-than-thought-if-physical-distancing-continues-1.4922022

right when i was about to get started early this morning, i ended up with a migraine. i may have triggered it by not eating...and then eating...

i tried to shake it off a few times, but it doesn't work like that - you have to sleep. so, i slept for essentially the entire calendar date.

the type of migraines i've been getting since i moved here come with auras, meaning you can't do anything when they click in, too. you can't even read because you can't see. you're just stuck.

i don't know if i'm up yet.